


Shades of Blue

by PastelPrincess96



Series: Shades of Blue [1]
Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 04, Angst, Attempted Murder, Attempted Suicide, Confrontations, Eventual Romance, F/M, Family Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Murder, Prison, Season/Series 04 Spoilers, Violence, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-02-11 20:17:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 65,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12942969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastelPrincess96/pseuds/PastelPrincess96
Summary: ‘Wasted my days in the chase, While you kept me at reach, Hoping you’d change all your ways, And you’d pull me out the blue’-Kacy HillGeorgina had once felt like family to the Shelby’s. She fit in seamlessly. She was another sister, a second daughter, and an extra fighter. Until Tommy got them all arrested.Now she’s a stranger. But when the mafia threaten everyone who’s ever been considered a Shelby, she has to go back. Back to Small Heath. Back to the life she had before. Back to the man who betrayed them all.





	1. Release

“Well, it looks like it’s your lucky day. You’re finally getting out of here.”

I stared at the police officer in front of me, not grasping what he was saying. He must have seen the confusion on my face, as he pulled on my arm to make me stand up. 

“I know you’ve enjoyed our company, but it’s time to leave now love.”

I snatched my arm out of his grip as he sneered the words at me. He walked out of my cell, and gestured for me to follow. My legs felt heavy as I walked through the winding corridors. I could not believe this was happening. I was finally getting out. A month in that cell felt like too long, and I could not wait to finally be back on the other side of the pale-yellow walls. 

As we finally reached the front desk, I was told to sign a few pieces of paperwork and then I was free to go. After I was done I turned to walk out and saw a line of officers stood behind me. The one I knew to be highest ranking stepped forward. 

“It’s such a shame to see you leaving. I hope you don’t forget about us. We certainly won’t forget about you,” the threat in the officer’s voice was clear, but I was not scared of him anymore. “I hope we don’t receive any unexpected visits from your friends.”

“I don’t need anyone to make any visits for me,” I said with a polite smile, aware that I was not completely free yet. The officer nodded and stepped away from me again. I looked down the line at the officers stood there, committing their faces to memory, before making my way towards the open doors at the front of the building. Before I walked across the threshold that marked my final step back into freedom, I turned to face the line of officers once again. All of their attention was still on me as I said, “it’s not my friends you need to be afraid of.” And on that final parting I finally stepped through the doorway and made my way towards freedom. 

As I reached the gates at the front of the police station I noticed a car sitting against the curb on the opposite side of the road. When I walked through the gates, the driver stepped out of the car. I recognised him immediately. 

“They’re not as stupid as they seem if they sent you,” I shouted towards Isiah, who I knew they had sent to retrieve me. 

“I volunteered” Isiah replied, gesturing to himself with a proud smile.

“Okay, _you’re_ not the stupid one then” I said, as I reached the car. I leaned against the side of the car whilst Isiah pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his suit jacket pocket. He began to light two as I asked, “how long have you been out?” 

“’Bout two days I think,” he replied, handing me my cigarette. 

“I figured as such. Guessing you were the last lad out? I haven’t heard about Michael this past week.”

“Yeah, the others were out about a week ago. Just in the nick of time apparently,” he said, causing us both to take a large drag of our cigarettes. The smoke felt good in my lungs, and stopped my anger from surfacing. We both stood in silence for a while, finishing our smoke. I savoured the dying embers of my cigarette whilst a breeze picked up through the air. I hadn’t realised how much I thought I was not going to get out until now. After hearing the rumours of Isiah’s release the other day, I thought for sure they were going to leave me in for longer. I still could not quite believe I was finally out of the cell they had shoved me into. It would take a while to grasp that I was once again a free woman. Part of me will live in that cell forever.

The silence stretched on for even longer after we had both finished out cigarettes. I was content to stay in silence for however long it lasted, I would value it much more now. Isiah seemed hesitant to break it, but we both knew he had to at some point.

“Everyone’s waiting for us. Tommy wants a family meeting.”

“Yeah well, Tommy left me in there for too many fucking days, so I’m sure he can wait a bit longer,” I said, letting some anger slip into my voice. I clenched my jaw as I stared at Isiah, willing him to challenge me. He just gave a huff through his nose and went back to being silent. If anyone could understand where I was coming from, I hoped it would be Isiah. “Besides, I don’t want to turn up to a family meeting looking like this,” I gestured to the clothes I was wearing, the same dress I was arrested in still covered my body; “I reckon  
I should go home and change first.” 

“Sure, we can go there first,” Isiah said.

“Actually, there’s somewhere else I’d rather go first.”

-

“It’s one drink Isiah. Grow a pair.” I said, strutting towards The Garrison. I heard him groan from his slow walk behind me.

“I thought you wanted to change your clothes.”

“And I still do. But I’ll do it after I’ve had a drink,” I paused and turned to look back at him, “okay?” I raised my eyebrow at him, knowing he would let me. 

“Fine, but you’re the one explaining this to the others.”

“I don’t think I need to explain myself to anyone. Tommy can either wait for me, or he can have his fucking meeting without me.” We reached the front doors of The Garrison, where I paused and sarcastically said, “I’ll be so devastated.” Isiah rolled his eyes and reached for another cigarette. I opened the Garrison doors and was immediately hit with the familiar smell of beer, sweat and stale smoke; a smell I never thought could bring me comfort before. As it had just turned noon it was still fairly quiet in the pub, only a few men lined the seats, looking like they had not moved since I had last been here. 

We both strolled up to the bar and waited for someone to come and serve us. After a couple of minutes of no one arriving, Isiah banged on the top of the bar. The noise was clearly heard in the back room, as Harry rounded the corner to stand behind the bar.

“Georgina,” Harry whispered, a look of shock taking over his face. “It is so good to see you love. No one would tell me anything that happened.”

I gave my first genuine smile since being released, I had missed Harry the most. “It’s good to see you too Harry. Come and give me a hug.” I gestured for him to walk round the bar to me, which he did. Once he was in front of me I become engulfed in a huge bear hug. The warmth that surrounded me made me want to cry. It felt so good to be held together for once. I took a shuddery breath in, willing myself not to cry yet. Not here. Not now. “I’ll explain everything later,” I whispered in Harry’s ear, not liking the fact that he had been kept in the dark. 

Harry stepped away after a few moments, but continued to hold onto me at arm’s length. He looked me up and down, frowning as he noticed how dishevelled my appearance actually was. He then stared at my face more intrusively then before. His lips parted, making me realise he had probably the faint outline of bruises left around my face, mainly my left eye and cheek, as well as the healing cut in my bottom lip. I blushed, somehow embarrassed that Harry had found the lingering reminders of my time inside. His brow furrowed, and I knew he was coming to his own conclusion to what had happened to me inside, something I really didn’t want. 

“They don’t hurt anymore. Don’t worry about me,” I whispered to Harry, not wanting to feel any guilt over what happened. 

“I can’t help but worry love, but I’ll believe you when you say it doesn’t hurt. You can tell me anything though, anything.” Harry spoke sternly, trying to get his point across. I nodded to let him know he had. He looked into my eyes for a minute longer, before he finally let go of me and walked back to the other side of the bar. “Right,” he clapped his hands together, “what can I get you both?” 

Isiah and I turned to look at each other for a moment, and both said “whiskey,” with a smile.

An hour passed quicker than I wanted. We had managed to get a table in the corner of the pub, so as not to draw any attention to ourselves. Isiah and I had sat in silence, managing to drink an extra glass of whiskey each. We watched those around us, taking in their clear routines and practised movements. If anyone noticed who we were they did not mention it, or try to approach us, which I was thankful for. I could not face talking to anyone I did not have to talk to. 

A slamming of a glass on the table brought my attention to the present. I turned to Isiah and found him watching me with raised eyebrows. I knew what he wanted, making me sigh. “I guess I’m ready to go now. Just give me half an hour to change and we can get going.”

Which is exactly what we did.


	2. Family Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not expect updates this frequent haha

Seeing the large house take shape in front of the car made the anger I had been repressing fully resurface. This is where Tommy had been able to spend his time while we all paid for his choices inside a cell. As Isiah drove closer to the house I began taking deeper breaths, hoping to calm myself down. By the time we reached the end of drive, and parked in front of the steps leading to the front door, I felt some of my anger subside. I knew it would all resurface when I laid eyes on Tommy, but it was enough for now. Neither of us made a move to get out the car straight away. I stared forward until a lit cigarette was placed in my eyeline. I took it and shot Isiah a grateful smile, glad he was the one with me at this point. I went back to staring forward and began smoking.

“If I shot him, what would you do?” I asked Isiah.

“Probably help you bury him, along with everyone else.” I was actually surprised by his answer.

“Seriously?” I asked, turning to look at him with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re not the only one full of anger, you know? We just want answers more than we want to kill him at the moment,” Isiah said, pausing to take a long drag, “that may change though.” 

We finished our cigarettes in silence, and still waited in the car for several minutes after finishing. Finally, I took another deep breath and opened my car door, Isiah followed suit. As Isiah walked to join me on my side of the car, I stared up at the huge house in front of us. 

“He better have some fucking good answers,” is all I said, before we walked up the steps to large front doors. Isiah rang the doorbell, and as we waited I patted down my change of dress looking for one of the secret pockets I put in years ago. Isiah turned to look at me with a confused expression on his face, until he saw me pull out a few rollups from the lining of my dress. He gave a small chuckle and gave me his lighter after he also lit up. We stood smoking for a few minutes, waiting for whoever to answer the door.

Eventually, the double doors opened and revealed none other than Michael holding them open. We stood staring at each other for a couple of minutes, taking each other in. He looked well, better than me at least. He also had some lingering cuts and bruises lining his face, and I wondered if his body was as damaged as mine. He wore his signature suit, with his hair slicked back. I took a long drag of my cigarette and the smoke blew into his face. 

“Michael.” 

“George” Michael’s reply made a small smile break onto to my face, he always called me that name to wind me up. Now, the name felt more comforting than annoying. Michael’s expression mirrored my own, with a small smile also gracing his face as he gestured with his hand for us to come inside. 

The hallway was as grand as I remembered. The high ceilings, and gold finishes made it feel like the entrance to an aristocrat’s house, not one belonging to a Shelby. I looked around for any changes, but could not spot any. Much like The Garrison, it felt like the place had been frozen in time. There were even still objects on the floor, where they had fallen during our arrests. 

“Everyone’s waiting in the meeting room for you,” Michael’s voice broke me out of my thoughts. The grimace he made saying ‘meeting room’ was clear from his voice, clearly not happy with where the family meeting was going to happen. I felt the same. 

Isiah and I followed Michael down the long hallways to reach the ‘meeting room’. Michael angled his body back towards us when he spoke, “you made him wait longer than he thought you would.”

“Should have made him wait longer,” I said, unable to keep the harshness out of my words. Thankfully Michael chuckled. 

“Yeah, you should of,” was his reply. 

We reached the hallway leading to the meeting room, making me pause in my stride. I did not notice the other two walk ahead of me, too caught up in the memories of the last time I was here. I felt my hands begin to shake at the thoughts swirling around me head. Everything between now and then beginning to reply in my mind. 

“Georgina?” Michael’s voice broke me out of my thoughts once again. “Are you alright?” 

I gave a quick nod of my head and began to pull myself together. I took a few deep breaths and finally moved through the hall, until I joined the boys outside the white door I remembered so well. Michael knocked on the door, and I held my breath until the door was forcefully pulled open. 

The air left my lungs in a rush as we were greeted by the face of a smiling John, “welcome to the party.” Like Michael, he gestured to the room with the flourish, inviting us in. The two lads went in first, whilst I hesitated slightly. If that was John’s greeting, I wondered what the others would be like. I was sure he was only acting like sarcastically, possibly to try and ease some of the tension, but you never really knew with John.

I was the last to enter the room, as John tagged on after the lads, presumably tired of me waiting. I walked in slowly, unsure of who or what was awaiting me. Whilst I still felt some anger within me, it was mainly nerves I felt now. I stopped when the room was in full view to me, and I was in full view of the room. It looked the same as last time, just without the packets of money lining the large desk at the front and centre of the room. The chairs had been placed in the same semi-circle, and the same people filled the spaces. There were a few exceptions to the rule, mainly Lizzie, but everyone from that fateful day was here. And they had nearly all turned to stare at me.

Not having seen me enter, Tommy said, “you kept us waiting longer than I said,” to Isiah. Which made Isiah huff a laugh and stare at Tommy incredulously.

“Did you expect anything less?” was all Isiah said before sitting in one of the chairs in the back row, with his arms folded defiantly. Everyone else was still looking at me. Probably trying to see if I was hurt, and how badly. Judging by how hard Polly was staring, I guessed she was attempting to see the skin hidden by my clothing. No one would be seeing that for a long time. 

While they all checked me over, I did the same to them. They all looked good, even Arthur, who I thought would look worse for wear just from the amount of alcohol I presumed he would drink upon release. Out of everyone Michael and Isiah looked about as bad as me, but still not as bad. The state they were all in bitterly reminded me of the fact that they had all been out longer. Their bruises had been able to heal, without fresh ones being put in their place. 

As my eyes scanned across everyone in the room, they finally stopped on Tommy, who was exactly where we left him. Front and centre behind his desk. He had also just turned to notice me, and our eyes locked for a second. Those cerulean eyes were burned into my mind, they had been on my mind the whole time I was locked up, they had fuelled my anger up until now; but seeing them again in person just made me want to cry. I looked away from his eyes as quickly as possible, not wanting to caught up in them, like so many times before. I could not turn to look at the rest of the room either, not wanting to see any more attention on me; so, I stared resolutely at the floor, waiting for the ‘meeting’ to start. 

“Everyone take a seat,” I heard Tommy say after a minute or so. I heard some shuffling around, presumably everyone taking their seat. I decided to stay standing, and moved closer the wall near me to lean against. This gave me the perfect advantage of being able to flee the room quickly, if need be. After looking back up again, I noticed the position gave me a perfect position to oversee everyone in the room, without them being able to stare at me discreetly. I was also in the best position to aim a gun at Tommy. Something I would no doubt be tempted to do during this ‘meeting’. 

After arranging some papers, Tommy also sat down, he was able to face the room from the chair behind his desk. He did a quick glance around the room, lingering longer than I liked on me. He did not force me to move or sit down though, knowing it was a pointless argument, and would only cause my anger to overtake me again. Tommy shuffled his papers again, making him appear more nervous than I had ever seen, before he coughed and began to talk. 

“Thank you all for coming today,” he began very formally. His words caused a few sighs around the room, making it clear people did not want to really be here; but like Isiah said, they wanted answers. “Before we go any further, I just want to let you know that your money is still waiting for you, and you will receive it as soon as possible.” 

I could not believe him. As if we cared about money now. I could not speak for everyone else, but money was the last thing on my mind. I had to laugh once he had said it. I tried to keep it quiet, but clearly not quiet enough.

“Something funny Georgina?” Tommy asked. At his tone, I immediately stopped. I looked at his face and saw him raise an eyebrow at me, making it clear he wanted me to answer his question. His expression made me feel like such a child. I raised an eyebrow back, not wanting to back down one bit.

“Yeah actually. The fact that you think any of us give a shit about your money after what you’ve put us through.” I spoke harshly, not bothered by his feelings at this point. By the clench of jaw, I knew that Tommy knew that.

“Is that so?” He asked, then directed his gaze to the rest of the room, “do none of you want it anymore.” 

Again, his expression and tone made it feel as though he was the headmaster of a school talking down to the naughty children. I looked at the others, and saw them begin to look a bit sheepish in their seats. I was surprised that none one else was talking back to Tommy, I knew they wanted answers, but I did not think they would want them this much. I was also surprised when Michael was the first to speak up. Maybe he felt as much anger as me, having been left in longer than the rest of the immediate family. 

“It’s not about not wanting the money Tom, it just seems a bit meaningless after what we’ve all had to do to receive it.”

Tommy nodded at Michael’s explanation, seeming to accept his answer more than mine. I took a deep breath, feeling more anger rush to the forefront of my mind. How could except Michael’s explanation so easily, but wanted to pick an argument when I spoke? 

“That’s fair enough, and I understand there’s a lot of anger in the room; but I want you all to know that Shelby Company Limited is now in the best position it has ever been. I won’t go into the into the finer details, but thanks to everyone here, we’re now a fully legitimate and legal business. All our records have been cleared, meaning we will no longer have the police hanging over our heads at every turn. And if we ever do ever run into trouble we’ve now got friends in much higher places to help us out.” Tommy stopped talking and looked around the room, trying to read everyone’s expressions. I looked as well, and could not believe that nearly everyone was nodding alone, accepting Tommy’s answer.

“Are you fucking serious?” I asked. I could not believe I was the only one enraged by his explanation. After everything we have just endured for him, all the beatings I knew I was not the only one to receive, and that was his answer? And was just going to accept that? I turned to look directly at Tommy again, “you’re telling me, that I’ve been locked inside for weeks just for you to get friends in higher places?”

“There is a bit more to it than that, but I didn’t want to bore you all with the details. All you need to know is that the police won’t be breathing down our necks anymore, and you all still get the money you’re owed.”

“That’s fucking bullshit. I want all the fucking details, maybe that will actually explain why you’ve done this to us!” I was seething. How could he be so un-phased by all of this? Did he really care so little that he actually saw what happened as a good thing? And the rest of them just accepting this? I was incredibly disappointed. 

“There’s no need to shout Georgina.” Tommy’s calmness was infuriating, he was making me feel like a child again.

“Yeah, Georgina, what’s done is done now,” I was astounded that John was the one to say this. 

“I think I’ve every reason to shout after what I’ve just been through. Has he fucking brainwashed all of you?” I was still shouting, furious that no one else seemed to care as much as me.

“It can’t be worse then what everyone else went through,” Tommy gestured to the room, they were staring at us like we were a tennis match, and I currently had the ball. 

“Well, for one thing, I was in there longer than anyone else.” I crossed my arms over my chest, prepared to fully defend myself and my anger. 

“I doubt that made a difference love,” I heard Arthur say, making me raise my eyebrows at him in surprise, not liking that he was also going to argue against me.

“You really think that?” I asked, to which several heads nodded along with Arthur, “then you have no fucking clue. I didn’t have the Shelby name as any form of protection in there. That’s why I was left till last. I had the Shelby name used against me.”

“Come on love, they know you work with us. They wouldn’t have tried shit,” John spoke up again. I was so shocked. I never thought they would begin to argue with me about this. Either they were refusing to believe I could have been treated worse, or they really did not believe me. I didn’t want to have to fight to prove that I had had a horrendous time inside. I felt my eyes glaze over with tears, knowing I would have to tell them what happened, or at least drop hints.

“When you’re referred to as ‘Tommy Shelby’s _whore_ ’, you don’t really get any respect from anyone in there, especially the officers,” I told them, hearing my voice crack on the word ‘whore’. I turned to solely face Tommy again, not wanting to see anyone else’s expression. “That nickname seems to suggest an open door policy. A nice little queue began to form on day two.” I hoped he understood what I was saying. And I hope he heard the loathing in my voice. 

I saw Tommy’s jaw clench harder than before, letting me know he had understood my meaning of ‘open door’. “Who?” he asked to quietly that I almost did not hear him.

“Nearly every fucking one of them” I said harshly, not wanting to sugar coat it for anyone. Now that the hint about my experience had been dropped, I wanted to understand the hurt I was feeling.

“Give me names,” Tommy demanded.

“No. No, you don’t get to fix this now.”

“Why not? I can do it easily.”

“You’re the reason it happened!” I shouted, pointing at him, “you’re the reason everyone wanted a go. They all wanted bragging rights for Tommy Shelby’s whore.” I felt the tears in my eyes grow stronger. Now the anger was slowly starting to leave, and a vast amount of sadness and shame was taking it’s place. I took another deep breath, but it did not help and I ended up choking on it slightly as a sob escaped. That one caused more, and before I knew it tears had started rolling down my face. I brought my hands to my face, trying in vain to cover them up. But I knew it was no use, everyone was becoming a witness to my breakdown. I really tried to recover, but now it was happening it could not be stopped. 

“Georgina…” I heard someone whisper my name, and felt someone walk closer to me. It was not until I felt hand grasp my shoulder that I snapped out of it. I flinched away from the hand that touched me, and looked up to see Polly staring at me with wide eyes. I looked around the room to find everyone staring at me, all with traces of shock on their face. No one in this room had seen me cry in years, so I imagine this episode would have come as a surprise. I do not know why seeing their faces covered in shock made me become angry again, but it did.

“Stop staring at me!” I all but screamed at everyone, shocking them further. I looked back to Tommy, and saw that he was less shocked than the rest of them, he looked more angry than anything else. “You,” I pointed my finger at him, “you did this. You’ve fucking broken me! I didn’t deserve this. None of us fucking deserved this. But we’ve done it now. We’ve done it for you.” I poked him in the chest, “and I really, really wish I could hate you. But I can’t, and I probably never will,” I let out a wet laugh, knowing how true my words were. “But I just want you to know that I will never forget what you’ve caused, and I will never forgive you for it.” I stared into his icy blue eyes for a moment, so he could see how serious I was. His expression did not change. “I don’t want to see you or your money ever again.”

And with that parting sentence, I walked out the room and left the Shelby’s behind.


	3. Make it Stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I'm going to put a Trigger Warning before this chapter, just in case the subject matter is close to anyone's heart. There is an attempted suicide in this chapter, so please be aware when you're reading.**

A week passed and I made no move the see the Shelby’s again. In fact, I made no move do to anything at all. A few people had stopped by the house, probably just to have a nose and get gossip for the rest of the neighbourhood, but the only person I let in was Harry. Even then, I did not really talk much. I did not know what to say. I could not tell him what had happened inside, and I still did not really understand the reasoning behind everything. So, I avoided the topic all together. I think Harry had understood, or he did not want to hear the details either, as he also avoided the topic. He filled me in on what I had missed, and then went about telling me all the other gossip from around town. On a few occasions the Shelby name had been mentioned, but after he had seen me tense up at their names he stopped bringing them up. A few pieces of information came out that I knew had to be linked to them, but I ignored them. I could not deal with that family anymore. I could barely face looking at myself in the mirror, I could not face all of them knowing that they knew what had happened to me. 

I was currently sat in the bath. Harry had left not long ago to start on the evening rush at The Garrison. I had bathed a lot this past week. But no amount of water or scrubbing had made me feel clean yet. I could still feel them all on me. I could still smell them all around me. Nothing I used had helped. All the soaps and oils I had collected did nothing to change the way I felt. It was as if I was still in there, not helped by the fact that I refused to leave the house. 

I brought my knees up to my chest and let the silence float around me. With me head buried in my knees it truly felt like I was back inside. I could hear the clinking of the guard’s keys. The slamming of cell doors. The tapping of an officer’s foot as he walked toward down the corridor. It was when the sound a door opening that I could not take it anymore. The silence was suffocating. It created too many scenarios in my head. It made everything I wanted to block out appear in my mind. It started to blend reality with memories, and I was so tired of it. I just wanted to forget. I know it had only been a week since my release, but I could not cope. It felt like so much longer, as did my time inside. I did the only thing I thought would help me forget. I heard my name being said a distance away, and my mind made me believe it was another officer coming for his time with me. This needed to stop.

I placed my hands on either side of the tub. 

I pushed my whole body down under the water. 

I took a deep breath.

I let go of the sides.

And I forced my head to go under the water.

And I found silence.

Pure silence.

No noises. No memories. No guards. No cell. No bathroom. No Georgina.

I felt like I was floating. Floating away from everything that had happened and everything that was to come. 

When my lungs began to burn, I took a breath in, only to receive a mouth full of water. My body begged me to sit back up. But my mind told me not to. This was the best way. This would make everything stop. I would finally feel clean. 

I accepted what was about to happen, when I heard a faint bang and a shadow fell across my bath. I began to panic thinking it was happening again. Thinking they had come for me. But when I looked above me, I was surprised to see Tommy. I saw his lips moving, faintly making out my name, whilst his eyes looked frantically around my bathroom. After he had appeared to grab something from the side, his arms lowered into my water and scooped me out of the bath.

Once I was out in the open, my lungs began heaving in breaths whilst trying to cough out some of the water I had swallowed. I was hysterically gasping for breath, when I felt something soft wrap around me. It seemed what Tommy had grabbed, was a towel I had left on the side. Tommy cradled me in his arms as he lowered us both to the floor beside the bath. He began rubbing the towel up and down my arms, either trying to warm me up or calm me down, I could not tell. Whatever he was attempting to do slowly began working, as my breathing calmed down and I began to warm up. My breath was almost back to normal when I felt my eyes grow heavy. I heard Tommy say my name a few times before my eyes closed all together and I fell asleep. 

-

I was not sure what time it was when I finally woke up. All I could tell was that it had become significantly darker outside than the last time I was awake. I looked down and saw that I had been placed under my quilt, but was still dressed in the towel Tommy had wrapped me in. As the thought of Tommy I wondered where he was now. I assumed he would have left, but from the few noises I heard from downstairs it seemed he had not. 

After taking my time throwing on some bed clothes, not bothered how or who would see me now, I finally went down the stairs. What greeted me was I sight I had not seen in a long time. Tommy Shelby was sat at my kitchen table, reading a paper, with a steaming cup of tea in front of him. The last time he had done this had to have been a few years ago now. It was certainly before Grace had appeared in Small Heath. I could not quite believe it had been that long ago. I decided to voice some of my thoughts to let Tommy know I had come down. 

“A lot has changed since the last time you sat like that,” I said, moving away from the doorway where I had been standing, to the seat across from Tommy at the table. As I sat down, he folded up the paper he had been reading to look solely at me. He huffed a laugh, through his nose, at my words.

“Like what?” he asked. I could not seem look at him, so I stared at the grains that ran along my table. 

“You’ve been married and had a child,” I said, to which he replied with a light hum. “John’s had two more kids. Polly’s gained back a son. Arthur’s got married and expecting. Finn no longer comes ‘round begging for sweets anymore.” I listed everything off wistfully, no longer staring at my table, but staring into the past. The happy memories that had taken place throughout the years, easily put a smile on my face. That was quickly wiped off by the sad memories that swept my mind. “My parents have passed. Grace has passed. We’re no longer the people we used to be.” 

At my last sentence, I finally looked at Tommy who appeared to have pensive look on his face. After noticing me finally look at him, he flicked his eyes to mine. I used to be able to read Tommy’s eyes like the back of my hand, but I had no idea what emotion was swirling through them at the moment. 

“We could never be the people we were before. Everything had to change,” was all Tommy said. I knew he was right. The war made sure of that. It made me sad nevertheless. I missed the way things used to be, the people we used to be. I nodded solemnly and looked away again, getting lost in my thoughts once more. 

The silence carried on for a while. I could feel Tommy staring at me, analysing me, the whole time, but I refused to look back up at him. 

Eventually, Tommy sighed and stood up. “Would you like some tea?” he asked, even though he had already began making me some. Once again, I nodded and felt, more than saw, him place the tea in front of me. I heard him sit back down, and was more than content to let the silence continue again, but Tommy was not. 

“Why Georgina? Why did you do that?” he asked, with some desperation in his voice. Something I had never heard from him before. 

“I just wanted it to stop,” I whispered.

“What? Want what to stop?” Tommy said, just as quietly. 

“Everything. I wanted it all to just stop. The noises, the voices, the smells, the feeling that I will never be the same again. I wanted it all to just… go away, even just for a second.”

Tommy did not say anything, he just took a deep breath and appeared to contemplate my words. I heard him pull his pack of cigarettes from somewhere and throw them onto the table. I turned just in time to see him place a cigarette in his mouth to light it. He noticed my gaze on him, and nodded towards the packet, silently offering me one, which I accepted. I placed the end in my mouth, whilst Tommy leaned across the table to light the end of it for me. I took a deep drag, which made me feel incredibly calm and relaxed. So relaxed that I decided to open up to Tommy, really open up. 

“You’ve put me through a lot over the years Thomas,” I puffed out another breath of smoke into the air, and watched as Tommy’s jaw clenched slightly. He hated when people called him Thomas now. Grace used to call him that on occasion. “I had to adjust to the you that came back from the war. The you that seemed to want more from life than to just be a stable hand. A you that would rather cut people for information, rather than just ask them. A you that didn’t think I was good enough anymore,” I paused to let my words sink in, and to take a few more drags of my cigarette. 

“I had to watch you fall in love with someone else, someone that wasn’t me, and deal with the fallout from that. I watched you close off more than I thought you possibly could. Watched as you tried to mask your pain by sleeping with more women that weren’t me. Watched as you fell back in love with the woman who broke your heart so badly. I saw you begin to raise a child with her. Marry her. And basically alongside her. I watched you, and tried to help you, over and over and over again. And it broke my heart, over and over and over again. And I still stayed. I was still there for you. You said ‘jump’ and I asked ‘how high?’ But then… then you went and fucked us all over. All for yourself. All for you, and your plans. You didn’t give a shit about any of us, did you?” I asked, dabbing off the ash at the end of my cigarette. 

“And it hurt me, more than all the other stuff, it really hurt to know you really didn’t care about me anymore. But, what hurt the most was hearing when you’d got everyone else out; cause believe me, they let me know,” I turned to stare Tommy in the eye as I said this, letting him know I was serious about them telling me everything. I took a long drag as I did so, before looking away again. “I spent the first week in there thinking, ‘it’s okay, stay calm, Tommy said he had a plan, he’ll get you out’. But then, the week passed and nothing happened. Then they started coming to my cell. First, it was to rub it in whenever someone I knew had gotten out. But then… it became something more for them, a game, where they won every time. And still, I thought you would come and get me out.” 

The emotion had begun creeping into my voice, but I had to carry on, I had to get it all out there. “The second week passed, and someone started coming to cell once a day, if not more. They would… laugh at me… and they wouldn’t stop… no matter what I said. Nothing I did got them to stop coming. They wouldn’t leave me alone. They said I deserved it,” I stubbed out my cigarette and leant forward in my chair, making sure I had Tommy’s attention, “and you know what? I think they were right. I did deserve it. Clearly you didn’t think I was worth getting out, so why should I? Why should I believe I didn’t deserve it? So, I let it happen. I stopped fighting. I just… gave up.” I fell back into my chair, looking more relaxed than I felt. Tommy looked away from me, the only sign that he was struggling to hear what I was saying. Good. It was struggle for me to say. 

“If the one person in the world I truly cared about, clearly didn’t care about me, then, why should I? I had no one else fighting for me. I’ve had no one fighting for me for a long time. So, what was the point in fighting for myself anymore,” I took a deep breath, the emotion weighing heavily on me. I began staring off into space, recalling the last week of my time in prison. “By the end of another week I just wanted them to put me out of my misery. I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted them to just… just kill me. I really wanted to die… And shall I tell you something Tommy?” I asked, and waited until his attention was on me. He gave the smallest nod of the head, encouraging me to tell him, “I still want to. And I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away.”

“I’m sorry,” Tommy replied, making me laugh. I laughed quietly, but it was enough for Tommy to see. I tilted me head back and closed my eyes, shaking with my small laughter. However, when I opened my eyes and looked back at Tommy, I knew he could see the tears swimming in my eyes. 

“Are you really Tommy? Cause I don’t think you are,” I said sadly, letting the tears come further to the surface. After staring at him few a seconds more, I let the tears fall down my face. 

After a short while of me crying into the silence, I heard Tommy clear his throat, as he leaned forward in his chair. 

“I felt like I didn’t have a choice George. There were so many things piling up around me, and with Grace gone I had to do everything I could to protect our son.”

I huffed at Tommy’s words, already growing tired of his excuses. 

“What about the rest of your family?” I asked, but quickly came to realise I would not receive an answer. 

“I suppose you’re expecting a thank you for saving my life once again. You did come quicker this time.”

“I’m not expecting anything, I’m just glad I got here in time,” Tommy said. 

“How did your ‘family meeting’ go,” I asked, more out of curiosity than any actual interest. 

Tommy coughed uncomfortably. “It seems everyone else had similar feelings to you. Polly, Esme and Linda made it clear I wouldn’t be seeing them for a while.”

After Tommy had finished I just stared at him. Even though he was facing the possibility of not seeing his family again, he still showed no remorse of his face. Either he was still too good at hiding things from me, or he genuinely did not feel sorry for what he had done. But I was too tired to figure out which one it was. I was too tired to figure out anything to do with Tommy anymore. I was done.

“They can join the club then,” was all I said in response. Tommy looked at me with a tilted head, seemingly trying to figure out what I meant. He stared at me long and hard, before he finally understood. For once I could see some emotion on his face, I could see the resignation in his eyes, and some form of sadness appeared to etch itself across his face. 

“Goodbye Thomas.”

I leaned across the table to grab another cigarette, and lazily began to smoke it as I watched Thomas Shelby walk out of my life.


	4. Reunited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The real Series 4 spoilers begin here. Hope you enjoy!!

*One Year Later*

I could physically feel myself shaking with anger. I had been sent a black hand. A black fucking hand. I thought I was free from this. One year away and I thought I had finally gotten over the Shelby family, thought I was finally able to move on. But this card clearly indicated otherwise. I knew if I had been sent this, then the others had been as well. It was Arthur who had pulled trigger, I had just been a witness, which made me liable enough to have a target placed on my back. John had been there too, so no doubt he had received one as well. I knew what the black hand meant though, I knew we would not have been the only ones to receive the card. Anyone they considered to be family would be included, even the children. 

The longer I sat and stared at the card, the more my anger began to ebb away, soon to be replaced by an overwhelming sadness. Finn would be included in this now, being close to turning eighteen He would be expected to fight for his family. Another young boy turned into a soldier for a war he had no part in. And the kids. All of John’s brood, and Charlie, and Arthur’s new baby would have targets placed upon them now. All for a vendetta they would never understand. Arthur’s child was barely even a though when the shooting happened, how could he become such an intrinsic part of this? Because I knew the mafia, I had heard plenty of stories about them over the years. They would stop at nothing to get revenge. They would hurt anyone who got in their way. Even babies who could not even walk yet.

I knew what I had to do long before I admitted it to myself. It was not only for my safety, but the safety of everyone else involved. There was safety in numbers, and I knew I had to accept that. I knew I had to become part of the Blinder army once again, I knew I had to help fight this battle. I knew I had to go back to where it began 

I had to go back to Small Heath.

-

In all honesty, I did not know where to go first. If I went straight to Small Heath, there was no guarantee that anyone would be there. Obviously, all the old members were still around, along with Isiah and his father; but none of the immediate family would be there, and they were who I needed to speak to the most about this. Tommy’s house was off the table, there was no way I was stepping foot in this house again, not with all the memories I tried to leave there. So that left either Arthur, John or Polly. 

Whilst I had no problem going straight to Arthur, I was not overly fond of Linda. We all knew about her mother’s reputation, and she knew all about Arthur’s, but she still acted as if she were better than everyone around her. She was not wrong to judge the Shelby reputation, but by marrying a member of the family, she also had to shoulder it and become tarred with the same brush. She was technically a Shelby now, she was no better than any one of them. Arthur’s was not the best place for me to go.

I imagined John would already have his hands full. Christmas Eve without the number of children they had acquired over the years was no laughing matter. And with him probably having to explain to Esme what the black hand meant, turning up on his doorstep was unlikely to gain me any favours. 

That left Polly. Before I had stepped away from the family, Polly was who I was closest to. She was like a second mother to me, after having lost my own a few years back. And I had always been like a second daughter to her, even more so after what had happened to her daughter, Anna. Our bond had always been the strongest, and I always felt guilty that I had included her in my cut off. But the only way I saw it possible to move on from the Shelby family, was to block out the family as a whole. I could have no strings left attached to anyone. I had not seen or heard from Polly since I had stormed out of the tumultuous family meeting, just over a year ago. 

So, it was with much apprehension that I pulled up outside of her house on Christmas Eve, not knowing what I was walking in to, or what kind of greeting I would receive. 

I made a slow approach to the door, and waited with baited breath as I rang the doorbell. I could not believe how nervous I was. I could my palms begin to sweat, and my heart rate start to pick up. I was never like this before. I could always face up to any challenge with remarkable calm, never giving any of my emotions away. But I guess a lot has changed now, otherwise I would not be stood where I am. 

After a minute or two of waiting, the door finally started to pull open. I was surprised to see Ada standing behind the door, thinking she was in America, clearly the black hand stretched further than I thought. Based on her expression, she appeared just as surprised to me standing on the other side of the door. 

“Georgina? What are you doing here?”

Not knowing what to say, I simply held up the card that contained the black hand. Another look of surprise crossed Ada’s face, before understanding took over. She gave me a nod, and moved further into the house, giving me permission to enter. 

As I stepped inside, I could see no noticeable differences in the house since I was last here, except the fact that it used to be a lot lighter. And a lot tidier. I could feel myself becoming worried at the sight. This was not the house Polly Gray lived in. When she was given the house, she always liked to keep it together, never knowing who was going to drop in unannounced, and actually able to keep it together now that the boys did not live with her. She liked to let in as much light as possible, thinking it would help keep her inner darkness at bay, which worked to some extent, but she clearly did not think like that now. I wondered how much of her inner darkness was now being reflected by this outer appearance. 

I allowed Ada to close the door, and take the lead into the house, already feeling like I was intruding. I could feel my anxiety growing the further we walked into the house, and I could not stop myself from wringing my hands together again and again. As if sensing my rising panic, Ada abruptly turned around, and made us pause before we reached the door I knew led to the living room. 

“She’ll be pleased to see you,” Ada said, placing her left arm on my forearm as a comforting gesture. “She…” Ada paused, and looked over her shoulder slightly, before lowering her voice to speak again, “she hasn’t been well recently. Since… since everything that happened, she hasn’t been herself. Been speaking to the spirits, and thinking they’re speaking back. Seeing you will be good for her. It’ll be good for everyone actually.”

My heart sank at Ada’s words, confirming my worries. This was not Polly Gray’s house anymore, it was another version of Polly, a changed Polly. I still had a hard enough time coping with what had happened, it made sense that Polly was too. I just hoped Ada was right about me being here.

I nodded to let Ada know I had heard her, but decided not to verbally respond for now. Having no idea what I would say anyway. Ada looked at me for another moment, before nodding herself, and turning back around to continue leading me through the hallway. 

When we reached the door, she held out her hand, silently telling me to stay where I was for now. I did as I was told, and watched as she entered the room with a flourish. I waited for a second, before hearing Ada announce, “you’ve got a visitor Pol,” and taking that as my que to enter the room. 

I took a steadying breath, before pushing the door open fully, and revealing myself to the occupants inside. Ada was stood just inside the door, I could feel her watching me as I entered. Michael sat in an armchair that was placed on an angle away from the door, but I also felt his eyes on me as I walked in. My eyes were trained onto the woman sat on the couch next to him. The infamous Polly Gray. 

At first glance, she looked no different than a year ago, but as our eyes connected I could see the change in her. Her eyes looked wild, as if she were not seeing everything properly, like she could not concentrate on something for longer than a second. But I knew she was looking at me, taking me in, I could feel the intense heat of her gaze. Even though her eyes looked different, almost hysterical, her stare still held the same power. One look was enough to stop you in your tracks. 

“Polly?” I whispered, the name coming out as more of a question than a statement. As I looked passed her eyes, I could see she looked just as wild everywhere else. With her hair unkempt, and falling around her face. She had visibly lost weight, making her dress look huge on her, more like she was propping it up rather than wearing it. She looked crazed, and I was struggling to connect her name to the once powerful woman I knew before. 

“Georgina,” Polly sighed in response. Like my name was the answer to a prayer she needed answered.

I could hear Michael’s audible sigh, drawing my attention to him for a second, before my eyes immediately sought out Polly once again. I felt myself moving forward, until I was stood directly across from her, with just the coffee table in between us. We continued to stare at each other, until I turned my head back to look at Ada. I felt as though I somehow had to ask for permission now. She was not my Polly anymore, I was not a part of the family anymore, it was no longer my right to do as I pleased. Ada gave me a soft nod, allowing me to move forward and sit next to Polly on her couch. 

Her eyes followed me the whole way, and when I sat down, I was almost surprised by how close we were. I never thought I would see Polly again, never mind sit like this with her again. As soon as I sat down, Polly reached forward and grabbed my hand in hers. Her grip was so tight I wondered if she was going to let go. Her other hand reached out and cupped my right cheek, her thumb softly brushing against my cheek. 

“You’re back?” she asked, continuing to stare directly into my eyes. I was so trapped in her stare that I could only nod in answer to her question. “Why?”

Instead of answering her question this time, neither verbally or non-verbally, I instinctively looked down at my hands, where one of them was still clutching the menacing card I had received. 

Polly immediately followed where my gaze had dropped. Her hand retracted from my face so fast it was like she had been burned. However, the grip her other hand had on mine tightened further, becoming so painfully tight I had to hold back a wince. She snatched the card from my hand, and read over it, confirming that they had all probably received a similar card. 

“Not you as well?” she asked, still staring at the card. 

I looked at the other two in the room, who were also both staring at the card Polly was holding. I watched as Michael’s jaw clenched to an impossible point, looking as though it might crack through his skin at any point. 

“I was there that night. I think I was probably top of their postage list,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. My comment immediately fell felt, showing the seriousness of the situation we were in. 

“So, _you are_ back?” I heard Michael ask. I turned to look at him, and found his eyes still trained on the card. I still nodded in answer, even though he knew he could not see me.

“I’m back.”


	5. Going Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *SPOILERS AHEAD* (you have been warned)  
> Hope you enjoy x

“Polly… Polly… you need to calm down. You need to let the doctors do their job, okay?” 

“Get out of my way!”

Polly pushed her way past me and followed the path the doctors had taken with Michael, on a stretcher. I watched as she disappeared from sight, and took a deep breath. I could not believe what had happened. Whilst we had been sitting around trying to decide when we should go back to Small Heath, Michael and John had been ambushed. Now Michael was bleeding out of four bullet shaped holes in his body. And John, John was another story. 

I desperately wanted to follow Polly into the hospital, to see what was going on, to see them save Michael, but my feet would not move. I felt numb. 

I waited next to the ambulance that had brought Michael in, and waited. I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket, lit it, and waited. I waited and watched. I watched as Arthur arrived and solemnly walked through the front doors. I waited and caught my first glimpse of Tommy in over a year, as he stormed through the entrance not caring who he pushed out of his way. And I watched as a distraught Esme staggered through the doors to say a final goodbye to her husband, and to confront Tommy no doubt. I waited, and finished off two more cigarettes. 

I continued waiting, and watching, for at least an hour before I saw sign of the Shelby’s again. First were Tommy and Arthur, who walked out with such calm no one could guess the situation they now found themselves in. But I knew the haze they were under was anything but calm, they were both just extremely practiced at pushing their feelings down and hiding them away. I stayed out of their eyeline as they made their way to their respective cars and drove off, presumably going to regroup somewhere more private.

Next was Esme, who looked just as distraught leaving as she did when she arrived. There was no car waiting for her, so I watched as she continued walking past the hospital, and around the corner, where she went in whatever direction she pleased. I could only guess where she was going, but wherever she went I knew it would be as far away from the Shelby’s as possible, on a course that would be best for the kids. I just hoped it would not be the last I ever saw of her, the Shelby boys needed as many strong women around them as they could find to help keep them in line, and there were none stronger than Esme Shelby. She needed her time now though, time to grieve and time to raise the kids in peace for once. 

Finally, Polly made her way back out of the hospital, and immediately started in the path towards me, somehow knowing I was still where she left me. The look I saw on her face made me stand on high alert, knowing that whatever she had to say would not be good. 

“Michael…” she started, but trailed off, gaining a far off look in her eyes. 

“What? What about Michael?” I asked, not bothering to hide the panic in my voice. When she did not answer me, I took hold of her upper arms and gently shook her, repeating my question with more urgency. 

“He’s… alive. He’s okay, I think,” the look in her eyes seemed to clear as she said the words, as if she were hearing them for the first time. I breathed a sigh of relief. He was alive, that was all that mattered at the moment, we would deal with rest whenever it came. Knowing Michael was just as stubborn as his mother, and his cousins, he would recover much faster than most shooting victims. I doubted he would stay in the hospital for long. 

“I thought I’d lost him. When they said about John, I thought… I thought that was it. That I’d lose him for good this time,” Polly confessed. Although she was speaking out loud, I knew she was not speaking to me, she was speaking to whoever else she could see around us. The so-called spirits Ada had said she had been seeing this past year. But still, I offered whatever comfort I could, and brought her into a soft embrace, hopefully reminding her she was not alone, that there were not just spirits around her anymore. I was here, living and breathing, and real, and ready to bring her back into the real world to help find the scum that had hurt her son and killed her nephew. 

I held Polly for a several minutes, needing her comfort as much as she needed mine. John had been like a brother to me for many years, making me feel more regretful that I had also cut him off during this past year. I could not take it back now though. What is done, is done. 

Feeling Polly push against me, I knew she was ready for me to let go, making me quickly drop my arms back to my side and stand facing her again. She made sure to keep my eye contact as a more serious than emotional expression crossed her face. Much like last night, she placed her hand against my cheek, and delicately ran her thumb across my cheek. She looked into my eyes for a moment, seemingly trying to read the emotion in them, before dropping her hand down to her side again.

“Tommy’s called for another meeting. Said to be at the old house in a few hours” Polly said. 

I huffed a sigh at her words, not even a deadly shooting could distract Tommy from the business at hand. I knew the situation we were all in was dangerous, further emphasised by the events that had taken place this morning, but he could have at least given us the day. Given himself the day. We had all lost someone we loved, having one more day to delay the meeting would not hurt anyone, but clearly Tommy did not follow the same thought pattern as myself.

“Of course he did. Couldn’t even give the rest of you the day to recover,” I paused to smooth my hand across my forehead, “Christ, you almost lost your son as well today, and he wants to get straight down to business.”

“Tommy is Tommy, he does what wants,” Polly paused, thinking over her next words, “I think you should come with me.”

“Polly…” I sighed.

“No, you’re as much a part of this as anyone. You got delivered a black hand too, you’re in as much danger as the rest of us. Hell, you’re in more danger than I am cause you were actually there that night. You’re coming with me.”

“Pol…” I started to sigh again, but thought better of it. She was right, I was as big a part of this as the rest of them. And I had been ready to face Small Heath a day or so ago, I had come back with the intention of helping out, becoming a part of it all again. But now the reality was setting in, and I was scared. I was not the same person I was before, when the Shelby’s regularly stalked the streets of Small Heath. I was not even the same person who had gone back there a year ago, when Tommy had been forced to stop me from taking my own life. I barely felt like the person I was two weeks ago; but I knew I had to go back at some point to deal with this. I knew I had to face everyone again now we were part of the same hitlist again. I just had to put my business head on, something I had not done in a long time, and face whatever would greet me on the other side. 

“I’ll think about it,” was what I said, but Polly and I both knew I would turn up at the meeting. They needed me just as much as I needed them, and the sense of foreboding that brought with it, was just as terrifying as it was familiar. 

-

A few hours later I was stood across from number four Watery Lane, trying to summon the courage to walk through the doors and retake my place as part of the blinders. I knew the meeting had probably started by now, having watched the rest of the family, along with Lizzie, Curly, and the Jesus’ enter the house at ease. They knew they still belonged there, there place was secure, and always had been. I had no idea where I stood, or where I would stand after this. We had all received the same threat, but I freely given up my place over a year ago. I was not bound by blood, or even honour, they could quite easily take one look at me and send me away again. Leave me to deal with this problem on my own. Even though I knew Polly, or Ada, would never allow that to happen, I could not help allow the thought cross my mind. They had as much loyalty to me as I had to them, anything could happen when I walked in there. It was literally a life or death situation at this point. 

With that in mind, I took a few more deep breaths, made myself stand up tall, and forced myself to cross the street, and open the door as if it were the most natural thing in the world; which it was, once upon a time. 

The room instantly fell silent as I walked through the door and into the dining room, where the meeting was being held. Tommy stood front and centre, with his back to me, meaning everyone else was facing outward, looking directly at me, as I strolled through the room. No one looked much different, including myself. Donned in my old slacks, shirt and tailored coat, it was almost as if this meeting were taking place five years ago, when everything felt normal, or as normal as it could have been with the Shelby’s.

The only noticeable difference was the empty chair opposite Arthur, directly in front of Tommy. We all knew who should be sat there, but it appeared as if I were not the only one obviously avoiding looking at the vacant seat. Instead, I stared directly in front of me, making sure not to make eye contact with anybody. Only Ada, who gave a single nod of reassurance, giving me enough power to continue walking through the room and stopping at Tommy’s side. 

I felt suffocated by the silence in the room. Much like last time I was in a room filled with these people, I could feel them all silently checking me over. Unlike last time, I was avoiding looking at them as much as I could, keeping my eyes trained on the back of Polly’s head, who was facing the opposite way to everyone else. 

“Georgina,” I heard the stiffness in Tommy’s words as he spoke from beside me, and I knew it was because I had surprised him. He certainly did not enjoy being surprised. 

“Thomas,” I replied, turning my head to face him. I felt my breath escape me when I connected with his eyes, in all my time away I had forgotten how blue, how piercing, they were, how they could cut through to the soul of any man that looked into them. I was one of those men now, and I could not help but wonder what he would see when he cut through to mine. 

We stared at each for longer than I thought possible, probably making the other occupants of the room uncomfortable, meaning before long Arthur cut in with a question.

“No offense love, but what are you doing here?” 

I broke away from Tommy’s stare, and looked towards his eldest brother instead. Not knowing how to phrase it, my eyes sought out Ada’s once again, already needing her support more than I imagined I would. However, she knew this was something I had to say for myself, so merely gave me another encouraging nod to begin speaking. 

“It seems I’ve received the same Christmas card as the rest of you,” I said, pulling the card I had received out of my pocket and throwing it onto the table. No one was looking at me now, all their eyes drawn to the card on the table. 

“But… why?” I heard Lizzie ask, making me look towards her, surely she knew why.

“Because I was there that night when Arthur,” I saw him flinch from the corner of my eye, “when Arthur did what he did,” I said, as delicately as I possibly could.

“But they should know you’ve not spoken to any of the family in over year, you’re not a part of the business anymore, you’re no part of this,” Lizzie said, surprising me at the harshness of her words. I raised a brow at her, feeling an anger begin to rise in me, offended at where this bitterness from her was coming from, she had no idea how much a part of the business I still was. 

“I’m still more a part of this family than you ever were,” I said, lacing my own voice with harshness she appeared to be carrying towards me. From her right, I saw a smirk begin to line Ada’s face, making me look around the room to find the same reaction on Polly’s face, clearly some of the old me was still inside me somewhere. 

After another tense moment of silence, I looked back towards Tommy, and found his eyes were still on the card in the middle of the table. I could not read the emotion on his face, not that anyone ever could, but I could see a slight shift in his demeanour. He looked more drained than ever, and for the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to wonder how this past year had been treating him. 

Before I could wonder too much, Tommy made himself stand straighter, and huffed a deep sigh through his nose. “Well,” he started, “welcome back to Small Heath Georgina, I hope you’re ready for a war.” 

He turned to face me at his last words, and although his tone was mocking, I could the seriousness in his eyes. It was a war the mafia wanted, and it was a war they would get. 

“I’m always ready Thomas,” I said, and watched as his jaw tightened as called him by his first name once again. 

“Take a seat,” was all he said in response, the instruction making me move forward. However, the only available seat at the table was now the place of a ghost, and I knew I could not sit there. That seat was not meant for me to take. As I walked past it, my eyes connected with Finn’s, and to my horror I knew I was looking at the person Tommy would choose to fill the seat. Barely a man, but he would have to become a soldier, and somehow carry the space John had left behind, a space much too big for him to fill yet, if ever. 

I carried on around the table, before I came to stop directly across from Tommy, who I found had been watching my movement from one side of the room to the other. I looked down to break his gaze away from mine, and looked at Polly’s face for the first time since entering the room. But she was not looking at me, her gaze was steadily fixed forward, refusing to move an inch to look at anyone else in the room, and I felt a pang of sympathy for Tommy. It was a war he had direct, but these soldiers were less than willing to follow orders now, he had already inflicted to much damage upon them. 

I immediately pushed the sympathy aside, knowing he did not truly deserve that emotion from me anymore, I was one of the most damaged by him. I pushed all my emotion to the side for the time being, and tuned into the meeting at hand, and listened to the orders Tommy had to give us.


	6. Funeral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!  
> I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, and has a calm and peaceful beginning to the new year, however you may be celebrating!

It felt wrong to be dressed in black. Even though that was the most common colour in my wardrobe, it felt wrong today. When you thought of John the colour black never came into mind. He was blue, and vibrant, and green, and alive, and sometimes even a soft pink in his down moments. Black was entirely the wrong colour for John, but it was entirely right for this moment. This moment of pain, and grief, and darkness, like one the Shelby family had never experienced before. I had been through this too many times to count now, but despite the amount of trouble the Shelby’s often found themselves in, they had only done this a handful of times now. It surely was not as easy as they were making this look. 

I stood towards the back of the group that had gathered and listened to Tommy and Arthur make their speech. I could count the number of times they had spoken about the war on one hand, so hearing their openness about how they felt after it was refreshing, if not also heart-breaking. But something about what they were saying struck a chord with me, because it was much like I had been feeling since my release from prison, and the events that had taken place immediately after. I had tried to end my life, I had _wanted_ to end my own life, but I had been saved. Even though I knew it had been Tommy that had saved me, I still felt like something else had intervened that night. Tommy could have turned up at my house at any time that evening, he could have even decided to wait until the following morning to come, but he had not; he had turned up at the exact time needed to stop me from drowning. Perhaps a minute later would have been too late. So, some part of me truly understood what Tommy and Arthur were talking about, every day since then had been a bonus for me, because I had been resigned to dying that evening, I had allowed myself to come to terms with what dying would mean, that it was one decision I could never change my mind about. But yet, I had been spared. Something had sent Tommy my way, and I had been allowed to live another day, and every other day since then. 

However, what Polly said next also began to resonate with me. What had _I_ been doing with those bonus days. I could not say I had spent this past year living them, but merely just surviving them. I had been spending my time away trying to cope, and come to terms with what had happened to me. I had used my time to exact revenge on those who had hurt me, but I could not truly say that was time well spent, or time spent living. Even though punishing those who had hurt me had felt good in the moment, whenever I had gone home afterwards, I just felt empty again. No amount of punishment would give me back what they took from me, no matter how much I hurt them I was still hurting, and there seemed to be no remedy to help ease it. And now I was back to the place where it all started, plotting more revenge against people who were threatening to hurt me. I had to wonder when this cycle would come to an end. Maybe when the bonus days ran out, maybe that would be the only way to escape from this life. It certainly seemed to be working for John. 

As these thoughts swirled around my head, I watched Tommy as he lit the end of a tree branch and set fire to the caravan John had been placed in. I watched him go up in smoke, just like he had said he had wanted. And I began to believe that this was the ending waiting for me, the only viable escape from this life I could see possible now. But now I began to hope it would happen later rather than sooner. No longer holding the same urge to hurt myself, I knew I wanted the bonus days now. I wanted to live, but somehow that idea felt scarier to me than when I had wanted to die. 

At first, I did not hear the gun shots that rang around us, too lost in my own thoughts to recognise the sound. It was only when I saw everyone around me begin to panic that I registered what the noise had been. I felt frozen. Obviously, just as I admitted to myself that I wanted to live, would be the time we came under attack. I felt the terror of the moment begin to wrap itself around me. The only other time I had felt like this had been my first night in prison, causing a chain reaction to start inside of me, where my thoughts were transported back to that time. I was no longer stood in the middle of a field with the Shelby family and friends, saying goodbye to John; but I was back in my prison cell, with some guard leering over me like I was a piece of meat. Like he was going to eat me alive. 

“Do not fire back! Hold your fire!” I could hear Tommy and Arthur shouting at everyone around me, but I could not register they were there, because mentally I was not there. I could not see them, I could only see the first prison guard. And then the second prison guard. Then the third. The fourth. 

“Georgina,” I heard someone whisper my name gently from next to me. I felt someone place their hand on my back. But I could still not see them. I could not see anyone. 

“Georgina,” the same person said again, only louder this time. 

It was only on the third utterance of my name that I began to come back to the present. The person had been loud enough to snap me back this time. My eyes came back into focus, and my breathing returned to normal, and I was able to stand up straighter, never even realising I had begun to shrink down during my haze. I still felt the terror circling within me, but noticing I was back in the present really began to help calm me down. 

I looked up and found the person to be comforting me was none other than Tommy himself. Seeing him next to me made me look around and see that almost everyone else had left us. I had no idea how long I had been in my haze, but it was clearly longer than I imagined. 

“You alright?” Tommy asked, drawing my attention back to him. 

I had no idea how to answer, because I had no idea what I was feeling. So, I went with the completely honest answer by saying, “no.”

Tommy hid his surprise well at my answer, but not well enough that I could not see it. He had every right to be surprised. I used to be as forthcoming about my feelings as Tommy was, covering them up whenever the opportunity presented itself. Not anymore though. I felt no need to. I was not alright, and how far would I get by covering that up? Probably back in the same position I was a year ago, which I had recently come to realise I did not want anymore. I knew it was about time to own up to my feelings now, and be honest about what place my head was in, because doing anything but that before, clearly did not lead me down the path of staying alive. 

And for once, I saw a look of regret flash across Tommy’s face, and I was more than curious as to why that happened. 

“I’m sorry,” was his only reply, surprising me this time, and making me even more curious as to what space his head was in now. 

I could only shrug in response, having no idea what to say to that. I had waited over a year for a genuine apology from Tommy, and now I appeared to be receiving one, I did not know how to take it. Instead, I decided to focus on the events at hand.

“What happened?” I asked, hoping Tommy would know I was referring to the gunshots, rather than my own episode of panic.

“We got rid of some local Italians trying to get in on the action.”

“ _We?_ ” 

“The Peaky Blinders newest allies.”

“Who?” I asked, but received no reply from Tommy. He wasted his time by lighting himself a cigarette. “Who, Thomas?”

Tommy stalled further by taking a few long drags of his cigarette. I was about to ask again, when he finally spoke up, “Aberama Gold.”

“What? Gold? Fucking hell Tommy, that’s…” I paused, forcing myself to not voice my opinion on the matter. It was not my place to say anything against Tommy’s plans anymore. 

“It’s what?” Tommy prompted, not sensing my discomfort at the idea that my opinion might be valid at all. 

“It’s nothing. It’s your decision to make, I guess we’ll just have to trust that you’ve made the right one.” 

Tommy began to stare me down, knowing my answer was not an honest, knowing that I was clearly having to bite my tongue to stop myself from voicing my true opinion. He stared at me until he finished his cigarette, possibly expecting me to give in and talk in he continued staring at me. He obviously did not remember how stubborn I could be, one of the only traits that remained after everything that had happened. 

Eventually, Tommy flicked the stub of his cigarette away, understanding that he was not going to get any further with me just by staring. He gave me a single stern nod, before he turned and walked away, presumably to follow where everyone else had gone. As I watched him walk I could not help but once again wonder what he now saw when he looked at me. What Tommy Shelby thought about was as much a mystery to me before, when I spent nearly every day with him, as it was now. Only now, I had absolutely no insight into what was going on in his mind. I guess I was not truly being dishonest in what I said before, we were all just going to have to trust that whatever decisions he made were going to be the right ones. 

-

After Tommy had left me, I waited a few moments before automatically following in the direction he appeared to be going. To my surprise, I easily recognised his trail as the one we used to take to Charlie’s yard, and I soon found myself among the clanging metal and steel once again. Only, the metal appeared to have been replaced by turkey’s and geese today. I was also surprised to find that I recognised many of the faces that were currently loitering the yard, clearly these blinder men had been more loyal to Tommy than his own family over the past year, although they had no reason to distrust at the moment; he had not shattered their lives and completely lost their trust yet. 

“Fuck me!” I heard someone exclaim from next to me. I turned around and came face to face with a grinning Johnny Dogs, making a grin of my own appear on my face. 

“Hello to you too Johnny,” I said, managing to control my grin into a small smile.

“Well, I never thought I’d see the fucking day you were back in Small Heath again.”

“Neither did I,” I replied, with a shrug. After I spoke I instantly saw the change in Johnny, as he became uncomfortable, and allowed a silence to fall over us. Although it only lasted a moment, it was obvious enough to notice, especially when it was Johnny who had stopped talking. 

“Well, it’s good to see you back. We’ve all missed you round here, even though some of us are too stubborn to admit it,” he said, making me furrow my brow. I used to think people could do with an interpreter when talking to Johnny, it was actually nice to see some thinks do not change, even though he had left me confused. However, instead of pressing the issue and finding out what, or who, Johnny was talking about, I merely told him it was good see him as well, before walking away and joining those who had begun to sit at the long table that had been set up through Charlie’s yard. 

Instead of joining in on the conversation, I decided to sit back and follow what was happening around me. Everyone appeared to be having a pretty good time, considering what had taken place this morning. But Arthur had made it clear that he thought today should be a day of celebration, where we should all celebrate the Christmas we missed out on yesterday, and most importantly, we should all celebrate John. John usually found any excuse for a party, or at least to get drunk, and today would have been no different. He would have been the first to drinking. Even with that in mind though, I could not find it inside myself to celebrate anything at the moment, but I understood the incentive, and allowed a smile to cross my face at the antics of everyone around me.

Before long the festivities were interrupted by the so-called new allies of the Blinders, Aberama Gold and his son. I could not help but let my eyes follow him as he walked through the yard, looking as though he was stalking some prey. I saw him stop and talk to Charlie, who looked disgruntled at whatever he said, before he moved on and approached Tommy and Arthur, who were standing away from the table. 

I had no idea what they were discussing, but when I saw Tommy pull a coin out of his pocket I could not stop myself from rolling my eyes. Tommy always had to use a coin to settle a debate, he had no patience to talk over a topic that he deemed pointless, I often wondered what he would lose someday, from thinking the coin was always on his side. However, I could not remember the last time I had actually seen Tommy settle things by the use of the coin, maybe even the short time he had already spent back in Small Heath had begun to change him. But I could not even begin to guess if the change would be good or bad. Would Tommy becoming like he was a few years ago make a difference? When he thought he was untouchable? At least these past few years had slowly shown him how much he had, and could, lose. Although, the last Tommy I had spent any time with was no better, being so cut off emotionally that he had no qualms about shopping his whole family into the police. And I had no idea what Tommy I was dealing with now. He was as much a stranger to me, as I was to him. Only time would tell who he was now, whether he had atoned for what he had done, whether he deserved anyone’s forgiveness or not. Nothing had earned that from me yet. 

Lost in my thoughts, I did not notice that Tommy and Arthur had settled whatever dispute they had had with Aberama; until I saw Tommy stand up again and make his way towards Polly. I held my breath, expecting an explosion when Tommy opened his mouth to speak to Polly. However, when I did not see one, I allowed myself to finally relax into my seat. It appeared some people were already on their way to forgiving Tommy. I just never would have assumed Polly would be the first one to do so. I guess everyone else had changed as much as me in my year away.


	7. They're Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy!

I felt lost, that was the only reason I was here. I needed some direction, someone to lay it all out in front of me and tell me what to do step by step, that was the reason I was here. I needed to feel like I was not alone in all of this, that someone understood what was happening, whilst also having a plan on what to do next. That was the reason I was here. The only reason.

I was stood in front of Tommy’s office. His posh, and lavish, and brand new office, that I had never seen before. I needed answers, more than I had already received, and I thought my best bet at getting them would to come to the great man himself. The leader of this stuck together army. Thomas Shelby. 

And I felt nervous. More nervous than I had ever felt going to see Tommy. Obviously, I had occasional nerves before, when I had to tell him something he would not like, or when I had to face him when my feelings had been at their strongest. But those times felt nothing like now. I was more nervous than I was before going to see Polly a couple of days before, if only because I absolutely no idea what reaction my presence would cause. I always knew in my heart, that Polly would never have turned me away, or had a bad word to say, or looked at me with judgement or resentment in her eyes. I was not sure of that here. Tommy was as predictable as he was unpredictable. One minute you thought you had him all figured out, but then he would completely flip and send his whole family to jail with no explanation. So, I had no idea what waited for me beyond the doors to his office. Especially now, when I had just been told one of the communist ring-leaders, one of the people who had just authorised the strikes in all his factories, had just left his office. Who had any idea on how Tommy was reacting after that? Who had any idea about Tommy?

Trying to steady my nerves, I inhaled a deep breath and stepped forward. My knock on the door was hesitant, but must have been heard, as I immediately heard a voice call out for me to enter, which I quickly did. 

My eyes instantly went to Tommy, sitting at the end of a very long table, smoking a cigarette, leaning over several pieces of paperwork. His eyes did not instantly direct to me. Instead, he spent a few more minutes reading over a piece of paper, whilst I moved through the room and made myself comfy in one of the many chairs on offer. 

When he did finally look up and saw it was me, a look of surprise covered his face for a moment, before it was instantly hidden by his usual look of indifference. 

“Not expecting me?” I asked with smirk, always slightly pleased whenever I managed to catch Tommy off-guard. 

“I don’t expect anything at the moment,” he said plainly, making me raise an eyebrow at his real lack of response. I should have expected it though, Tommy always had a cool response, even when he was unprepared. 

Rather than speaking again straight away, I used my time to pull a cigarette out of my pocket and take me time lighting it. For reason, this actually appeared to interest Tommy, as he leaned forward to speak. 

“I’ve not seen you touch one of those since you’ve been back,” he stated, rather than asked, although his tone gave away his curiosity. I understood why he was curious, I used to smoke as much as him before, more like a chimney than a person when I was at my most stressed. I knew he would not like the reasoning behind my lack of smoking, but I was not going to hide it. 

“Yeah, I’ve cut back. I found the smell…” I paused trying to think of the right way to phrase it, “the smell reminded me too much of what happened. So, I try and not make myself smell like smoke too often. Can’t escape it here though,” I said, hoping Tommy understood I was referring to Birmingham as a whole, and not just his office, or him. He just gave me a nod, not letting me know if he understood or not, but I knew he regretted asking that question. Everyone regretted bringing up topics that brought up what happened to me, as if it hurt them to think about it. I wondered if they ever imagined how I felt whenever something brought it back up, and how long it took me to shove it back down. Probably not. People were selfish. As long as they did not have to think about it anymore was all that mattered. At least, that is what I found with the men who ever brought up. Women could be more empathetic about it. But not always. Some women were just as bad as men, if not worse. 

“What are you doing here?” Tommy asked, snapping me out of my thoughts, making me realise we had been sat in total silence for a few minutes. 

“I want to know what’s going on,” I replied, after another deep breath. 

“You know what’s going.”

“No. I know what you’ve told us. I want to know what’s going on. Everything.”

He did not answer. Like I knew he would. Tommy never gave information away lightly, and in another time, I was lucky enough to be one of the few he confessed everything to. I was not that lucky anymore though. I was another outsider now. He had no idea if he could trust me or not, and he had every right to feel that way, but for now, we were in the same boat again, and needed to know as much information as possible. We were just going to have to temporarily trust each other again. 

“Look, I just want to be prepared. I don’t want to be blind-sided. And I want this whole business over with just as quickly as you do. So, that means you’re going to have to tell me things, and we’re going to have to trust each with things, and you’re going to have to fucking let someone else know enough to help you out,” I explained, letting my voice rise towards the end of my little speech. 

Again, Tommy did not answer. He just took more drags of his cigarette as he looked me over. I was not going to wait around while he sat evaluated whether I was worth trusting again or not.

“Fucking fine,” I grumbled, putting out the cigarette I had barely touched. One drag was enough for me now. I placed my hand against the table and pushed myself into a standing position. I quickly began to make my way to the door, fully intent on leaving and only speaking to Tommy when I had to. Until, I heard a voice from behind me.

“I don’t know what’s going on.” 

Tommy’s words made me pause, with my hand hovering above the door handle. I slowly turned back around to face Tommy, and found him looking down at his papers again. I knew this time he was not reading them though, he just did not want to show me his face. 

“What?” I asked quietly.

“I don’t know what the fuck to do. I don’t know what the fuck is happening anymore. I thought I had some sort grasp on it, but then they came and fucking killed John. They fucking killed my brother in broad daylight, and I have no idea where they came from or where they went next. There’s nothing to let you in on, because I have nothing. I have no fucking clue what’s going on, or how to solve this.”

Tommy’s outburst shocked me. I thought he had it all together, everyone though he had some sort of plan, but he was just as clueless as everyone else. I felt dread clawing its way into my stomach. If Tommy had no clue, we were as good as dead. 

I had no idea what to say to him. I had no words of comfort, or advice. I just could not believe what he was saying. I staggered back to my seat and fell into it, repeating his words over and over in my head. 

Eventually, I found my voice again, “what do we do then?”

“We wait.”

“What?”

“We wait. We wait with our fucking guns, and our fucking ammo, and we wait for a flaw in their plan. And then we wait for our moment to strike back. And then we wait for this all to be done with.”

“Waiting for a flaw is your plan? This is the fucking mafia Tommy, there will be no flaw in their plan. We’re going to be waiting for them to kill us!”

“Well do you have a better plan?” 

That question made me stay silent; because I definitely did not have a better plan, and I had no idea how to come up with a plan. That was Tommy’s job, we just tried our best to execute his plans as best as possible. But I still got up and stormed out of his office, because I would be damned if it did not at least try and think of a better plan. I would be damned if I let Tommy sit back and screw us all over again. Part of me died in that prison cell before, but I would not let that happen again. I wanted no part of me to die this time. 

-

I stormed down the streets of Birmingham, twisting and turning to get back to my old house. The place where I was staying, that I never imagined I would call home again. My mind was racing with plans and possibilities, trying to find something concrete that could even began to form the basis of a coherent plan. 

I was so lost in my head that I barely noticed the fact that I had turned down an alleyway. It was one I used to use often as a shortcut to get back to my house, no matter how many times I was warned not to. It was a route so engrained in my memory, that my body must have unconsciously steered itself towards the familiar path. It was only a shadow that crossed my path that made me take notice. 

A shadow that connected to the body of a man. A man who looked so obviously Italian, I would have laughed if he told me any different. A man who was soon joined my another on the other side of me, effectively blocking me into the alley. A man whose smile soon turned sinister. A man who I knew was here to kill me. 

I felt an unfamiliar feeling of panic begin to grip me. These were the moments where I used to be the calmest, knowing exactly what I needed to do. I used to live for these moments, and I had been anticipating this moment ever since I returned. The moment I could offer some assistance to the war, the moment I could prove I could be trusted, the moment I reminded myself what it felt like to fight, what the rush of killing a man did to me. 

But none of that was happening. I felt frozen. My mind blank. I had no idea what to do. I felt a different kind of adrenaline fill my veins, making me want to take flight instead of staying to fight. I felt it wrap around me until my only thoughts were of trying to get away, rather than trying to exact revenge on these men who could have easily been involved in the shooting that had hurt Michael and killed John. 

Instead of thinking about all the ways I could hurt them, and cause them pain, my thoughts kept circling back to all the ways they could hurt me. They could do anything to me. They had me cornered, it was two against one, it was a clearly uneven match, and anyone could guess who was going to win it. I knew it was going to happen again. These men were going to take me, and do what they wanted with me. It was what powerful men did, they showed their power to anyone who was weaker than them. And if what they did added fuel to the already blazing fire, that was bonus in their book. It all added to the same cause at the end of the day. It all showed who was the more powerful, and that was all they cared about. 

It was going to happen again. 

But, my mind refused to let it happen again. 

And my body refused to let it happen again. 

They had me cornered against the wall. Leering over me like a piece of meat. Looking at me like all men did. Looking at me like those policemen had. They would not be looking for much longer. 

Reaching down beside me, I began to feel along the floor, knowing all matter of things would have been dropped in the alley throughout the years. And when my hand wrapped around something cool and hard and sharp, I knew I had grasped my fighting chance of getting away. 

Even though I now gripped a viable weapon, parts of me still screamed at me to run and not fight back. My thoughts were still blocked by the ideas of what they might to do to me, of how they might hurt me. I could not think straight. So, instead of using any fine-tuned skills I had acquired over the years, instead of being precise and clean in my actions, and making the fight quick and efficient; I did whatever I could to get myself out of the alley. 

In a blind fit of panic I reached my hand out, and began wildly waving whatever weapon I had picked up in the direction of the two men in front of me. Obviously thinking they had caught me off guard, and not expecting a fight back, the two Italians had not brought weapons with them, meaning, my only saving grace was that they could not kill me instantly with a bullet or stab wound. 

The fight was scrappy and messy, nothing like I had gotten used to over the years. I only knew I was hitting the men whenever my movements became blocked, stopping my arms from swinging around further. I tried to keep my arm high, to make sure I got a few hits to their heads in. I could hear them breathing heavily as they tried to restrain me. I felt their grips on my arms tighten as my movements became even more erratic and uncontrollable. And I could not stop the sensation of their blood, as it began to spatter over me from wherever I had hit them. But soon enough, their holds on me slackened, and their breathing became quieter, and no more blood spilled onto me. The fight was over. Even though my vision felt hazy, making the men in front of me a blur, I still saw them fall to the ground. And when neither of them stood up again, I knew it was definitely finished. Meaning I could drop my weapon to the ground again, and continue walking back to my old house. Only now, with hands drenched in blood, and two dead bodies on my conscious.


	8. Changed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! xx

I walked back to my house in a daze. I did not notice if I walked past anyone, if anyone could stop and see my arms covered in blood. Or my body. Or my face. I did not notice if the walk took longer than usual. If there were any obstacles in my way. If there were any more Italians waiting for me. I did not notice anything. 

I could only feel the blood drying against my skin; and how flushed my cheeks had become from the effort I used in fighting; and how much I had hated every last second, I had spent trying to get the men off me. 

I arrived back on my street in no time, my house appearing before me before I had even realised I had left the alleyway. I let myself into the house, and made way into the kitchen, still under the haze I had walked back in. When I first sat down at the kitchen table, for a second, my mind went back to a year ago, when Tommy and I sat at this table together, and I confessed all my feelings to him. After he had saved my life, before I pushed him out of it. But the memory only lasted for a second, before my mind came back to the present.

I pulled my hands onto the table and watched as the heavier patches of blood began to dry and become matte on my skin. I knew there was much more on me than just my hands. I knew my clothes had become soaked, and my face had spatters on it. But I could only focus on my hands; because they had done this. My hands had been the ones to pick up the weapon; my hands had been the ones to violently lash out and smash against the men; _my hands had been the ones that killed them._

I could not get over it. I had never felt like this before. This overwhelming guilt that I could already feel eating me alive. This immense shame at what I had done, making me want to wash myself from the inside out. 

I could not understand it. I had hurt and killed numerous men throughout the years, and I had never felt like this after. There had never been any hesitation, or guilt, or shame. There had only ever been precise movements, and clean executions. But it had been a job before, where it was easier to switch my mentality into ‘business mode’ to get the job done. And I never used to be taken by surprise, because I had been the one surprising. I used to be in control; of the time and the place, of the where and the when. The Italians had taken me by surprise, when I had no time to switch my mind into a different mode, where I had no time to prepare. But, I would be a fool to think that those were the reasons why I was feeling like this. 

I was feeling like this because I was different from before. I had no ‘business mode’ now. That had gone the minute I had left Small Heath and the Shelby’s behind. After not killing, or even hurting, another person in over a year, I had become to see how unnecessary it was. How redundant it had all become, how pointless it all was. Now all of this happening with the mafia, only proved that point. Killing another person had led to this; where our lives were on the line every second; where we were being cornered and attacked whenever we left the house; where every breath I took felt like it could be my last. 

What had been the point of it all? What had we proven? We had tried to better ourselves and had ended back in the place where it had all started anyway. I was back in my grotty little house, in Small Heath, with the same old people lining the streets, and the same old threats hanging over my head; and the same old blood staining my hands. We thought by killing another person, we could improve our lives, but in the end, nothing had really changed. Except me. 

I continued to stare at my hands, and watched as the blood seeped into my skin, into my soul, and marked me. It pressed down on me, until I felt the pressure actually weighing me down. It sunk into me, until I felt their blood begin to mix with my own. Until we were so blended, we became one. Which I was beginning to think we were. We were the same people, fighting for the same cause, for the same reasons, we just happened to be from different families. But, if they had been the ones to kill one of the Shelby’s, you could guarantee this would still be happening, just somewhere else other than Small Heath. It was like a never-ending cycle. After this war was over, the next one would start, and even more lives would be lost. More innocent people would lose their lives, and more bad men would continue to exert their power, and start the next war. 

As I stared blankly at my blood covered hands, I could not help but wonder how I had changed so much over the year. What I was thinking now, was at complete odds to my thoughts from before, where I thought all the fighting would lead to something good, something better. I knew that was not possible now, nothing would ever change around here. We would always circle back around to the same place. My thoughts from only hours ago came rushing back to me, and I began to wonder how much more of myself had died over the year. How much of me was even left anymore?

-

A few days later, I still found myself in a haze, and I knew I was back under the dark cloud I had been trying to escape for the past year. Although, I was not at the point I had reached last year, where I was ready to say goodbye to it all; I could feel I was drawing into myself again. I could feel a darker presence taking over me. I knew I had to stop it, before it engulfed me, and took over my thoughts in a way I never wanted again. But, holding onto my thoughts from the other day, with the realisation of how much I had changed, I was not sure how I was going to keep the darkness at bay. 

So, with that heavy thought in mind, I decided to make my way over to the house Tommy was staying in, to hopefully find Charlie and spend some time with him. I hoped spending time with a child, especially one as innocent and sweet as Charlie, would help hold back the dark presence around me. No one could help bring lightness to life like a child could, and I knew Charlie would be no different. He was one of the people I missed the most whilst I was away. I often spent days wishing I had never left, just so I could spend time with Charlie for another five more minutes. 

After Grace had passed away, and Tommy disappeared into himself, I often found myself spending days at a time with Charlie. As I had experienced the loss of not only my mother, but my father as well, I wanted to spare Charlie as much pain as I had experienced. So, I had spent time trying to distract him from the fact he had lost his mother, and metaphorically, his father, but also giving him the freedom to express his feelings if he wanted to. It had caused a tight bond to form between us, making me all the more sorry the day I left Small Heath, as I never thought I would see Charlie again. But, now I had another chance, I just hoped he remembered me as well as I remembered him; and that he would not mind if I now used him as a distraction from the thoughts swirling around my head. 

When I reached the house, I found Polly was in charge of Charlie for the day, making the process a lot easier for me, not having to deal with Tommy on top of everything else. Polly quickly brushed me off, and sent me up to Charlie, who was playing in his bedroom with the few toys he had brought with him. 

“Hello,” I said gently, knocking on the door as I went in. 

Charlie immediately paused in his playing to look up and see who had dared interrupt him. Much like his father, he did not say anything as I entered, choosing to stare at me instead. As he had inherited his father’s eyes, his stare was almost as intimidating. It was only the innocent look covering the rest of his face that set him apart from his father. 

Even as I made my way through the room, and sat down next to Charlie, he did not say a word. He had either learned this tactic from his father, or he just genuinely did not know what to say. I knew which option I preferred it to be, hoping Charlie had a few years left before he started to turn into his father. 

“Hello Charlie, do you remember me?” I asked just as gently as before, not wanting to scare or pressure him into answering. He had enough of that in his life. 

Instead of verbally answering, Charlie shook his head at me, making a disappointed sigh escape my lips. 

“That’s okay,” I replied, “I remember you. And I remember you used to play with these toys when you were much smaller.” I looked towards the small selection of toy soldiers Charlie had been playing with before I had entered the room, easily being able to picture the same image from years ago, with a much smaller Charlie holding the toys. 

When I looked back to Charlie, I found he was still looking at me quizzically. I guessed he remembered my face from some distant memory, and was trying to place who I was. I let him look for a few minutes, hoping he would remember me in due course. 

I was about to give up and sigh again, when Charlie spoke up, “George?” 

His voice made my eyes fill with tears, that I barely managed to keep in check. I nodded to him, knowing my voice would come out choked if I verbally answered. I had to spent a moment pulling myself together before I could physically speak again.

“That’s right. Georgina really, but you can call me George,” I said, watching as his face lit up the more he thought about who I was. I hoped some memories from our time together before were coming back to him. 

“Do you mind if I play with you for a little while?” I asked, pointing at his toy soldiers. 

Instead of answering, Charlie picked up a little figurine, and pushed it in my direction. I laughed, and guessed that was my signal to start playing. 

-

A few hours later, I was sat on Charlie’s bed with the young boy’s head in my lap as he fell asleep. After we had spent the last few hours playing any game he wanted, he was more than exhausted. So, much like we had done in the past, I allowed Charlie to rest his head in my lap, and let him drift into a small sleep. As a form of comfort, more for myself than for Charlie, I repeatedly ran my hands through his hair. The soothing movement, helped me to relax, probably more than it was helping Charlie to.

I had been correct in my assumption that spending time with Charlie would distract me from my thoughts, only realising in this moment of quiet that I had not thought about what had happened all day. Although, now that I had come to that realisation, the thoughts immediately came rushing back to me. I tried not to let my mood sink after the enjoyable I had had, but I could not help it. With the influx of memories rushing back to me, my mood plummeted back to where it had been before I came to see Charlie. 

I felt my thoughts plummeting even further than before, when they were quickly interrupted by someone else entering the room. My head shot up, to make sure whoever it was, was not a threat, when my eyes connected with a cerulean blue that matched the young boy’s in my lap. I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing it was only Tommy, before my eyes fell back down to Charlie, not wanting to connect with Tommy’s for too long. 

“We haven’t seen you in a few days,” Tommy said, as he came into the room, clearly trying to start up some sort of conversation; knowing we would both allow silence to overtake the room if we could. 

Instead of answering, I continued to stroke my hand through Charlie’s hair. I try not to take my eyes off my own hand movements, not wanting to look at Tommy. I hear Tommy sigh and collapse into the chair opposite the sofa, showing he was already becoming comfortable in my presence again. He never allowed anyone to see how weary and tired he actually was, unless he felt he could completely trust them. I had felt privileged to be one of those people before. To be allowed into his small inner circle of trust. To be one of those who could help ease his stress and exhaustion. Now I felt my own exhaustion outweighed his. 

“We’ve made some progress,” he continued, unperturbed by my silence, “Arthur killed two Italians the other day.” 

Still not taking my eyes off Charlie, I replied, “so did I.”

“What?” I could hear the shock coating Tommy’s voice when he spoke, “when?”

“The other day,” I said calmly, not wanting to show how moved I had been by the whole series of events yet. 

“Jesus Georgie, why didn’t you come and tell anyone?” Tommy asked, slipping into his old nickname for me, from the stress. I felt my heart jump at the name, but quickly pushed the feeling away, hoping it was only muscle memory from the time before. I could not afford to fall back into the same patterns with Tommy, especially not when trying to come to terms with how much I had changed in other aspects of my life. I did not need any old feelings coming to the surface to blur my already distracted mind. 

Instead of answering, I merely shrugged, already knowing any excuse I had would not be good enough for Tommy. He had never been though a crisis like this, killing had always come easily to him, never mind the context of the situation. He would have no sympathy for what I was currently going through, so I would not even try to gain any. 

“Where’ve you been all day?” I asked, knowing he had been trying to make conversation, and wanting to take the limelight off what I had done. I did not need anyone else’s thoughts on the matter. 

“I was out…” Tommy started, before I heard him light up a cigarette for himself, “I went down to the docks, to the place I used to go with…” he paused, not wanting to say the name of his first love, probably thinking I would react harshly to the trip down memory lane. “Someone brought up some things from my past the other day. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I needed to go back… So, Lizzie and I went down there today. I just hope those memories are put back to rest again.”

I was surprised by how much Tommy was telling me. Not wanting it to show on my face, I kept my eyes downcast on Charlie, and replied with a simple, “oh.”

“I promised to change the world once upon a time. Now look at me.”

I had to look up at Tommy’s last emotionally charged sentence, needing to see what emotion was passing along his face. To my further surprise, there was no emotion written on him. Instead, he was staring off into the distance, probably not even realising he was saying these thoughts out loud, and to me. 

“Tommy,” I whispered to him, knowing I needed to break him out of his thoughts. He would not thank himself for saying what he already had out loud, I could not let him go any further.

His head snapped in my direction at the sound of my voice. He looked startled for a moment, before schooling his face into a neutral expression once again.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t be saying all of this to you, what with your…” Tommy said, leaving the word ‘feelings’ hanging in the air. If I did not know any better, I would have said he looked embarrassed, but I doubt Tommy had ever felt that emotion in his life. 

“It’s okay,” I said, looking back down to Charlie, “that’s all in the past now.” But as I kept repeating that statement in my head over and over again, I begin to question how much truth was behind it. Maybe parts of me had not changed as much as I thought.


	9. Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy x

A day later, I found myself propping up the bar in The Garrison. A place I had not found myself in for a long time. I had been trying to spend the day sorting out my thoughts, and trying to come to some form of conclusion about state my mind was now in. I knew I was probably going to have to kill again before the feud with the Italians was over. I just had no clue how I was going to find the power and strength to kill again. After all, it had been two days since I had last killed, and in the past my actions would have truly been forgotten by now; but I could not stop thinking about them now. Going over every action again and again in my mind; remembering the feeling of hammering my weapon into them over and over; remembering the way their blood splattered onto my face and clothes, until the only colour on me was red. 

Although, I had now taken to carrying a knife on me again, I did not know how I was going to ever use it again. The idea of picking up the knife and hurting another person seemed impossible to me at the moment. I had no idea how I was going to survive the coming weeks with the feud with the Italians hanging over our heads, if I could not fathom hurting another person now, never mind ending their lives.

With those thoughts swirling around my mind, I ordered another whiskey from Harry, ignoring the pointed look he sent my way. I knew he was only worried about me, but he had no idea what I was dealing with at the moment. So, when he placed another filled glass down on the bar, I picked it up and moved to table further back in the room. Giving me and my thoughts some time alone. 

-

An hour or so passed by, without me truly noticing. I was still nursing the glass of whiskey Harry had given to me before, needing the burn of the taste, but not the haze drinking too much would put me under. I wanted the alcohol to help me sort through what I was thinking, but I knew I needed to remain coherent enough to remember why I wanted the alcohol in the first place.

I could feel my thoughts start to become all-consuming, as the noise around me started to dim, and the people began to fade; when the double doors to The Garrison, slammed open bouncing against the walls that surrounded them. The entrance commanded attention, which I was grateful for, as it managed to pull me from thoughts that were starting to take an even darker turn than before. 

When I looked up, I was surprised to see the person who made such a grand entrance, was Lizzie. I watched as she made her way through the room. As she strutted her way up to the bar to order herself a drink. As she began to look around the room as she waited. As her sweep of the room caused her eyes to fall on me, making her stutter in her sweeping observations. She held eye contact with me for a moment, forcing me to watch a small smirk tilted the corner of lips upwards. 

When Harry walked back over to her, she quickly turned back to the bar to pick up her drink. Thinking that was the end of our interaction, I started to look away. However, I was instantly proven wrong, as Lizzie kept hold of her drink, turned, and began to make her way further into the room, until she was posed before me at my table. 

“Do you mind if I join?” 

I could not help the raise of my eyebrows at Lizzie’s question. We had never been close before, so I began to wonder why on earth she wanted to sit with me now. But, I nodded my head in acceptance, allowing her to sit down at the table with me. 

“How’ve you been?” Lizzie asked innocently, making me instantly on edge. She never did anything innocently. 

“Alright, I suppose,” I said shrugging. I was actually far from alright, but no part of me wanted to open that discussion with Lizzie, knowing she would judge any weakness I showed her.

“Good,” she replied, before taking a sip of drink, still trying look as innocent as she could. I knew she wanted me to reciprocate her question, but every part of me just wanted her to leave me alone. So, I remained silent, hoping to quell this short meeting as soon as it had started. Although, I knew she would answer the question without any prompt soon enough.

“Well, I’ve been grand,” Lizzie started, ending the silence much sooner than I thought she would, “Tommy took me down to the docks yesterday, said it’s a special place for him.”

I gave her an incredulous look, wondering how on earth she could find power to brag about that. As if she thought that made her special in some way. Everyone knew that the docks held a special place in Tommy’s heart, purely because of who he used to frequently meet down there. But maybe Lizzie did not know this, and actually thought she was being invited to see a secret and sacred part of Tommy. 

That had been the reason we had never gotten along before. She knew I was one of the people Tommy trusted the most, especially after the war. I was one of the few people he allowed to see his vulnerable side, giving me insight to his darkest fears, and a deeper understanding of what made the man tick. Something I knew she was always jealous of. She had always wanted more than sex from Tommy, even when she was engaged to John for a week. She had been desperate to be more than a quick fuck, to be seen as less disposable, for him. And it appeared things had not changed for her. Sat in front of me now, thinking that this form of bragging would affect me in any way. I may have had a surge of familiar feelings for him yesterday, but I had bigger, and more threatening, things to think about than Thomas Shelby. Things _had_ changed for me, but she clearly had not noticed that. Things had also changed in the way Tommy, and the rest of Shelby family treated me, but she clearly had not noticed that either. 

Perhaps she had been so blindsided by my reappearance that she thought everything had picked up from it left off, not being able to sense the deep rift that had formed in my time away. However, even though she could not sense these changes, she was obviously beginning to think things were changing for her in Tommy’s eyes. The idea made me want to laugh, but I settled for rolling my eyes instead. Someone was going to have to tell her that nothing was changing. Tommy was the same old person he used to be. It would take a miracle to change some people. 

Lizzie could also not seem to sense my lack of enthusiasm for her topic of conversation, as she carried on talking, “we spent the day there. He told me things he’s never told anyone.”

I rolled my eyes again, knowing that whatever he had told her, he had probably told Polly and I ten times over, when it had first happened. He used to babble about whatever had happened at the docks for hours on end, boring us to sleep most nights. Lizzie must have caught my last eyeroll, as the smirk fell from her lips, and a more sinister look began to form in her eyes. 

“He was gentle with me, when we were together, gentler than he’s ever been before,” she said, seemingly trying to elude me to the fact that they had had sex. In what other capacity would he have been gentle with her? 

I gave her tight smile as means of reply, actually beginning to feel sorry for her now. It was easy to be blinded by Tommy sometimes, when he gave you a glimpse of possibility, of something more. But you were soon brought back down to earth, when you realised it was just a moment in time. A minute or two that would only remain static in time, never to be carried forward. If she had not learnt that by now though, it was likely she would never learn it. 

“Lizzie,” I said, sighing deeply, trying to think of the best way to phrase what she needed to hear.

“What?” she asked harshly, sitting up straighter, as if to guard herself. Picking up on something in my voice that told her she was not going to like what I had to say. 

“You need to stop this,” I started bluntly, not wanting to fool either of us that this conversation was going to be light in any way. “You fool yourself into thinking he might be different this time. This time, he might fall in love with you. He opened up to you this time, shown you his vulnerable side, that must mean he’s different now. But he never will be. Thomas Shelby has no vulnerable side anymore. This time is just the same as all the other times. He never changes, and he never will. He’ll only ever have room for two women in his heart, and they’re both dead now,” I saw Lizzie’s eyebrows shoot up at my bluntness, as well as the mention of two women, hopefully understanding that he had told someone his secrets and stories before. “Trust me on this, we used to be the same once upon a time Lizzie, I’ve just had my eyes opened now.” 

I saw Lizzie’s face go red at my words, she had not been expecting me to be so honest. I saw her grasp for words for a moment, before blurting out, “yeah well, at least he’s fucked me.” 

I could not stop the unattractive snort that came out of my mouth, “and you think that makes you different? He’s fucked me as well darling, I just wasn’t lying on my back whilst he did it. It was in a different way, but I have been fucked by Thomas Shelby more times than I can count. As have many others. You’re not different Lizzie, and I know you know that, so you need to stop deluding yourself. Forget about him now, focus on yourself.”

Not wanting to see Lizzie’s reaction after I had spoken, I swiftly downed the last dregs of my whiskey. I slammed the glass back onto the table, before standing up with a flourish, and walking out of the bar. 

I paused waiting to hear the doors close behind me. I collapsed onto the wall just to the right of the doors. I let out a deep sigh, as I tilted my head back to lean it against the wall. I closed my eyes against the harshness of the world, and for the first time in a long time I wished I had a packet of cigarettes on me. I definitely needed one after that. 

I gave myself a few minutes to compose myself, by taking a few deep breaths. Eventually, I shook myself out and stood up straight again. I was about to step forward, to make my short journey back home, when my eyes connected with someone else’s, someone staring at me a few paces down the street. I had to squint to make out who it was. But when I did, my heart stopped.

It was one of the policemen from before. One of the ones who had attacked me. And he looked ready to do it again. 

I could not believe this was happening. Here and now. On top of everything that was already happening. 

Even from the distance, I could make out the smirk crossing his face. The sight instantly took me back to the time when I had seen that expression before. I shivered. I hated the thought of what it could mean again now. 

He took a step forward. A step in my direction. And I froze. I could no longer even feel my breath escaping me. He took another hesitated step forward, trying to see if I would stay put or make a run for it. When he saw I did not move, his smirk turned even sinister. And his steps become more assured. At his movement, I could feel the flight instincts from the other day begin to take over again, as the feeling of panic began to flood my mind. He continued walking towards me. 

Either out of instinct, or muscle memory, I began to reach for the knife I had hidden in my coat pocket again. I wrapped my hand around the handle, but decided to keep it concealed in my pocket for a moment longer. 

When he got close enough to reach out for me, I decided to move. I quickly walked around The Garrison, to the alley situated at the back, keeping my hand on my knife the whole time. 

I heard his breathing get heavier as he followed my path, whilst simultaneously getting closer to me. When I stopped I could feel his breath down the back of my shirt. I felt sick. I felt trapped. I felt my grip tighten around my knife. 

He waited a moment, before he reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder. I could feel the pressure he put there, obviously wanting me to turn around and face him. I refused. 

“Turn around,” he said gruffly, having no time for my denial. 

I reluctantly did as I was told. Still keeping my hand around my knife.

“How nice to see you again. Do you remember me?” 

His question made my panic quickly disappear, with a burning anger taking its place. I could feel my nostrils flare, like a dragon, only the fire was churning inside me. How dare he come here and make me feel this way again. How dare he act so calm, and almost, well mannered, when he knew the torment this would cause me. He was such an ignorant bastard. I could not wait to wipe his self-satisfying smirk from his face. 

He thought he was going to get another forced fuck out me. Well he thought wrong. 

In one quick motion, I pulled my knife out of my pocket, and pressed it into the side of his neck. I felt it slice all the way to the hilt, as I watched his eyes widen in surprise. It would have been comical, if I was not so infuriated. 

I kept pressing the knife into his neck, until his knees gave out and he was kneeling in front of me. 

“You know, you do seem familiar to me,” I said, watching as his mouth gaped open and closed like a fish. I knew he wanted to say something, but I had no intention of hearing it. I pulled the knife from his neck, and took a step back as the blood came spurting out in currents. His top half soon became weakened, as he fell forward into a pool of his own blood. 

I stood and watching as the blood continued pouring out of him. It began to stretch further and further, until it reached the tip of my boots, and began to cover it. Watching as the blood then stretched to coat the whole sole of my shoe, I began to come out of my murderous haze. I could hear my own panting breaths in my ears again. And I could feel the way my hands trembled against my sides. And I begin to ask myself; what had I done?


	10. Help Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite dialogue heavy, I hope you still enjoy it x

I had no idea what to do now. I had killed again in the span of 72 hours.

I back away from the ever-expanding pool of blood, until I was out of the alley completely. After taking one more look at the body, I took off in a sprint. I needed to get as far away from the body as I could. 

I had no direction in mind. No idea where I was running to. Until, I ran past the street containing the houses the Shelby’s had temporarily moved back into. Maybe my feet had a better idea than I did about where I was going. Once I had set foot on the street, I knew that was where I needed to go. 

Not stopping to think twice about it, I continued running up the street. I ran about halfway up, until I stopped outside the house I knew contained the one person who would be able to the help me the most. 

With one hand still clutching the knife I had used, I was forced to use the other to bang vigorously on the door in front of me. My first kept pounding and pounding, receiving no answer. My arm began to tire after a minute, forcing me to stop my movements, and lower my arm. I sighed, still hearing no sign of life in the house. This was a spur of the moment decision, I could think of no other options for myself in the moment. 

I took another deep sigh, trying to calm my thoughts enough to think of coherent plan of action. Spinning on my heal, away from the door, I made the decision to go home. 

Hopefully I would think of a better plan on the way. There was a dead body to deal with, and I could not do that on my own.

I managed to take a few steps forward, before I was stopped by the sound of the door opening behind me.

“Georgina?” a voice asked, making me spin back around to face them.

“Thomas,” I sighed, relived that he had finally answered the door. 

Before speaking again, Tommy’s eyes roamed over my body. He had probably guessed from my frantic knocking, that something was wrong. Taking in my appearance would only confirm his thoughts. His eyes lowered to my hand, which still had a unbreakable grip around the handle of the knife. He stared for a minute, taking in the amount of blood on the blade, and the amount that had seeped onto to my hand. 

“What happened?” he asked, bringing his eyes back up to mine. I gulped at the seriousness of his gaze. He looked afraid of what my answer might be. 

I swallowed, and opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

“Was it more Italians?” 

I shook my head in response, which appeared to make him calm down slightly. 

“What happened Georgina?” he asked more softly this time, becoming aware that this situation was more personal to me, and not about the vendetta. 

“A policeman,” I croaked out, unsure why my voice was not co-operating with my thoughts. I wanted to scream what had happened at him, to force him to help me, and fix the problem for me. But, my voice refused to work, refused to answer the questions burning behind his eyes. 

“A policeman?” Tommy repeated, his raised eyebrow showing he had no idea what I was talking about. 

“From before,” I said, “it was one of the ones that… hurt me.”

I waited, and watched, as I finally got my words out, as an ice-cold look glazed over Tommy’s eyes. 

“What?” his question came through gritted teeth. 

I swallowed again, knowing he was not angry at me, but the look in his eyes scaring me nonetheless. I took a few steps closer to Tommy, hoping a closer proximity would keep him calmer. So he would see that I was physically safe with him, and not back there. You were not in their clutches again.

“He was outside The Garrison when I left, looking at me like…” I ducked my head, “like he did before. He walked up to me, and I led him an alley. He touched me and… I felt like I was back there again, and he was going to… So, when I turned, I just, I stabbed him. I stabbed him and waited until the life drained out of him. I waited, and watched, as he died.”

I was not looking at Tommy by the time I finished, more like, looking through him. 

“Georgina,” I heard Tommy’s voice, but when he reached out to touch me, I flinched away from him. 

“Sorry… I didn’t mean…” I started, but couldn’t explain to him what I was feeling, what I was seeing instead of him.

Tommy sighed, and reached forward to me again. I let him touch me this time. “Come inside, Georgina. Come on,” he said, gently pulling me into the house, and shutting the door behind him. 

He lead me to the kitchen, and the situation felt so familiar, I wanted to cry. I held myself together though, and merely waited for further direction from Tommy. Instead of leading me to the table like I thought he would, he lead me over to the kitchen sink. I felt confused at first, wondering why he was placing me here, until he reached down to the hand I still had grasped around my knife. He picked it up, and gently began to pry my fingers from around the handle. He eased the blade from my grip and placed it on the side top, next to the sink, without taking his eyes off mine. He leant forward, to turn the taps on, and I watched as he moved my hand, and placed it under the gentle flow of water. 

Tommy’s thumb brushed back and forth across my hand, helping to clean the blood off. I could not tear my eyes away from the gentle the motion. As the redness of blood mixed, and turned the dregs of water at the bottom sink to a light pink colour. Before I knew it, Tommy ceased his ministrations, having successfully cleaned the blood off my hand. After he turned the taps off, he reached around for dry cloth, and gently patted my hand dry. 

Tommy used the same hand to finally lead me over to his kitchen table. He pulled out a chair for me, and pushed me to sit down. I watched with wide eyes as Tommy rubbed a hand across his forehead, and left the room. I placed my hands on the table in front of me, and took a few deep breaths to keep myself calm as I waited for Tommy to return. 

I did not have to wait long. Tommy strolled back into the room, with two half-full glasses of whiskey in his hand, and the bottle tucked under his arm. He placed the glasses, and the bottle, on the table before he took the seat next to me. He leaned back in his chair, and lit himself a cigarette. 

“I don’t know if you drink anymore; but I figured you would need this.”

After Tommy spoke, I picked up the glass he had placed in front of me. I downed the contents in one go, before slamming the glass back onto the table. I wiped my hand across my mouth before speaking, “I still drink.”

Tommy’s lips quirked slightly at my actions, probably glad to see some of the old me was still inside somewhere. He quickly turned serious again, “sorry about the smoke.”

“It’s okay, it’s just the smell, I know you’re not… them.”

Tommy sighed, and rubbed his hand across his forehead again, “which one of them was it.”

I shrugged, “I don’t know names, just faces. He was one of the worst ones. Probably wanted to try his luck for more.” I had to look down at the table as I spoke, somehow feeling ashamed at the subject topic. As if it was my fault that any of it had happened. But, when Tommy did not say anything after a few minutes, I had to look up, to see if any of his emotions were written across his face. I found nothing clear, but judging by the tight grip he now had around his glass, and the harsh clench of his jaw, I could guess how he was feeling. This time, his anger only made me feel more protected than scared. I knew where his anger was directed, and if any of the men responsible for what had happened to me were in the room, in knew they would not be breathing in it for long. 

However, his outward emotions could only tell me so much. I dreaded to think what he was thinking about. What he was imagining.

“I’m not sure I meant to kill him,” I said, hoping I would begin to distract both of us from our thoughts. 

The clench of Tommy’s jaw eased slightly as he looked back to me. I could easily read the question in his eyes, as he clearly wondered what the hell I was talking about. 

“After killing those Italians the other day, I felt… confused, lost. I hated what I had done so much. It was nothing like before, when I could just kill someone one day, and move on the next. It stayed with me, it’s still with me. I been spending the day trying to figure out what the fuck it all meant. And then I saw him… and god, killing him came so easy, it felt natural, it felt like before,” I paused, trying to make my thought coherent enough to speak out loud. “But then I took a step back, and the feeling came over me again. Like I had done something wrong, like that man didn’t deserve to die. Like, what he did to me, pales in comparison to what I’ve just done to him. And I know if it happened again, I would do the same thing, but the thought makes me feel sick. But I also know, with all this going on with the Italians, I’m going to have be relied upon to kill again. The whole thing just confuses me. I don’t know what to do, or what to think. I need help. Help me.”

I could my breaths coming in shorter, and shorter bursts, as the feeling of panic began to take over my mind again. My right hand rose to claw at my chest, hoping that would help my breathing return to normal. If anything, it only made me panic more, when it did not help in any way. My vision turned hazy. Everywhere I looked had a blur around the edge. 

“George, George,” I could barely make out Tommy’s voice. I could feel that he had moved to kneel next to me, but he sounded so far away. Everything was muffled over the sound of my own breaths. It was exactly how the world had sounded when I had held myself under the water, over a year ago. 

Everything felt so stifled. My fingers began to tingle. My breath came out quicker. Tommy sounded further away. I could see nothing clearly. I felt so trapped. The world was closing in around me. 

“Georgina!” Tommy’s shouted, making his voice sound sharper this time. He grabbed the hand that was still clawing at my chest, helping to bring some of my focus back to the room. 

“Look at me Georgina,” Tommy commanded. My eyes quickly snapped to his. He took the hand he was now holding and placed it on his own chest. I could feel the rise and fall of every inhale and exhale he took. “Breath with me George,” Tommy’s voice come through clearer now. 

I did as he instructed. I began to breath in time with the movement of his chest. Deep breath, after deep breath. Eventually, my senses started to sharpen once again. There was no blur around the edges of my eyes. I could hear Tommy’s deep breaths mixing with my own. 

“That’s it. Just copy me. Keep breathing,” Tommy spoke, lowering his voice as my attention became more fixed on him. As my breathing became more regulated, I closed my eyes, and slumped forward. Tommy was there to catch me. With my hand still pressed against his chest, my head fell forward onto his shoulder. I pushed more and more of my weight onto Tommy as he helped me relax further. 

“Sorry,” I murmured to him, even though I knew I was not going to move from this position.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you,” Tommy replied, as he wrapped his free arm around me, and pulled me further into him. I was practically off my chair at this point, but I did not care. With Tommy’s arm wrapped around me, and my breaths beginning to synch with his, I felt myself not caring much about anything else at all. 

“I’m sorry,” I said after a few minutes. I started to pull away from Tommy, but with his arm wrapped around me, there was only so far I could go. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Tommy whispered back to me, pushing some stray hairs away from my face. 

We stared at each for a couple of minutes, neither of us seeming to know what to say. I gave Tommy an awkward, gentle smile, that he easily returned, before I pushed myself away from him completely. As I moved backwards, back into my chair, Tommy’s arm slowly fell down my back. I tried to hide the goose-bumps that raised on my skin from the sensation. Tommy moved to sit back in his seat, and I sent him another, tight, smile as he did so. 

It still seemed neither of us knew what to say, but the silence was not awkward. In fact, I found the silence more comforting than anything, much like it used to be. As we sat, Tommy reached across the table to pick up the abandoned whiskey bottle. He refilled both ours glasses, before he once again, relaxed back against his chair. 

My panic appeared to have cleared the air somewhat, as I also sat back in my chair, and slowly sipped at my drink. I knew we had things to discuss, more than just the events that had taken place earlier, but for now, I was happy to let the silence settle around us. 

“I’ll make sure it’s taken care of,” Tommy said, after finishing off his drink in one go. He quickly poured himself another one. 

“Thank you,” I whispered gratefully, knowing he was talking about the body I had left behind. I took another sip of my drink, merely as a way to avoid holding eye contact with Tommy. I heard him sigh heavily, making me look at him from the corner of my eye. He had leaned forward again, with his elbows and the table, and ran a hand over his face in distress. 

“I can’t promise you that you won’t have to do it again,” I turned to fully face him at his words, surprised by what he was saying, “but I promise to do my best to keep you away from it.”

“What?” I had to ask, slightly unsure about what he meant. I had hope about what he was implying, but I needed him to confirm it before I could truly relax.

“You don’t want to kill again, so I’ll do whatever I can to make sure you don’t.”

“Oh Tommy,” I said, not hiding the rush of emotion that came into my voice. I could not help the tears that began to line my eyes, so moved by his thoughtfulness. I wished I was not as surprised as I was, but this was Thomas Shelby. It had become so rare for him to do something kind for someone else, that I had thought he was completely cut off from the idea altogether. 

“I also wanted to tell you,” Tommy paused to take a deep breath, “Polly and I have a plan.”

“A plan?” 

“A plan for Changretta.”

“Oh,” the small exclamation was all I could reply with. I had no idea our conversation would lead down this path, but I should not be surprised, business was never far from Tommy’s mind.

“It’s all Polly really,” Tommy said, instinctively reaching for another cigarette in his coat. 

I just nodded along, unsure what to say. 

“She’s convinced Changretta that she’s siding with them. She’s going to lure me into a trap, which is actually us luring them into one…” Tommy took a long drag of his cigarette, “we’re going to bring them into Small Heath, and I’m not going to stop until every last one of them is dead.”

“Tommy…”

“No,” Tommy’s stern tone surprised me. I had not heard it since I had been back. The passion behind it did not go amiss, making my heart constrict. I never thought I would hear Tommy speak passionately about anything ever again. “Enough is enough. They’ve been here too long already, and I am tired of looking over my shoulder whenever I leave this house. And what you said has made me more determined. You don’t want to kill anyone again, and if it all works out as it should, you won’t have to.”

My mouth hung open at his words, at the fire behind his eyes. This was a Tommy I had known long ago. The Tommy who would rather fight against those threatening to hurt his family, rather than sit back to plan and plot an intricate revenge plot. This is the Tommy I had missed. This is the Tommy I had fallen for, all those years ago. This re-appearance sent a rush of conflicting emotions through me. I tried to swallow them back, and concentrate on the current conversation. Now was not the time for unwanted emotions. 

“When is all of this happening?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” I was shocked at the quick turnaround of the plan, considering he did not have any hint of one a few days ago. Although, knowing Tommy, the plan would have been set into motion by then. He only deemed me worthy enough to know now though. 

A stern nod was the only response I received, easily silencing any reservations I wanted to throw at him. I forced myself to remain tight-lipped, and to trust in Tommy’s plan. I did not know how long that would last though, considering what happened last time I trusted in a plan of Tommy’s. We were all still paying the price for that.


	11. Never Learn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy. Much love to you all x

I listened as the door shut softly behind me, still not knowing which direction to head off in. Instinct had brought me to Tommy’s house instead of own; a part of me still reliant upon him to solve my problems and ease my worries. Even now that I had seen him, and talked to him, my mind was still not at ease. I was not ready to go home and face those thoughts on my own. 

With that in mind, I began to wonder up the street, towards a building I had once spent so much of time in. A place that I had once viewed as a second home, a place of safety and comfort for me. I had not been there since I had come back; too afraid that the feelings I had once held for the building may have changed. It was one of the places I had been able to remember fondly during my time away, I did not want that to become tainted in any way. It was the only place I could think of to go now though, with the hope that someone else I could talk to would still be there. 

I quickly arrived at the former, and newly reinstated, offices for Shelby Company Limited. 

Not much had changed from the outside. Still disguised by the outer exterior of it being a house, no one could guess what happened inside on a daily basis. It had all started from here. The betting, the money, the ‘business’, it all originated from this building. It was undeniably one of the reasons we were here right now. But, I could feel no resentment towards it. It had been the place where some of my best had been forged. It had been the place where I had learnt so many things. It had been the place where I fell in love for the first time. 

With a deep sigh, I pressed against the handle to the front door. To my surprise, it gave way, allowing me easy access the building. Rather than worrying about the consequences of the door still being left unlocked at this time of night, I made my way into the office. A light, to the right of me, caught my attention, pulling me towards it. It was emanating from the cash office, giving me a good idea of who was still here, working at this hour. Polly.

“What on earth are you still doing here?” I asked, coming to stop just outside the open door into the more secluded area of the office. 

“Working,” Polly did not look up as she replied, choosing to focus on writing her notes instead.

“I can see that,” I mumbled, deciding to walk further into the room. I took a seat on the opposite side of Polly’s desk. I watched Polly as she worked, but did say anything more. 

Barely even a week ago, Polly had still been cursing Tommy to high heaven. Yet, here she was working late into the night for him. Sometimes he still surprised me with the power he had over people, especially his family. 

“Are you going to stare at me all night?” Polly’s voice startled me slightly, I was not expecting her to speak anytime soon. She still did not look up from her writing. 

“Are you going to not look at me all night?” 

My question made Polly pause. She looked at me through her eyelashes, and raised her eyebrows, but she still did not place her pen down. I sighed, but took what she gave me. Polly quickly got back to her notes

“How’s Michael?”

“As well as he can be. Going mad stuck in that hospital.”

“I can imagine,” I saw Polly’s lips quirk slightly at my mumbled reply.

We fell into an easier silence this time, but I had to gear myself up for what I was going to ask next.

“Does he know about the plan?” 

I saw Polly visibly stiffen and pause in her writing. She did not look up from her page, but her pen only hovered over the page beneath. I had her full attention.

“What plan?”

“Your plan. The plan. To lure Changretta into the stranglehold of Small Heath, so Tommy can kill as many of them as he can.”

Polly did not answer. She stayed completely still for a moment, presumably trying to think of an answer for me. She would probably try and deflect the situation, even though it was clear I knew all about what her and Tommy had planned. Finally, Polly began to straighten up, to fully face me in her chair. She capped the pen she had been using, and clasped her hands in front her, on the desk.

“No, Michael doesn’t know about that plan. I thought no one was going to know about that plan.”

This time, I did not answer her. I heard the questioning tone in her voice, wondering how on earth I knew about the plans. If she wanted an answer to that, she was going to be straightforward about it.

“How do you know?”

“Tommy told me.”

“Tommy told you?” I could hear the disbelief in Polly’s question.

“Yes. Tommy just told me.”

A slow smirk began to form on Polly’s face, which was not the reaction I was expecting. 

“What?” I asked, trying to hide the insecurity I felt.

“Nothing, it’s just… some things never change do they?”

I stayed silent, not wanting anything I said to come across wrong. Not wanting her to mistake one feeling for another. My silence only made Polly’s smirk wider.

“I suppose you know about him and Lizzie?”

I let out a small laugh, “’course I fucking do, she came bragging into The Garrison, as usual.”

“I read her leaves the other day. Most of them didn’t look great, but there were some…” Polly’s pause put me on edge. I saw her trying to read my face before she spoke again. She sighed, not finding what she wanted, but spoke anyway, “she might be pregnant.”

“Jesus Christ,” I said, not being able to stop the exclamation from escaping my lips. After that, I clenched my jaw so tight to stop myself from saying anything else. 

“It’s only a might, the leaves weren’t that clear.”

I knew she wanted me to say something to her, as she sat with an expectant look on her face. But I stayed silent.

“Do you know about this other woman? Jessie something?” 

“No,” I answered through clenched teeth. I had heard the name Jessie being banded around last week, but I did not realise she had anything to do with Tommy, or anything else that was happening around here. 

“Something to do with the communists, and their strikes,” Polly explained. 

I did not know what she wanted me to say, or why she was telling me this in the first place. Did she want me to be angry, or surprised? Did she want me to breakdown in tears, like I had done in the past? I knew who Tommy was. I knew he liked any female with a pulse. I was just disappointed in myself for letting my old feelings in earlier. Clearly letting myself feel anything other than neutral towards Tommy was dangerous. He had probably comforted me earlier to try and get me on side again, so he could use me in some way. Probably how he was using this Jessie woman, and how he was using Lizzie again. I had almost allowed myself to be drawn back in. Thank God I had come here first. 

“Good for her,” I said, trying to keep my expression as neutral as possible. 

“I reckon the leaves wouldn’t look too good for her either though. Probably get a similar reading to Lizzie.”

Again, I did not know what she wanted me to say, so I remained silent.

“There’s going to be heartbreak in their futures, now that Tommy is finally waking up.”

I could feel my brow furrow at her words, more confused than ever about what she was talking about. First, she wanted me to know about the women in Tommy’s life, but now she wanted me to know they were probably going to get their hearts broken by him. I could have guessed that anyway. There were not many women around here whose heart had not been broken by Tommy.

“Did Tommy tell you the plan by himself? Without prompt?”

“Yes,” I answered hesitantly. 

“Well, like I said before, some things never change,” Polly must have seen the confusion on my face, causing her to elaborate, “you were always his closest confidant, even after Grace came along. There’s always been something between you.” 

“Polly…”

“No. I know you thought it was unreciprocated, but men have been blinded by their cocks for centuries. It doesn’t mean he didn’t feel the same.”

“Are you joking?” I could feel anger growing in me, creeping into my voice, “You’re telling me, after all this time, Tommy really felt the same way towards me, as I did to him?”

“I think this past year has made Tommy realise some things, and everything now with the Italians is putting it into perspective for him.”

“Polly,” I said gently, “I love you, but you do talk some shit sometimes. If Tommy felt one ounce of what I feel for him, I wouldn’t be in the state I am now.”

“Feel?”

“Felt,” I corrected quickly, angry at my slip of the tongue. 

“I know it sounds ridiculous, but I know my nephew. I know him better than he knows himself sometimes. And I know how he feels, how he has always felt towards you. He just didn’t want to fuck everything up with you.”

“Well, he did a great job of that, didn’t he?”

Polly sighed, and rolled her eyes, perhaps she had not expected me to put up this much of a fight. “I know what he did was stupid, but he thought he was doing what was best for us.”

“Fucking hell Pol’! You’ve changed your tune. You didn’t want to be in the same room as Tommy last week, and now you’re singing his praises.”

“I’m hardly doing that. I just understand why he did what he did now.”

“Oh really? Can you explain it to me then? Cause no matter what, I would never put my family, my so-called closest confidant, in the situation Tommy put us all in.”

“Georgina…”

“What he put us through was unforgivable Polly! I thought you understood that?” I stood up as I spoke, my anger forcing me to move around, “or now that you’ve got your money in your back pocket, has all that changed?”

“That’s not fair.”

“No, what’s not fair is that you now know what it’s like to have a noose around your neck. What’s not fair is that John’s dead, and Michael’s in hospital. What’s not fair is that I can still barely sleep through the night without having nightmares about what happened to me. And what’s not fair is that Tommy’s going to get away with it all again; just because he’s come up with a plan to help us in this newest pile of shit,” I spat my words at Polly, feeling myself become more and more pent up with the anger. Tommy always brought my strongest emotions out of me.

“He’s not getting away with anything.”

“Oh really? Then what are you doing here? Back in his pocket again, along with the rest of them. God…” I felt so angry, I could feel tears bubbling to the surface, “I’m the same. Getting drawn back into him, with barely a sincere apology. He always does this! He always gets away with it. We brush what he does under the carpet, because it’s Tommy, and he must be doing what he’s doing for the good of the family, or for the good of the company. Tell me, what about what happened was good for the family or the company? The only reason we’re back together now is because we’ve all been threatened. If the Italians hadn’t come into the picture, god knows when we would have seen each other again.”

“Georgina…”

“And you’re right, I still feel the same fucking way towards him. After everything that’s happened, I can still feel myself trusting him, and loving him. It makes me sick. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t feel half the things I do today. I wouldn’t live looking over my shoulder; I wouldn’t feel terrified whenever a man looks at me twice; I wouldn’t be killing police officers in the middle of the street.”

I stopped to catch my breath, my anger taking over me. I could see Polly was stunned by what I said, but it was all true. I did feel the same way I always had towards Tommy, but it was mixed with a certain level of disgust at myself. How could I still hold these feelings towards the man who had been responsible for so much damage in my life. He was the reason I had been raped. He was the reason I had been destroyed. 

“I know what he’s done,” Polly started as I sat down again, “and we should never forgive him for it. But he’s family, and sometimes what’s best, is to let what happened in the past, stay in the past. We can never forget what happened, but we have to move on.”

“You almost died Polly. You were a ropes pull away from hanging.”

“I know, and I think about that every day. A different person came out of that noose, an angrier person, a more hateful person, a vengeful person. I’ve come up with a million and one different ways to punish Tommy for what he did, and maybe one day, I’ll act on a few. But for now, in order to survive, in order for us all to carry on living, I know we need to stick together, and try to move on from what happened. We don’t have to forgive, and we don’t have to forget, we just have to move past it, and not let it continue to consume us.”

Polly made sense, I knew that. What she said was rational, and not out of the question. But I could not allow myself to agree. Everything that happened was too extreme to move past, it had changed me in unimaginable ways, but had not appeared to change Tommy at all. It was not fair. Everyone was so willing to ‘move on’, because thought they knew Tommy, and knew his reasons. But he would do this over and over again if everyone kept forgiving him. He would never learn. 

Running to him earlier had been a mistake. Even though it had been out of habit, and instinct, I should not have knocked on his door. I should not have confessed my feelings to him, and told him my worries. Now he probably thought he had power over me again, that he had me back on side again. And he almost did. I had been so close to giving him that power again, of letting my feelings for him control my actions, rather than my common sense. 

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my thoughts. I was taken back to the earlier part of our conversation, “why did you want me to know about Jessie and Lizzie earlier? If you want me to move past what happened, why did you bring them up?”

“I wanted to see your reaction, to see if you would react like you used to when other women were brought up in the same sentence as Tommy.”

I did not answer, but raised my eyebrows in silent question.

“It wasn’t quiet as obvious as it used to be, but it was there. That underlying jealously, that insecurity you’ve always had when it came to him.”

“Great,” I replied coldly.

Polly sighed, “I needed to see if you still cared for him, underneath the front you put on. He needs you now, we need you now. He’ll need you tomorrow, and he’ll need you for however long this feud lasts for.”

“And then what? He can toss me aside again? Move onto the next woman, the next scheme, having gotten away with the last?”

“It won’t be like that this time, trust me.”

“Oh, trust _me_ , it definitely won’t be like that this time. He can need whatever the fuck he wants, he’s not getting it from me. Not anymore.” There was a steely determination in my voice, but I had to question it. Now she had mentioned it, I had to wonder if my anger came from a genuine place, or had everything I had said stemmed from jealously. If it was the latter, I was no better than anyone else around here, getting sucked back into the same patterns as before. Everything I had said was true, but was it honestly how I felt? Just over an hour had passed since I had seen Tommy, and I had not felt that anger then. Maybe deep down I had not learnt anything either. Maybe my heart would always rule my head, no matter how destructible the actions towards me had been. Maybe Tommy would always hold some kind of unconscious power of me.


	12. Tommy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I'd try something different for this chapter, so it's coming from Tommy's point of view. I'm not sure if it's as good as the others, but I hope you still enjoy! Much love to you all x

-Tommy POV-

I could feel the tightness of adrenaline cooling through my veins. There was nothing like the feeling of holding, controlling, a gun, especially when you aimed it towards your enemies. I had almost forgotten what that had felt like. The rush of watching as your enemy fell could not be described, and I was a feeling that could not be replicated by anything else. I had lived on that rush for so many years. The past year had been a blur without it. 

Although I had missed it, I was also beginning to understand what Georgina had said the other day. Watching as the life drained out of someone else’s eyes was not an easy thing to witness. It destroys parts of you. But if you do it for so long, there’s nothing left to destroy. Georgina was not like me though, there were so many parts of her left that could be destroyed. Parts that she had probably built up again in her year apart from us. Parts I would do my best to keep intact. Nothing like before would ever happen to her again. I would make sure of it. 

I knew the police had surrounded me. The white noise of their shouting making their presence apparent. What they were actually yelling at me was blocked out, with the sounds of gun fire still reverberating around my mind. I stared straight ahead, breathing deeply, trying to focus my mind I tried to force myself to hear what they were saying. Tried to bring myself back into the moment. 

It didn’t work. 

I could barely even feel it, as the police pounced on me. As their fists repeatedly collided with my stomach, and then my face, as if they were attacking me as some form of defence. As if I had not been stood completely still, trying to connect my mind with my body once again. As if I was about to do the same to them, as I had done to the Italians. They clearly had no idea who I was. If I had wanted to do the same to them, it would already be done. 

“That’s enough,” I heard shouted from above me. I easily recognised the heavy tones of Moss, and was almost thankful for his arrival. The men that were on top me, quickly got off at the command. They took a few steps away, giving me room to stand on my own. Their punches had brought my mind back into focus, causing me to wince as I stood. I could easily feel bruises forming along the right side of my body, making the tightness I still felt come from something other than adrenaline. 

I stared at Moss as I stood. I could see his lips moving, but the sound of his voice was faint. I tried not to give my emotions away. Schooling my face into a blank expression, I continued staring at Moss, until his lips stopped moving. 

I did not care what Moss had said or not, so when his lips stopped moving, I began to walk away. There was only one place my mind wanted to be right now, and my stride made sure no one would stop me. 

-

The walk to Georgina’s was quicker than I thought it would be. I turned onto her street before I could recognise I had moved that far. I could already feel myself beginning to relax, knowing I was in close proximity to the one person who always knew who to calm me in the past. She never even had to do anything, just being in her presence used to make the itch to carry on killing go away. I hoped it would still be the same now. 

Even though we had not spent much time together since she had come back, being in Georgina’s presence had left an impact on me. I wished it was her I had taken to the docks the other day. She was who I really needed there, not Lizzie. But I knew I could not ask that of her anymore, I did not deserve the right to ask anything of her anymore. I just hoped she would see this as a repayment of the other day; where my body had subconsciously carried me to her, like her with me the other day. Even if my decision to come here had been an entirely conscious decision of mine. 

Losing the last drops of adrenaline, I staggered up to Georgina’s door. I knocked on the door over and over again, leaning the rest of my body to the left of the door, and waited.   
Eventually, the door swung open, revealing Georgina, and almost making me fall into the house. I quickly recovered, straightening up to face Georgina.

“What are you doing here?” Georgina asked, in a tone much harsher than I was expecting. I knew we were not on great terms, but I thought after the other day, some of the ice had been thawed.

“I needed to see you.”

“Why?”

Unsure on how to answer her question myself, and still put off by her tone, I avoided her question and asked one of my own, “can I come in?”

Georgina paused at my question. I watched as her jaw tightened in irritation as she thought. After a moment, she stepped away from the doorstep, pulling the door more open as she moved. I followed her inside, taking it as my cue to do so. As I entered, I heard her sigh heavily and slam the door closed behind me. 

“Come through,” Georgina said, walking ahead of me. 

I followed her through to the kitchen. I had to pause for a moment as we crossed the threshold into the room. I had been in here a few times since last year, but I was taken back to the time I found Georgina every time I entered. My heart skipped a beat each time I came in, being forced to remember the moment I pulled Georgina out of the bath. I still had flashbacks of that time. Sometimes the memory came back more vivid than any other, the picture of Georgina underwater more crystal clear than anything else I could remember. The way her body had been so limp when I first pulled her out, the vacant look in her eyes when she had first opened them, and the way it had turned into utter disdain when she recognised who had pulled her out. They were moments I was unable to forget. 

Shaking my head, I snapped myself out of the memory, and tried to focus on the room around me. Tried to focus on the present-day Georgina, rather than remembering the one I had almost lost, due to my own stupidity. 

I watched as Georgina moved to the other side of the room, opening up a cabinet and reaching inside. Before she turned back around, I took a seat at the kitchen table, and went to light a cigarette. I stopped myself as I touched my packet, remembering how the smell made Georgina react. Even though she said it did not bother her last time, I knew the memory it reminded her of, and I was determined to no longer be the one who reminded her of what happened. She was probably reminded of the incident every time she looked at me anyway. 

Georgina slammed her cabinet cupboard closed, grabbing my attention. She strode back over the table, carrying two glasses and bottle in her hand. She slammed all three objects onto the table when she it, before pouring whatever was in the bottle into the two glasses. She pushed one the glasses over to me, without looking up, and picked up the other for herself. She took the seat opposite me, as she slowly began to sip from her glass. It would have been downed in an instant before, I guess she had less tolerance now.

“Are you angry with me?” I asked, genuinely curious, although I hid the emotion from my voice.

“What gave you that impression?” Georgina asked back, still refusing to look at me. 

I took a sip of my drink before answering. “Well, the fact that you’ve barely looked at me since I came in was a clue. So was the slamming.”

I saw Georgina stiffen at my answer, as she finished her drink in one gulp. She slammed her glass back on the table, only emphasising my point. I watched as, instead of refilling her glass, she began to spin it in circles on the table top. We both began to watch the glass, becoming mesmerised with its movements, the way she was controlling it, neither of us wanting to speak first. 

“How did it go this morning?” Georgina asked, breaking the silence, still spinning her glass.

“Do you really care?” I asked, her monotone voice, begging the question. 

“Of course I do,” she replied, in the same voice, not bothering to hide her lack of enthusiasm. 

I began to wonder what had happened between the time she left my house yesterday to now. Surely one night’s sleep was not enough for her to become so cold to me again. I knew it would take time between us, but we had been making progress recently. Her turning up on my doorstep after the events of yesterday were enough to prove that. Even if it was an unconscious move on her part, she had not come to me in over a year, she had been nowhere near the city in lived in for over a year, so I saw it as progress. Maybe I was wrong.   
Choosing to ignore the fact that I knew she did not care, I answered her original question, “it went as well as I could have hoped. Killed most them. Only Changretta got away, and whoever he didn’t have with him.”

“Good. That’s… good.”

It _was_ good, but the tone of her voice did not help me to believe it was. Georgina stopped spinning the glass, but continued to stare at it, as I continued to look at her. I had no idea what to say. I had no way of knowing what was making her upset with me, so I had no idea how to make it better. Not that I would be able to do that anyway, I usually made things worse. So, I stayed silent, hoping she would crack first, and give me some sign of what to do.

“Why are you here Thomas?” I sighed at her question. We were back to Thomas now. The barrier had been put back into place. I suppose I should not expect anything less. She came to me yesterday because of a rare moment of weakness. There was no progress to be made. Progress was probably not even possible for us now. 

“I didn’t know where else to go,” I replied earnestly, hoping she would believe me. But based on the huffed laugh she let out after I had spoken, I doubt she did. 

“Really? You couldn’t have gone to Lizzie’s? Or Jessie’s? Or May’s? I heard she came to see you the other day. After you had fucked Lizzie again, of course.”

Georgina finally turned to look at me as she spoke, showing me of glimpse of the fire in her eyes. I tried to hold back a smirk. She was jealous. Of course. It was sadistic of me, but I had missed seeing that emotion from her. I missed seeing any emotion apart from anger, and hurt, from her though.

“What?” she asked harshly, obviously being able to see the smirk trying to tilt the corner of my lips upwards. 

“Nothing. I just never would have guessed you were angry at me because you were jealous.”

I saw the fire in her eyes turn up a notch at my words. Good. I needed to feel fire from her. I needed to see her burning white hot. It reminded me of the times before. Before she thought of herself as a broken woman. Before she thought she could not protect herself. Before she thought she could not trust me. And she needed it too. She needed to see she was still strong. That she could take on any man who came for her. She could defend and protect herself. She did it the other day, she did it yesterday, she would do it now. 

“Jealous? You think I’m like this because I’m jealous?” she asked, rage seeping into her tone. 

“It explains a lot.”

“You’re unbelievable.”

Now, I let the smirk pull up the corners of my mouth, “am I wrong though?”

I saw Georgina’s nostrils flare at my words, clearly angry, but she did not refute my question. In fact, her anger only confirmed my assumption. Which in turn, gave me hope. If she still got jealous at the idea of other women in my life, close to me, it meant she still held some feelings other than anger towards me. 

“What if I am?” Georgina asked, quieter than before.

“What?”

“What if I am jealous. It wouldn’t do anything, it wouldn’t make a difference to anyone. It never did.”

“Georgina…”

“No. You know as well as I do what it was like before… Fucking hell, everyone knew what it was like before. I was like some lovesick puppy everyone pitied. And every time I got jealous it only seemed to spur you on even more. But it’s not like before, and it never will be. So, what if I have some residual feelings left for you? And so what if they still make me jealous that you’ll still choose every other woman over me? It’s not going to change anything. So, let’s just forget about it, and carry on as normal. Or, at least try to carry on as we were.” 

“Well I would, but you refused to look at me when I came here, so we clearly can’t carry on as we were.”

“It’s not like I’ve been looking at you much anyway.”

“You did the other night.”

“That was different.”

“Was it?” my question made Georgina look away from me again, making me instantly regret asking it. A tense silence took over the room. 

“I don’t want to feel this way,” Georgina said, being the one to break the silence again. “I don’t want to be jealous. I don’t want to have any feelings towards you what-so-ever. But I can’t help it. You can’t just stop loving someone overnight. I can’t stop loving them after a fucking whole year. I can’t even stop loving you after everything you’ve put me through. I loved you for so long, it’s like you’re a part of me now. And I can’t get rid of that part… no matter how much I try.”

The small part of my heart that I had left, broke at Georgina’s words. I knew everything that had happened was my fault. I knew it. But hearing her say it out loud did not get any easier. What made it even harder was knowing that if I had to do it all over again, I would. I would follow the same sequence of events as last year, every time I was asked, because I knew it was the right thing to have happened. It needed to have happened, to get everything back into place again. And it needed to have happened, because I was a selfish man. Everyone knew it. I was so selfish, that even though I knew I did not deserve Georgina’s love in any way, I still craved it. 

The whole year she had been away, I had craved her. She was the one person I knew I could rely on, because I knew how she felt about me. I knew it was selfish. I had always used her feelings towards me, to my advantage. Like I had done with every other woman in my life. But it was not until she left, until she disappeared with no trace, that I realised how much I needed her, and her feelings in my life. They kept me going. They sustained me. Because after everything, she had always been there, and she had always been loving me. No matter what I had done. No matter how many people I killed, or how many other women I slept with, she had always been there at the end of it. Keeping me going. If she could still find it in her to keep loving me, I must not be such a bad person. There must have been something in me that was good, something that was worth loving. 

But after that I had done last year. To my family. To her. I knew there was nothing in me that was good. There was nothing that was worth loving. But I still needed her to. I needed her to keep loving me. I was a selfish man. I was the reason everyone was currently under threat. I was the reason the family had become so estranged. I was the reason Georgina had been irrevocably hurt. But I still wanted, I still needed, her to love me in some way. It was all I had. Something Polly said to me the other day stuck out in my mind. I had to gain her trust again, to prove her love meant something. Because after our year apart I knew I needed her in my life. Because she was not the only one with feelings. Because maybe the love she felt was not one-sided any more.


	13. Why Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back to Georgina's point of view now, but thanks to the amazingly positive feedback on the last chapter, we might revisit Tommy's point of view in another few chapters time!   
> I'm not terribly happy with this chapter, and I think it's the shortest one yet, but I hope you enjoy nonetheless.  
> And I just want to say a massive thank you, to everyone who has bookmarked, commented, and kudosed this story, it truly means so much to me, and gives me so much confidence to continue writing. Much love to you all! x

I could feel Tommy’s eyes on me from across the table. I refused to look back at him though. After confessing my feelings to him, once again, I refused to let him see the clear emotion I knew was in my eyes. I needed a moment to myself, to put my guard back up, to push the lingering tears away. I needed to be strong now. I needed him to see that even if I still had feelings for him, they would not make the same person I was before. My feelings would not make me fall at his feet again. My feelings would not cloud my judgement towards him again. I could see him for what he was now. Feelings made no difference to him. He did not have feelings of his own, so the feelings of others made no difference to him. 

“I’m sorry,” Tommy mumbled. 

My head snapped up at his apology, finding him looking away from me now. He almost looked bashful. But I knew better. This apology would be another half-hearted way of his to try and manipulate my feelings. I would not fall for it again. Another pathetic apology would make no difference to me anymore. 

I stayed silent, needing to see if he would elaborate. If he did not, I would know it was fake. But even if he did, I would have issues believing it’s sincerity. 

“I know it’s not enough. I know you probably won’t believe me. And I know it’s probably too late...”

“…Thomas…” I tried to speak, but I could not think of anything to say in response.

“…But I am. I’m so sorry for everything. For everything I did, and everything that happened to you. I’m so sorry.”

After Tommy finished speaking, he stood. He walked slowly around the table, making sure to hold eye contact with me the whole way. He stopped moving when he ended up stationed to the side of me, causing our eyes to break contact. I turned to look up at him. To stare at him for a moment. He began to crouch down, until he was kneeling next to me. Until I was looking down on him.

“I don’t believe you. And I wish I could,” as I spoke I could hear my voice crack with emotion, but I pushed on, needing to get my words out. “I wish I could believe what you’re saying is sincere, and not some new ploy to try and manipulate me. I wish I could trust you again, and believe in you again. I wish, whenever I was around you, whenever I smelled the tobacco clinging to you, that I wasn’t reminded of the worst time in my life. And I wish every time I looked at you, my first emotion wasn’t fear. Fear of what you might do next. Fear of who you might hurt next. Fear of how you might hurt me again.”

“I’m so sorry Georgie,” Tommy whispered. For the first time, in a long time, I could hear the emotion clinging to his words. My heart clenched at the feeling Tommy was showing, and more tears filled my eyes. 

“I wish I could believe you…” I whispered back. As I took my next breath, I leaned forward until my forehead was pressed tightly against Tommy’s. “More than anything, I wish we could go back to the way we were before. When everything felt easier, and you hadn’t hurt me. When we could always be this close to each other… But we can’t, and we can’t be the same people we were before. Nothing will ever be the way it was before. I don’t know if we’ll ever reach a stage where I’ll be able to accept an apology from you. I don’t know I we’ll ever reach a stage where I believe anything you say again.”

“Georgina,” Tommy said, placing his hands on either side of my face, holding me to him. His hands curved around, until they almost joined together on the back of my neck. He gently ran his thumbs along the edge of my jaw, offering me comfort whether he knew or not. Tommy’s eyes closed as he took a deep breath in, and continued to hold my head pressed against his. His grip got slightly tighter against my neck. “You’ll believe me again one day. I’ll make sure you do. You have to.”

I stared at Tommy’s closed eyes, trying and failing to hold my tears back. “Tommy…” I whispered, as a couple of tears finally escaped my eyes.

Before I could utter another word, Tommy stopped me. He pressed his lips softly to mine, and held them there. I was taken aback, not expecting this move from him. I tensed for a second, having no idea what to do. But then my mind registered what was happening, and my muscle memory took over. My lips began to press back. At the pressure against his lips, Tommy’s hold on my head tightened further, trying to keep his lips pressed against mine for as long as possible. 

Not able to hold our breath for very long, we both had to pull back after a second. Tommy’s grip on me made sure I did not move too far away from him though. And his close proximity began to distract me. My eyes fell to his lips, as his eyes still remained shut. 

After a moment of contemplation, ignoring all the risks involved, I moved back in. I pressed my lips against Tommy’s again. My eyes closed at the sensation this time, allowing the kiss to become much deeper than before. My hands settled on Tommy’s biceps, my fingers becoming as tight as his, making sure he did not move away from me. 

Each time we had to pull away for breath, one of us moved in again quickly. Quicker than before. Quicker each time. Until it become one long, continuous kiss, that neither of us was willing to end. Neither of us willing to pause anymore. Not even for a breath.

My hands slowly moved upwards, as Tommy’s slowly moved downwards. My fingers ended up tangled in his hair, as his fell to my waist. He pulled me closer. Pulled me off my chair. Pulled me into his lap. Until it felt like we were had become one entwined being. If someone were to walk in, it would be hard to tell where Tommy ended and I began. We were one. We had not been one for a long time. And when we had been, it had never been like this. 

We continued kissing. And kissing. Until our lips were sore and our breaths were short. I think we were both afraid to stop, because neither of us knew when we would become this close again. If we ever could again. We were one for now. But I knew it would be a while before we were one again. 

-

Every time I closed my eyes, I could still feel Tommy’s lips on mine. The feel of his skin against mine. The feel of his heartbeat under my palm. And it was extremely distracting. It was so distracting that every time I opened my eyes, I expected to see Tommy sat in front of me again, eagerly waiting for the next press of our lips. Instead, I was faced with the four walls of The Garrison, and the few men that were coming in and out. 

Waking up this morning, I had begun to dread the day that faced me. With no new plan for the Italians being revealed to me, all that was left for me was the possibility of staying home and sitting inside all day. I knew I could not that. I would drive myself mad. It would have forced me to face the room everything happened in last night, alone. I knew it would be too much for me. Even after one look at the table we sat at, kneeled at, last night, I knew I had to get out of the house for the day. If not longer.

After dressing, I had rushed over The Garrison, willing to work for free if it meant I was away from that room, and that house, for the day. I had pleaded with Harry to give me a shift for the day, which he easily gave in to, thanks to the promise of my free labour. Even if I had asked to be paid, I knew he would have agreed though, knowing I was a helpful hand to have around. 

However, I was finding that even though I was not near the place it had happened, my mind wanted to reply the moment over and over again. Recalling every little detail, over and over again. The feel of his lips. The caress of his hand. The warmth of his body. It was a moment stuck on repeat inside my head, and it appeared there was nothing I could do to stop it. The distant had not worked. Talking to whoever came up to the bar did not work. And pushing myself to work as hard as I could, did not work. 

We had kissed for longer than I could remember. Each kiss had stretched into the next, until all I could remember it as was one continuous motion. I knew at some point we had broken apart and the moment had been over. I knew at some point, Tommy must have left, because he did not wake up with me this morning. But, I could not remember when any of that happened. Even the moments before the kiss were blurred to me. All my mind could focus on was the kiss. 

I used to spend my days thinking about Tommy kissing me. The when, and the where, and the what if’s. But we had never made it anywhere near kissing before. Even if I had been the last woman in Birmingham, I doubted Tommy would have kissed me before. He was too preoccupied with every other woman in town. So, I had to question, what had changed now? What had made him do it now? Why now?

Had he felt me slipping away, and thought kissing me would keep me on side? As if my previous feelings were enough to glaze over everything that had happened. As if I could forgive everything that had happened, because Thomas Shelby had finally kissed me. Or had he finally ‘come to his senses’, and realised after all these years, I was the one for him? As if seeing me repeatedly breakdown, made him finally realise what was right in front of him. As if seeing me vulnerable, made him see me in a different light to the one he saw me in before. 

I was not naïve enough to believe either reason was the answer behind Tommy kissing me. I had never truly known the reasons behind why Tommy did anything, and I knew last night would be no exception. He might give me hints as to why he had done it, but he would never tell me why, and to what cause. He would just expect me to accept it as something that happened to me. To move on and never question it. That is what he always wanted us to do. To move on and never question anything he did. 

But it could not be like that anymore. He had to know it could not be like that anymore. If anything like last night were to happen again between us, it could not be like that. If we were to ever kiss again, I had to know _why_. I had to prepare myself, to keep my guard up, so I would not get pulled back to him so easily. Like now. I could already feel myself being drawn back into his web, like every other woman in Small Heath. Like Lizzie, and May. Like Jessie. Even like Polly and Ada. 

I could not be strung along again. I refused to be strung along again. Pulled to the front only when my feelings could make something convenient happen for him. When my feelings blinded me so much to his grander plan, that we had all ended up in prison. When his lack of feelings toward me had ultimately resulted in me wanting to end my own life. That could not happen again. He could not have that much power over my feelings ever again. If anything were to ever happen between us, it had to be on equal ground. It had to be when he had enough respect for me to tell me the truth, even if it hurt me. It had to be on my terms, our terms, not just his. Not just when it was convenient for him.

I sighed in exasperation. I could not believe I was even thinking like this. I had no need to keep my guard up, because I had vowed to myself to never get dragged back into Tommy’s clutches again. I would never need to guard myself from him, because there was nothing there for him anymore. Yet, here I was, already thinking about the possibility of last night happening again. Already thinking about the possibility of some kind of future with Tommy. After one kiss. After one half decent apology. It seemed that was all I needed to let my guard fall, and entertain the possibility that Tommy had changed. But when had he shown any evidence of that? When had even shown one ounce of change? When had he shown any interest in wanting a future with me? Even last night, he had shown no interest in wanting to kiss me, until he did. What had changed over the course of the evening for him to suddenly want that from me?

Before she died, my mother had always said to me, _‘you can’t change someone who does not see an issue in their actions’_. And I always used to laugh her away. I blamed her ramblings on her illness and tried not to think too hard about what she was trying to say to me. I thought I had too many other important things to worry about back then. But now. Now I could understand what she meant. Now I could see how true that statement was. Now I truly knew what worry was. Maybe my mother had seen something in Tommy that I had not seen then, that I refused to see then. 

The whole time I had been away, Tommy had never tried to contact me. He had never tried to reach out to me. I knew he could. I knew he had the power and authority now to find out where people were, and what they were doing. But I had not heard a word. Why was he only sorry now? Now that I was back, and a part of his latest feud? Had seeing my face in person been the action for him to finally recognise what he had done wrong? Because he had seen me before. He had seen me after everything that had happened. He had seen me try to kill myself. But that had clearly not been enough for him to give me a real apology. So, why now? Why now?

Thomas Shelby needed to know he could not get everything he wanted, when he wanted now. Especially without rhyme or reasons behind why he wanted those things. He needed to understand that things had changed for all of us now. And he had to change with us.


	14. Ladies Club

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy xx

“What’s happening with the Italians?”

Polly looked up, startled, at my question, surely surprised to see me. I had just stormed through the office, determined to get some answers about the real situation at hand today. I had been distracted lately, I knew that. If I was not questioning my feelings, and motives, behind killing people since I had returned to Small Heath; I was questioning my feelings towards Tommy and everything he now represented for me now. But I had not returned for that. I had not returned to dredge up old memories and feelings, or to doubt myself and who I was now. I had returned to help try and solve the situation the Italians had thrust upon us. 

All I had done to help since my return had been killing two of them, which had only opened me up to feelings I had not been expecting to deal with. When I had decided to come back, and help, I had promised myself I would not get caught up in the Shelby family again. I wanted to come back, show that I would contribute, because the threat spread to me as well, and then leave. I would leave, hopefully unaffected and unharmed, and never have to come back again. 

That plan had been thrown out of the window as soon as I had seen Polly though. The state she was in when I had first seen her, had pulled at my heart strings, and pulled me back into the main Shelby fold. And now, with whatever was going on between Tommy and I, I knew whenever the business with Italians was over, I would not be able to leave again as easily as I thought. 

In order for me to even try and follow through with my plan, we had to solve the problem of the Italians first. I needed to get my head back in the game. And that involved gathering as much information as possible. I knew whatever information Arthur had, would not make much sense to me, he always had his own way of thinking that everyone else struggled to understand. Even if Tommy was willing to tell me what I needed to know, I was still not in the right frame of mind to face him. So, that left me with one of two options. I could either go out on my own, and feel around for any information I could gather. Or, I could to the one person who I knew would know more than she let on to everyone else, and would probably tell me everything she knew, with a little coaxing. Polly. 

“Excuse me?” Polly said, trying to remain aloof. I raised my eyebrow at her.

“You heard me. What do you know about the Italians? What do you know about what they’re doing?” 

“You think I have any idea?”

“I think out of everyone around here, you’ve got the best idea about what’s happening. And you’ve probably got the best plan to sort them out.”

Polly smirked at me. “Why don’t you ask Tommy?”

“Because I don’t want to. I want to ask you.”

Polly’s smirk widened at my reply, making a feeling of unease pull at my thoughts. I choose to ignore the feeling for now. I did not want to know what she knew about me and Tommy. Or what she thought she knew.

“Okay then. Take a seat,” Polly said, gesturing to the seat across from her. I quickly sat down, and listened to everything she was willing to divulge. 

-

“Does Tommy know they’ve been to see Alfie?” I asked, not able to stop the question from spilling out of my mouth. Polly had filled me in on most of what she knew, having found informants everywhere, and was now coming to what she had been told the previous day. Changretta had been to visit Alfie Solomon’s warehouse in Camden, likely trying to persuade the man to join their side. It was a huge piece of information, that could lead to repercussions for us later down the line. I knew Tommy needed to know, whether I was talking to him or not. 

“Of course Tommy knows, there isn’t much he doesn’t.”

I involuntarily snorted at Polly’s reply. There was a lot Tommy did not know. I kept my mouth shut when Polly looked to me though, knowing now was not the time or the place to discuss that. Instead, I pulled Polly, and myself, back to our discussion. 

“And that’s the last thing you were told?” I asked Polly.

“That was the last thing my sources saw. It’s all been quiet since. They’re probably waiting on Alfie’s reply.”

“They’ll be waiting a long time,” I said, knowing that even though they did not get on the majority of the time, Alfie would not betray Tommy again. They were friends, in the loosest definition of the word. I saw Polly take a deep breath, and another pull of unease tugged on my mind. “They will be waiting for a reply, won’t they?”

“Well, we thought…”

“…Tommy thought…”

“…What would work best for us, is if Alfie did reply to the Italians, and agreed to take their side. But, he would gather as much information as possible for us. Double bluff them.”

“You honestly think that will work?”

“I think it’s the best shot we’ve got. And Alfie has as much trouble with the Italians as us, so he wants them gone as much as us.”

I had no reply. I had nothing to counteract what Polly had said, and with everything else she had told me, I could not see another plan for us either. Relying on Alfie was not what I thought was best, but we really had no other option at this point. We would have to trust his word, and hope that he gave us some information that helped us form a stronger, and more coherent plan. 

I opened my mouth to voice my thoughts to Polly, when we were interrupted. Ada stormed into Polly’s office, much like I had done earlier, and collapsed into the seat next to mine. She huffed a sigh, as she leaned back. 

“I can’t believe my fucking brother sometimes,” Ada said, looking more annoyed than I had seen her in a while. 

“What’s he done now?” Polly asked, absentmindedly, going back to the work I had interrupted when I had come in, demanding information. I could see a small smile on her face, and knew hearing Ada complain about her brothers took her back to a time before. A time where they had been a full, tightknit family. A time where all they had to worry about was how badly the brothers were annoying their sister. 

“He’s only gone and hired bloody Linda to come and work in the office with us.”

Polly’s head snapped back up at that information, forcing me to push back a smile. 

“What?”

“Yeah, he’s just come and told me to make her feel welcome. She should be here any minute.”

“What the hell is she going to do all day?” Polly asked Ada, sternly.

“Who the fuck knows. Arthur’s probably given her something to take of. Probably to keep her out of his hair.”

Polly and I shared a smile at Ada’s reply, knowing it was probably close to the truth. I did not mind Linda sometimes, but she could be a touch full on at times. She must be a lot to cope with 24/7.

“Well, we’ll let’s make her feel welcome then,” I said, standing up as I heard the main office door open and close once again. The three of us in the room all took deep breaths, attempting to ready ourselves for what we were about to receive.

-

It turned out, Linda was not such bad company. Once she got chatting, it was easy to find her endless chatter distracting. I even managed to find out bits of gossip I never would have heard anywhere else. It seemed as though Linda knew a lot more than she let on. Not just the good Christian woman she appeared to be. Unlike the other two, I was happy to keep her around the office. She eased the tension in the room, and helped the time move faster with her mindless chatter and stories. However, her next choice of topic, had me re-evaluating my feelings towards her. 

“Did you hear about what Lizzie did the other day?” Linda asked, but received no response from the rest of the room. She continued speaking nonetheless, “Arthur said she came into the office, all guns blazing. Started shouting loads of shit about how she was meant to be pregnant, how she had been told she was pregnant. She started screaming at Tommy about all these plans she had made, cause it would have been his baby. But apparently, she went to the doctors and he said there was nothing there, there was no way she was pregnant. Whoever told her she was pregnant must have lied. I feel sorry for her really, she must have really wanted his baby.” 

I saw Polly shoot me a look from across the room, but I pointedly ignored her.

“Please, she just really wants Tommy. She would do anything to try and keep him locked to her,” Ada replied, surprising me. I always thought her and Lizzie were friends, or at least, they got along better than I had seen Lizzie get along with anyone. Perhaps Lizzie was only using Ada though, trying to get close to Tommy through his sister. That appeared to have backfired. 

I did not know how to feel about Linda’s revelation about Lizzie. I had not spared much thought it when Polly had told me. But I had still been resolutely pushing my feelings away then. I had refused to spare much thought to the idea of Tommy getting Lizzie pregnant, because I refused to believe it would affect me in anyway. It would have meant nothing to me. 

But that was not true. If Lizzie had been pregnant, it would have thrown any feelings I had away. They would have meant nothing. Tommy may be a womanizing man, but he was not a completely unhonourable one. He would have done the right thing by Lizzie, and their baby. He would have married her, and tried to live by her as honestly as he could. He would have failed, I knew that. He would have eventually felt like he had been forced into a life he did not ask for, and he would have begun to test the limits of their life together, possibly making it collapse. For the most part though, he would have tried as best he could. 

Now though. Now, he had nothing hanging over his head. He had a predominantly open future, allowing him the choice to be with whoever he wanted to be with, without any guilt or shame. He even had the choice to be with me, if he so wished. 

Although, I had to wonder, if he did have the choice to be with me. Just because she was not pregnant, did not take away from the fact that he had fucked Lizzie again. That he had probably continued to fuck Lizzie the whole time I had been away. That he had fucked Lizzie right under my nose for years, without a care for how it made me feel. That he had fucked several women right under my nose for years, without any thought to what it was doing to me. 

Just because he had an open future, did not mean it should involve me. It did not mean it would involve me. But, I could not stop myself from thinking that this was a glimmer of hope. That this offered us an opportunity. We needed to talk first. We needed to work through a lot of issues first. And we needed to move on from the past, before we could move forward. But, this was one less obstacle in our way, and presumably, one less woman. 

I sighed at myself, and my thoughts. My heart could not help itself sometimes. And Tommy would always worm his way there, and worm his way into my thoughts. I hated to admit it, but he had managed to do it in my year away, just like he was managing to do it now. No matter how many promises I made myself, Tommy would always find a way to bury himself in me, breaking my promises to myself so easily. 

“Are we all ready for the match on Friday?” Linda asked, breaking the small silence that had formed since the last time she had spoken. And breaking me from my all-consuming thoughts. 

“The match?” I asked back, confused as to what Linda was talking about now. 

“The boxing match,” Ada stated, her tone and her look showing she could not believe I did not know. I shook my head, indicating I really had no idea what they were talking about. 

“Between Bonnie Gold, and one of Alfie’s lads. Arthur’s been talking about nothing else for days now,” Linda replied, finally suppling me with some idea of what they were talking about. 

“Isn’t that Aberama Gold’s boy?” I asked, brow furrowing. I thought the deal with Aberama had been a onetime thing, for John’s funeral, not a long-standing contract to help his son with boxing. 

“It is, isn’t it Pol’?” Ada said, smirking towards her Aunt. I turned towards Polly as well, holding back a smirk of my own as a small blush spotted her checks. Polly kept her focus on her work, trying to look unaffected by Ada’s teasing. I raised my eyebrows at them, having never seen Polly react that way towards any teasing. 

“Have you been under a rock Georgina? How did you not know this?” Linda asked distractedly, also trying to focus on her work. I paused at Linda’s question, unsure how to answer it. I had been under a rock. A rock of my own feelings and tribulations. I had no idea what else had been going on since I had come back. I had been too consumed with what was happening to me, and how I was meant to deal with what was happening to me, to spare a thought towards anyone or anything else. I should have tried to focus more on what was happening around me. I should have been more present, especially in trying to help with the Italians. Who knows where we could be now if I had done? It appears I had missed quite a bit in my distracted state. 

“Everyone’s going to be there,” Linda continued, unperturbed by my lack of response to her answers.

“Everyone?” I asked, trying to be subtle. 

“Everyone, even Tommy,” Linda said, offhandedly, answering the question I did not want to ask. 

I nodded at Linda, even though she was not looking, and turned back to what I had been trying to work on before. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Polly and Ada exchange a look and smirk before continuing with their own tasks. I chose to ignore what that meant for now, and thought about what Linda had just said. I wanted to talk to Tommy. I _needed_ to talk to Tommy. Maybe by the time the boxing match rolled around in a few days, I would be ready. Until then, I would keep my head low, and try to think of a plan to try and help our ongoing Italian problem.


	15. Hands Against the Wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't been particularly happy with the past few chapters, I think writing from Tommy's point of view made it more difficult for me to pick up from Georgina's again. BUT I finally feel like I'm back in the right head space to write for Georgina now, so I am super excited about this chapter, and couldn't wait to share it with you! It is also the longest chapter I've written so far, and I really hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Sorry for any errors, and happy reading x

“Pour us another pint love,” came a request from an older man, leering at me from across the bar. I gave him a tight smile, as a conformation that I had heard him, and moved to refill the pint glass he had just emptied. 

I was working at The Garrison again. I was working for free again. Because I needed the distraction _again_. 

It was not that Tommy had done anything recently, he had not had the chance, as I was trying my best to avoid him. But, my thoughts had not received that message. Thankfully, I had managed to get all thoughts of our kiss reduced down to when I was alone at night, but my other thoughts were still monotonous in their surrounding of Tommy. 

I had more important things to think about, but my mind kept circling back to Tommy. ‘What was Tommy doing now?’ ‘Who was Tommy doing now?’ ‘Would he try and contact me before I was ready?’ ‘Was he thinking about our kiss as much as I was?’ Mainly though, I kept thinking about how, and when, I was going to confront him. It had to happen soon, we needed to clear the air between us, so we could begin to focus our attention on more important matters. Like the Italians. Or, the fact that no one appeared to be questioning the disappearance of the policeman I had had a run in with. 

However, even with those things niggling away at the back of my mind, I still did not feel ready to face him yet. Probably because, I was not ready to face any of the other matters yet. I was making the excuse that, the events of the other day, were still too fresh in my mind. I knew if I faced Tommy right now, all I would be thinking about was our kiss. It would play on repeat over and over again, and I knew Tommy would be able to read that all over my face. And he would probably use that to his advantage. 

I needed to have clear thoughts when we met so, wherever our conversation led to, I would still be able to form rational responses. That was always my downfall before. My mind would had been too easily led astray, or manipulated, causing me to lose all coherent, rational thought, making me agreeable to any plan Tommy suggested. I could not let that happen this time. He needed to see that I was not the same as before, my mind could not be as easily changed as before. My mind was my own now. 

Coming back to my senses, I sighed deeply, realising I had been wiping the same spot on the bar for much longer than necessary. It was a good job I was not being paid for this. I moved down the bar, mopping up the spillages that I had been missing during my time cleaning. Just as I reached the end of the bar, about to become lost in thought of Tommy again, the bar doors slammed open. My heart began to race, as I waited to see who had pushed through. As the person lifted their head, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief, as I saw it was the youngest Shelby. It was only Finn. 

“Alright Finn?” I greeted warmly, as the Shelby boy all but fell into one of the bar stools in front of me. I quickly fetched a bottle of whisky and glass, pouring a glass for Finn. As I pushed the glass towards him, he made no move to greet me back. He barely made a move to lift his head. My brow instantly furrowed with worry. 

“Is everything okay Finn?” I asked gently, bending slightly to try and connect his eyes with mine. 

He just shrugged in response. I kept trying to make his eyes connect with mine, to make him look up from the spot he was staring at, but to no avail. My worry began to increase. 

“Finn… Finn… Come on, just look at me… Please,” I continued gently, trying to coax him into looking at me. 

He lifted his head slightly, and mumbled something I could not make out. 

“What was that Finn?”

“I can’t do it,” his reply came clearer this time, as he lifted his head further up.

“Can’t do what?”

“I can’t do any of it! I can’t do it George! I can’t!” he lifted his head fully now, to shout his reply at me. 

“Okay, okay…” I said gently, holding my hands up in surrender, “take a deep breath for me Finn. Just, try to calm down, and explain to me what you’re trying to tell me.”

Finn followed my instructions, and let his body sag into the bar as he attempted to calm himself down. He picked up his glass, and swirled the liquid around in it. He looked too much like his brothers now. The young boy I once knew was disappearing in front of my eyes. 

“They wanted me to… they trusted me to…” Finn spoke quietly, paling as he spoke.

“What Finn? What did they want?” I made my way around the bar as I spoke, so I was able to take the seat next to his. 

“They wanted me to kill someone George,” Finn looked me in the eyes as he spoke, allowing me to see the slight glisten in them. “They wanted me to kill someone, and I can’t do that Georgina, I can’t.”

“Oh Finn.” My heart constricted at his words. At the clear emotion behind his words. I placed my hand on his back, trying to soothe him with a gentle touch. “You don’t have to kill anyone if you don’t want to.”

“But I do!” he cried, “they’re all expecting me to, I know they are. To be one of them I have to. To be like them I have to.”

“Finn,” I sighed again. I hated to see him like this. I hated to him in such anguish, especially because of his brothers. He had always looked for their approval, desperately clinging on to it whenever they showed a glimpse. I could not believe they were trying to use that to their advantage now. Could they not see what it was doing to Finn?

I brought my arm further around Finn, dragging him closer to my side. He fell easily, clearly wanting the comfort I was offering. I swung my other arm around, circling him in a proper hug. I heard Finn sigh in relief, as he dug his head into the crook of my neck. I wondered how long it had been since someone had given him a hug, and I felt a tug on my heart. 

“I’m not like them,” Finn whispered into my neck.

“I know. I know you’re not,” I replied, rubbing my hand up and down his back gently, in comfort. 

“I’m not like John,” Finn said pulling away from me. 

Reaching out, I placed a hand on his cheek, making sure he was looking at me, “that’s a good thing Finn,” he looked at me with sceptical eyes. “It’s a good thing, trust me.” 

It was a good thing, because I knew what damage being like his brothers caused. I had been a part of their damage one too many times. And I hated to think Finn would turn out like them at some point. I was determined to make sure that did not happen. That at least one person in Small Heath survived and got out. That at least one person in Small Heath did not get stuck in Tommy’s web. And even though I wanted to progress on my terms, I knew I had little chance of surviving alongside Finn. If my continuing thoughts were anything to go by, I knew I was becoming ensnared by Tommy all over again.

-

It was early evening when I finally left The Garrison again, having spent a lot longer than usual pouring pints in the pub. The air was calm when I walked out, calmer than it had been in weeks. There was a cool breeze that helped to cool my warm skin, from working all day. There was a dull light from the sky, as the sun began to set for the day. The only noise that could be heard was that spilling out from The Garrison behind me. Other than that, it was eerily calm. It instantly made me on edge.

Feeling like I was being watched, I looked around me to see if anyone was around. As I turned my head to the left, I could make out a lone figure from the corner of my eye. I kept my head where it was, not turning it any further, and watched as the man began to move closer to me. 

As he moved closer, his face became clearer. My heart began to beat faster. I felt sweat begin to dot my brow. I recognised the face instantly. It made bile rise in my throat. It made my skin begin to crawl. It made me go back to a time I wished more than anything I could forget. 

It was a policeman. One from before. He had not been one of the worst ones, but he had hardly been kind either. There were only one of two reasons why he could be here. Neither one of them filled me with hope. 

He could have been here out of curiosity. He could have heard my name being bandied about again, and wanted to see for himself if I was back. See how vulnerable I was now. See what he could take from me now. Or, he could have realised one of his former partners in crime was missing. He could have found out where his last visit had been to. He could have been told in passing, that he had been seen around The Garrison a few days ago. He could have been told he was last seen talking to a young woman, before they disappeared into a back alley; with only one of them coming out. He could have been staking the place out, to see who passed through on a frequent basis, to see if they had seen anything. He might not even recognise me. I might just be another person he was choosing to question. I was not naïve enough to believe that though. I knew why he was here. He was here to take something from me, whatever that may be. 

When I saw he had got close enough, I turned around to face him head on. I did not want to leave my back exposed to him for any longer than I had to. I had been in that vulnerable position before, and he had been more than happy to take advantage back then. 

“Do you know who I am?” he asked once I had turned to face him. His voice felt so familiar it sent chills down my spine. 

“Yes,” I answered in a whisper. 

“Good.” 

He took a step closer to me, making me want to turn and run. But I held my ground. He was now close enough to me the smell of him invaded my senses. They had all smelled the same back then. He smelled the same now. A strong stench of tobacco, mixed with an ever-present smell of stale sweat. The smell made tears sting my eyes, and even more bile churn in my stomach. 

“Something strange happened the other day,” he said, “something that, combined with rumours of your return, have made you crop up in my mind more than once.”

As he spoke, he began to circle me. I turned with him, making sure to never leave my back to him. I still felt cornered though. I still felt like his prey.

“Oh really? And what was that?” I asked, trying to keep the tremor from my voice. 

“A friend of mine, another policeman actually, went missing, late last week,” as he finished speaking, he stopped his pacing around me. I froze along with him, staying silent. “And,  
it happened around the same time as we heard you were back in town.”

I still remained silent, and completely still. I could not afford to give anything away.

“You’re probably surprised we still remembered who you were. But, you were pretty memorable. One of the most memorable prisoners I’ve ever had.” 

He took another step closer to me, almost an inch away from me now. I refused to move, no matter how much I wanted to. Even as he looked me up and down, sizing me up again, I refused to move. I refused to let him see how intimidated I felt in that moment. 

“And because of that memory, I remembered how angry you were when you left. You were a dangerous level of angry. An angry that would make you do reckless, and stupid things.”

As he spoke his breath fanned over my face. I had to hold my own breath to stop myself from smelling. I knew I would be sick if I had to keep smelling it.

“But, nothing happened. Nothing happened for a whole year, and we forgot about it. We forgot about you… But suddenly, you’re back in town, and one of the officers that dealt with you has gone missing.”

We clearly had different meanings on the word ‘dealt’. I would hardly say any of them ‘dealt’ with me when I was prison. More like they took advantage of me. More like they attacked, they abused, they broke me. 

I had nothing to counter his argument, so I stayed silent, swallowing heavily.

“I suppose it might not have anything to do with you. I suppose it could have been any number of people. I suppose we all have our enemies. But something about this coincidence has stuck with me, and I can’t help but question it.”

I swallowed heavily, as he stepped even closer to me. We were face to face, nose to nose now. He stared into my eyes, seemingly looking for any answers to his questions. We stood in silence. I still refused to speak, too afraid at what might come out if I did. 

After a moment, he took a half-step away from me, sighing deeply. He ran his hand across his forehead and looked around us. I followed his actions, and noticed we were still alone. No one had left the pub since I had. No one had left the houses surrounding us. There was not a passer-by in sight. Theoretically, I knew anyone could pass us any minute.  
The people inside had to leave the pub at some point. But, the emptiness around us made me more nervous. As if he could read my thoughts, a slow, sinister smile, began to cross his face. Surely, he knew we were in plain view. That even though we were alone now, we may not be in a second, and our position made us visible to anyone who may walk past. 

Without warning, he reached out and grabbed my forearm. Too shocked to register what he was doing, I did not make a sound. However, as he began pulling me away from the spot I was frozen to, I made a small yelp at the roughness of his actions, more out of surprise than anything. His grip around my forearm was bruising. His pull felt strong enough to take my arm out of its socket. 

Confused at what was happening, I stayed silent as he pulled me away from where we had been standing. I did try to wrangle my forearm out of his grip, but there was not point, his hold was like a vice. I had to keep wiggling my fingers to stop the pins and needles from the lack of blood flow. 

I was almost grateful when he turned down an alley, and stopped. Even though the location was even less desirable than before, he at least let go of my arm. Before I had the chance to question why he had veered off into this alley, I was shoved backwards. He placed both his hands on my shoulders and pushed me back against the wall of the alley. I felt a sharp breath escape my mouth as my back connected with the wall. His thumbs dug into collarbones, using them as pins to keep me from even squirming against his hold. 

I knew fighting back would make whatever was about to happen even worse. So, to stop myself, I dug my hands into the wall behind me. I clawed at the roughness texture, hoping the pain I caused myself would distract me from any pain he was about to cause me. I steeled myself against him, ready to face whatever he was planning to do to me. 

But nothing happened. He did nothing physical to me. He kept his hands on my shoulders, holding me in place, and never strayed from there. Instead, he leaned in closer, until he was right in front of my face. Until I had no choice but to smell his breath as his words hit me. 

“I know it was you, you little bitch. I know it was you, and I know your little blinder friends helped you after. I know. And I am going to spend every minute of the day finding proof of that. I am going to find out when. And I am going to find out how. And I am going to relish in the days when I come back here. I am going to come back again, and again, and again. Until I have all the information I want. Or, until you break and tell me yourself how you killed him.”

I could not stand hearing his words. I pushed against his grip, the need to get away overcoming any feeling of preservation I had left. His grip left no room for movement though. Tears filled my eyes, out of frustration or pain, I could not tell anymore. The only thing I could do was turn my head away, but that only allowed him closer to my face, where he could place his lips right against my ear. 

“I will be hovering around you day in, and day out. You’ll never know when you’ll see me next. And one day, you’ll see me, and I’ll be coming to arrest you. I’ll be coming to take you back where you belong. And you’ll get to see all your old friends again.”

He stopped speaking for a moment. He used the time to grab my face roughly with one of his hands, forcing my head to turn and face his. 

“You’ll get to see exactly how we feel about you killing one of our own,” he spat in my face, making sure I felt the vehemence behind his words. 

He shoved my face out of my hand, knocking it back into wall after he had finished speaking. He took his other hand off my shoulder, and stepped away from me. I refused to look back at him though, finding it too difficult to continue keeping my tears at bay.

“I’ll see you soon, Georgina,” he said, as I watched him look me up and down out of the corner of my eyes. His eyes paused halfway up my body, whilst a smirk stretched across his face. His eyes continued up, until he made sure they connected with mine. His smirk notched up at the side as he stared at me, probably seeing the tears about to fall from my eyes. He nodded his head towards me once, before he finally turned around and left me alone in the alley. 

I waited a few minutes after he had left, before I finally leaned to the side and released what had been building inside of me since the start of our encounter. I felt everything inside of me come up as I was sick onto the floor of the alley. I heaved until nothing more could come out of me. My throat felt raw. My nose was stinging. I could feel nothing but the erratic beat of my heart. 

I leaned against the wall behind me, exhaustion completing overcoming me. I let my head fall back, so the wall was supporting it more than my neck could. I took in deep breath after deep breath, until I felt my heart begin slow down to its normal rate. I brought my hands out in front of me, and lifted my head. There was quiver to my hands, as they were released from the tight grip I had on them in. There were small bits of dirt and stone buried under my fingernails. There were small dots of blood on the tips of my fingers, where the stone had been sharp enough to cut. There was a slight numbness to my hands, from how tense I had made them against the wall. No wonder he had smirked at me. He had probably seen what I was willing to do to myself, just distract from what he had been saying. He probably knew I would break far quicker than he thought I would if he kept wandering into my life. 

He knew how afraid I was of him. He knew the power he had over me. He knew he could come back any time he wanted and get the same reaction out of me. He knew, as long as I was alone, he could get whatever he wanted out of me. He probably would have done so tonight, if he did not enjoy the idea of chasing me, torturing me, so much. 

The thought of what he said to me filled me with dread. The thought that he could come back day after day, and evoke the same reaction out of me, filled me with an anxiety I had never felt before. Not even a year ago. The thought of dealing with all of this alone, was unimaginable. I needed someone, anyone, to talk to. But there was only one person I wanted to talk to. There was only one person I wanted to turn to for help. 

Whether I was ready to face Tommy or not was no longer the problem. I needed to talk to him as soon as possible. There was no conceivable way I could face this threat by myself. I needed help. And as much as I hated to admit it, I knew I needed Tommy’s help the most.


	16. We Need to Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy, happy reading xx

I looked up at the abandoned warehouse in front of me. Based on the many men walking in and out of the building, I knew this was the right place. It was where the boxing match would be taking place in a few hours. And it was currently the place where I hoped I would find Tommy. 

I took a deep breath, before I strode forward, looking much more confident than I felt. I pushed through the doors, and carried on walking forward, ignoring all the men bustling around the building. I carried on walking, until I reached another set of doors. Unsure what I would find behind these, I was much more hesitant in my approach.

Opening the doors, I was greeted with a room I knew would be packed in a few hours. There was a raised platform in the middle, with reds ropes connecting each corner to the next. Rows and rows of chairs circling the platform, ready for rowdy customers to fill them. There were a few open spaces between the chairs, allowing whoever would be watching tonight, to easily make their way back and forth between the match and the makeshift bar in the corner of the room. In the other corner of the room that I could see, I could make out a few empty tables. Instinct told me, they were going to be used as betting tables, a simple way for the Blinders to make a little bit of extra money. One of the men leaning against the tables only confirmed my suspicions. It was one of the few men I knew would be able to lead me to where I needed to go. Arthur. 

I made my over to Arthur quickly, already uncomfortable with the way the few men in the room had turned to look at me. He was staring intently at a clipboard when I approached, but managed to spare me a quick smile when I reached him. 

“Alright George.” 

“Arthur, I need to talk to Tommy,” I said, not bothering to greet him back. I knew I was being rude, but I needed to get on with my reason for visiting, I did not need to be dragged into an unnecessary conversation. 

“Sorry love, can’t help you,” Arthur replied, not paying the slightest bit of attention to me, choosing to focus on another clipboard someone handed him instead. 

I raised my eyebrows at him, not believing him. I knew if one person around here knew where Tommy was at the moment, it was Arthur. I put my hands on my hips, and stared him, with my eyebrows still raised. Even if he was not looking at me, he knew I was there, I knew the pressure of my presence would get to him soon. 

Eventually, he glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, and saw the way I was stood, saw the expression on my face. Arthur tensed slightly, having not seen me like this since I had returned. I was surprised at myself, but I need to get things sorted, and the best way for me to do that was to act how I used to. I needed to act like a woman you would not mess with, not like the broken woman I had become. Even if I did not feel that strong on the inside, I had to present myself as such. It was the only way I would be able to get things sorted. And I needed them sorted today. I needed the guarantee of help. I knew he had many other things to deal with at the moment, as did I, but the threat I had received off the policeman last night was the biggest worry on my list. I needed to make it at least one of the worries on Tommy’s. 

Arthur looked at me again, and saw I had not moved. In fact, my expression, my stance, had only gotten tenser. It had only gotten stronger. Arthur sighed, and held his hands up in surrender. 

“Fine. Fine. He’s in the back office…” 

I sighed back at Arthur, and dropped my hands from my waist, as he finally told me Tommy’s whereabouts. I quickly turned on my heal and began to walk in the direction of the back office. As I walked away, Arthur shouted after me, “whatever you do, don’t tell him I told you!”

-

There were several doors lining the back of the warehouse, any of which could contain the office Tommy was in. I tried each of the doors, not wanting to waste time trying to guess which room was the one I needed. The first doors I tried either were either barren, or converted into what I supposed were meant to be used as changing rooms. 

I took a deep breath before trying the next door, just wanting to find Tommy already. If this was not the right one, there were still a couple more for me to try, and another corridor down the end, which could probably hold several other mysterious doors. Without knocking, I pushed the handle of the door and swung it open. 

To my relief, it was finally the right room. Tommy was sat behind the lone desk in the room, that looked like it had been dragged in only for this occasion. He had a number of folders spread across the desk, and looked to be reaching for the next one when I made my grand entrance. He spared me one, quick glance, before immediately carrying on with whatever work he had been trying to do before I interrupted. As he did, I heard him mumble _"Arthur,"_ under his breath, with a shake of his head. I rolled my eyes at his behaviour. He could have at least pretended to be interested in why I had barged in on him, before going back to his work. 

I walked far enough into the room to close the door behind me. I did not want to get too close to Tommy yet, needing to keep some distance between us. I folded my arms across my chest, and waited to see if Tommy would even bother to talk first. I heaved a sigh through my nose when he did not say word, and decided to get the ball rolling myself. 

“We need to talk.” 

“Do we now? The last I heard, you were trying to ignore me,” Tommy replied, still not looking up from his work. He was acting as if I had not just barged in on him with no announcement, as if this was still a common occurrence between us. 

“Where did you hear that?”

“Well, the fact that you’ve been actively ignoring me was the big clue. And, that fact that you didn’t deny it then, was my final clue.”

I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm, not in the mood for it. We had more important things to talk about, rather than whether I was or was not ignoring him.

“Even if I was, that’s not important.”

“Is it not?” Tommy asked, raising his eyebrow at me. 

I huffed a sigh, already sensing that Tommy wanted to keep circling this conversation back around. I was not here for that, there were serious things we had to discuss.

“Thomas,” using his full name got his attention, “there are more important things for us to talk about, than if I’ve been ignoring you or not.”

Tommy did not reply, but looked at me expectantly. He gestured to a chair across the desk from him, but I refused to sit. We were not on equal ground yet, and I needed some way to show that. It may be a juvenile way to do so, but it helped get the message across. 

“I was paid a visit last night, by one of our friendly local policeman,” I said, pulling my arms tighter across my chest. I waited for Tommy to say something in response, but he remained tight-lipped. The only indication that he had heard what I had said was the impossibly tight clenching of his jaw. I saw him take a deep breath, in order to keep himself calm, before he reached into his pocket and quickly pulled out a cigarette to light. 

“He wanted to talk to me about some things… or well… he wanted to tell me some things,” Tommy still had no reply for me. “He has suspicions about one of his colleagues, another policeman,” I added an inflection to my tone, hoping Tommy knew who I was referring to. Based on the dark look that overtook his eyes, he did. 

“Did he… did he do anything to you?” Tommy asked, with hesitance, I was not sure he truly wanted to know the answer.

“He… he took me to an alley behind The Garrison,” I said quietly. 

Tommy slammed his hand on his desk, making me jump back in surprise. He lifted his hand up, and pointed at me, “if he laid a hand on you…”

“He didn’t touch anywhere below my shoulder…”

“Why am I sensing there’s more to this story?” I looked down at Tommy’s words, feeling almost ashamed at what had happened.

“It wasn’t anything he did, it was more what he said. He said he knows it was me who killed that other police officer, and he knows it was you who helped me clear it up. He said… he said he’s going to stay around for a while. He’s going to keep popping up in my life until he learns the truth… until I tell him the truth.” 

I didn’t know if I was scared of telling Tommy, or if it was the sudden rush of memories, but my hands began to shake as I spoke. I clenched them into fists to try and hide them. I dug my nails into my palms, hard. I hoped the pain would counteract the shaking. I would rather be in pain than look weak. But, the way Tommy’s eyes darted down to my sides, I knew he had seen. I knew he knew. 

“It won’t come to that,” Tommy replied. 

I scoffed. Of course he thought it was that easy. I dreaded to think what he wanted to do to this man. He probably thought it would redeem him in some way, in my eyes. 

“I don’t want any more blood on my hands,” I said vehemently, wanting Tommy to understand how much I still did not want to kill, or hurt, anyone else. 

“It’s a god job none will get on your hands then.”

“Tommy…”

“No! I’m not going to sit back and let this man come back again and again, to threaten you. To intimidate you. The man he’s trying to find justice for, has had his justice served to him. And he deserved what he got. Now it’s his turn. He’s going to find out exactly what Shelby justice feels like.”

“Tommy…” I tried again, but could not speak any further. Tears lined my eyes, but I had no idea why I was so emotional. Was it because I truly did not want any more bloodshed?   
Or was it because of lengths I knew Tommy would go to, to make sure this policeman did feel the wrath of the Shelby’s anger? 

-

I walked out of Tommy’s makeshift office, feeling slighty more at ease than when I had entered. Even though I really did not want anyone else to be killed, it was hard to think of any other way to rid myself of the problem of this policeman. I did not know how I would cope if I had to see him repeatedly. I would probably lose my mind. I just had to trust Tommy to leave me out of it. Out of sight, out of mind. At least then I could pretend I had nothing to do with it. At least then I could pretend there was not more bloodshed on my behalf. 

As I walked back through the way I came in, I could hear the noise from the front of the building getting louder. The boxing match was due to start soon. I was not in the mood to walk through a room filled with boisterous men, who had little control over their actions. I needed a quiet room to think over what Tommy and I had discussed, to think about what course of action to take next. 

I opened one of the doors I checked behind earlier, and found it still empty. It would do for now. At least until the match was over, and I felt safe to leave without being bothered. It was one of the barren rooms, with only a few tables and chairs to its name. It was probably used as storage room, when it was not being used for boxing matches. I took up residence in one of the chairs, and forced myself to try and relax. The match would last for a while yet, I needed to make myself comfortable in this room.

-

I made myself so comfortable, I could feel myself drifting off to sleep. My eyes were half-shut, with the lids heavy across them. My head was tilted back, resting against the lip of the chair. Despite the chill in the room, I felt warm. A warmth brought on by the balance between consciousness and dream. I was slowly teetering into the latter, ready to let sleep overcome me, when I heard a noise. 

At first, I thought nothing of it. I had been hearing noises on and off during my time in the room, and they meant nothing. There was probably just a littler of mice running through the walls. But, when I heard the noise again, slightly louder than before, I knew this noise was different. 

I was instantly awake, sitting straight up in my chair. I became sharply aware of everything around me. I listened intently for any noise that could be heard. Straining my ears, I just about heard the low murmur of the crowd, cheering on the boxing that would be in full swing by now. Other than that, it was quiet, unusually quiet. I would have expected to hear someone else loitering the hallways back here. Someone wanting an escape from the crowd. Someone rushing back and forth between the changing rooms. Someone making sure no one could sneak in. But there was nothing. There was not even the slight mumblings that anyone else was back here. The fact that it was silent put me on edge. More on edge than hearing another noise would have. 

I sighed, and leaned back in my chair. I had probably just imagined the noise in the first place. I let my eyes drift closed again, hoping to catch a nap before the match finished. But just as my eyelashes brushed the tops of my cheeks, the door to the room burst open. Three men ran into the room, guns held in their stretched-out arms. I jumped up from my chair. Thinking they were Tommy’s men, I was ready to flee the room with them. Perhaps something had gone wrong during the match, and the two opposing sides of the crowd had turned on each other. Or perhaps someone had invaded the warehouse, The Italians, the Police, any number of other enemies Tommy may have. 

However, as the men stepped closer to me, I got a better look at them. I recognised none of them. They were not Policemen. And they were certainly not Blinders. Based on what they were wearing, I could only make one guess at who they were. Italians. 

They had invaded the warehouse. But they had done it covertly. They had snuck in whilst everyone was distracted. They had someone sneak them inside. I felt sick. 

As they walked further into the room, they surrounded me on all sides. There was no possible way to escape. With no other option, I raised my hands to either side of my head. And I surrendered. 

One of them came up behind me, and poked me in the back, with what felt like the barrel of a gun. I stumbled forward at the force of it. The men around me laughed. I could feel my nostrils flare as I took in a heavy breath to keep myself calm. They had me now, there was no point in putting up a fight. The same man poked me in the back again, making sure I understood what they wanted. 

I followed the man in front out of the room. The other two stayed at the back of me. We walked down the corridor I had been in barely half an hour ago, in the opposite direction to the boxing match. They were taking me to a back exit. I prayed we passed someone along the way. 

But we did not. We did not come across another single soul as we walked towards the back of the building. There was no one on the outside, as we walked out into the open. There was no one on the short distance between the exit and the car. There was no one as the Italians put me in their car, and began to drive away. 

There was no one except me and the Italians. 

There was no one but me.


	17. Find Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And, we're back to Tommy's point of view!  
> I hope you enjoy the chapter, sorry for any errors.  
> Happy reading x

*TOMMY’S POINT OF VIEW* 

I walked through the building trying to hide the smirk on my face. The plan had gone perfectly. Everyone thought Arthur had been shot, murdered, killed by the Italians in cold blood. Those who could not be trusted with the true plan, had no idea Arthur was currently on his way into hiding. Travelling to one of our many garages in the area, to lay low for a day or two. Until the Italians thought we were going to surrender to them. Little did they know. They would be surrendering to us. The thought pleased me immensely. At least that would be one problem taken of. 

As I walked into my makeshift office for the evening, I was reminded of another problem brought to my attention earlier in the evening. Georgina’s policeman. 

He would be a problem if he was not dealt with quickly. And I felt all too happy to deal with him. A part of me wished I had been the one to deal with the man Georgina had first killed. I wished I had dealt with them all last year, gotten rid of the lot of them last year. As soon as she told me what they did to her, I should have destroyed any and all of them that had touched Georgina without her permission. 

Before I could think any further about Georgina, and the people who hurt her, my office door flew open. Considering she had done the same earlier, I expected to Georgina on the other side; hopefully coming to tell me some good news instead of bad, as was her prerogative. However, when I looked up I was surprised to see it was Polly stood before me. 

She looked flushed, as if she had just run here. Her eyes were still slightly bloodshot, reminding me of the tears she had shed earlier, on behalf of Arthur. She knew all about the plan though, so I doubted that was reason why more tears were filling her eyes now. 

“Pol? What is it?” I asked with as much emotion as I could muster. After the day we had had, I was drained, and I knew whatever she had to tell me, probably could not out do that. 

“It’s Georgina,” she replied, quickly gaining my full attention. 

“What about Georgina?” my mind immediately went to the Police. The filthy police who kept resurfacing, one by one, to try and bring Georgina back down again. 

“We think she’s been taken.” 

“You think?” 

“Arthur said he hadn’t seen since she came in looking for you earlier. He never saw her leave.” 

“That was hours ago,” I said, standing up, rushing to get my coat on. I turned my back on Polly to hurriedly shove my arms back into my coat. 

“Someone said they saw her…” Polly’s pause made me do the same. I finished shrugging my coat and turned to face her with an expectant look on my face. “They saw her leave with some men. The way they described them… they weren’t Blinder men…” 

“Whose men were they Pol?” I asked through gritted teeth. 

“Italians. They… They sounded like Italian men… Changretta’s men.” 

“Son of a bitch,” I shouted, punching the wall next to the doorframe. I saw Polly jump out of the corner of my eye, but I had no time to apologise for my outburst. I could not have controlled it anyway. It was instinctual. It was what I had done a year ago. After everyone had been taken from my house. After every new day that Georgina had not been released. After she came out and I saw the absolute hatred in her eyes. After she told me what happened to her inside. I punched the wall. I punched any available surface close to me. It was all I could do to release at least some, of the pent-up tension in me. It was all I could do to not let it consume me. 

I dropped my hand back down to my side, and stared at the space I had just punched for a moment. I could feel my hands, clenched into fists, shaking either side of me. I took in deep breath after deep breath. When it no longer felt like someone was sitting on my chest, I turned my head slightly, towards Polly. 

“Did this person say anything else? Do they know where they went?” 

“By the time they had chance to follow them, the car they were in was driving away. Georgina was inside. They couldn’t tell which way it had gone.” 

I could feel my breath pick-up again at Polly’s words. They had no idea where she had gone. They had no idea where she was now. They had no idea. How had the Italians even gotten into the building? How had they managed to slip back out with only one person noticing? How had they managed to Georgina from right under his nose? _How, how, how?_

“Tommy…” Polly whispered, placing her hand on my shoulder delicately. Acting as if I were horse that was easily spooked. I knocked her hand off immediately, with one jerk of my shoulder. I continued to stare at the one spot on the wall. 

I could only remember feeling like this a handful of times in my life. Two of those times had been when I watched two of the women I loved the most, die right in front of me. My mother and my wife. The other time had not been too long ago. It had preceded the events of last year, the lingering emotions from it had almost certainly powered my decisions around that time. When Charlie had been taken from me. From right under me. There was this emotion. This storm, circling throughout my body. Where I could not grasp onto one coherent thought. Where I had no idea how to make a plan to make it better. To make it right. Where I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. Where I could have been sick at any second from the whirlwind happening inside of me. 

To the outside world, to Polly, I probably looked as though I was just thinking hard about what I was going to do next. I probably looked as though I was formulating some sort of plan. But that could not be further from the truth. I had no idea, no plan. I had nothing. And for the first time I knew I needed to tell someone that. I knew I needed help with this. It was the only way I was going to get her back. 

I turned my head fully towards Polly. When our eyes connected, hers widened, probably able to read the pure desperation in mine. Her mouth gaped open, but no words came out. If it had been any other situation, I would have smirked. Rendering Polly speechless took a force of nature. From the emotions inside of me, I was not far off feeling like one. 

“We need to find her Pol,” I said, hearing my desperation seep into my voice. 

“We will Tommy. We’ll find her.” 

“We need to find her, before they do anything to her. We need to find her before she has to go through last year all over again.” 

As I spoke, my voice grew stronger. The look in Polly’s eyes turned harder, lethal. 

“And we will Tommy. They’ll die before they lay a hand on her like that. Trust me. I’ll them myself before they do.” 

I nodded at Polly, believing every word she spoke. Hell would freeze over before either of us allowed Georgina to be attacked again. Before either of us would stop at nothing to protect from the hurt she had already been through, again. I had let her down so much over the years. I refused to let her down again. I would stop at nothing to find her. I would stop at nothing to free her. I would save her this time. I would stop at nothing. 

\- 

Back in my home office, I stared straight ahead of me, blank eyes looking at the wall in front of me. All I could do was swirl my right index finger around the rim of a glass of whiskey, and try to think. 

It had been a few hours since Polly had told me about Georgina being taken, and no progress had been made. The Italians had left no trace of themselves, or where they may have been taking Georgina, behind. There was no sign they had even been in the building at all. 

After speaking to Polly, I had sought out the one person who claimed they saw Georgina leaving with the Italians. They had nothing different to tell me. All they had seen was Georgina being escorted from the building by some men. The way they had described them, I knew for certain they were not Blinder men. Polly had been right, they were Italian men. The thought of it again made me clench my free hand into a fist. I downed my glass of whiskey and slammed it back onto the table. I slammed my fist onto the desk after, needing to find some release for the anger that kept building, and building, inside of me. But slamming my things onto my desk did not feel like enough. 

I stared at my empty whiskey glass for a moment, before I picked it up and threw it across the room. I watched as it hit the wall and flew into a hundred tiny little shards, as it fell to the floor. I closed my eyes as I heard the smash of the crystal, feeling satisfied, even if just for a moment. Having something, a thing so unimportant, break in front of me, break because of my hand, helped calm some of the anger inside of me. 

I sighed heavily, and leant back in my chair, quickly coming down from my small adrenaline rush. Anger would not solve this problem, no matter how angry it was making me. I needed a clear head to think of a plan to help Georgina. But, every time I thought about where she was, and what might be happening to her, I could not stop the anger from bubbling to the surface and over-taking my body. 

A small part of me had thought about talking to the Police, thinking that even one or two more men on the case would help us find Georgina faster. But, that thought had left my mind as quickly as it had entered. I could do it without the help of the police. I could find Georgina without the help of the people who still wanted to hurt her. I would not be the reason the police were needed in Georgina's life again. I would make the sure the police were never a part of Georgina's life again. So, before I got her back, I knew there was one thing I needed to do first. One person I needed to pay a visit to. 

A small knock on my door shook me from my thoughts. 

"Come in," I sighed, running my hand across my face. I did not want to deal with anything else at the moment, but I knew I had to. Sometimes, like now, I hated the amount of responsibility I had given myself. I had no time to spend on one thing, on important things. People wanted too much from me, but it was my own fault. I could hardly complain, because it was my own doing. I had done it all to myself. 

However, I knew I had worried myself over nothing, when a small hand pushed open my office door, with a small head following. 

"Dad?" Charlie asked, rubbing one of his eyes, clearly having just woken up. 

"Charlie?" I was confused by his presence, but it was not unwelcome. If there was one thing I needed right now, it was to know that my son was safe. Knowing another important person in my life was not, I needed to know the most important one was. 

"Come here son," I said, after he did not reply to me. 

With some hesitance, Charlie made his way through the room to me. Once he stopped in front of me, I saw the scared look in his eyes. Thinking my own son was afraid to come to me, made my heart drop. Why had I done this? _How_ had I done this? I had gotten to a point where my own son was afraid to come to me during the night. So, how could I expect anyone else to come to me? 

"What are you doing up?" I asked him, tapping him on the nose. 

"I heard a noise, I thought you might be hurt," he mumbled in reply, still looking scared to talk to me. 

"Oh Charlie," I sighed. In a move that surprised us both, I reached out for Charlie, and pulled him into my lap. I cradled him in my arms, allowing his head to rest on my shoulder, as his chest draped across mine. I rubbed my hand up and down his back, in what I hoped was a soothing manner. I felt Charlie burrow himself further into my shoulder, allowing a small smile to quirk my lips up. 

"I'm not hurt Charlie, I was just angry. I'm sorry if I woke you," I said quietly, not wanting to disturb the small amount of peace that had taken over the room. 

"It's okay," Charlie replied through a yawn. I could feel his eyelashes flutter against my neck and knew he was fighting sleep to stay up with me. I continued to rub my hand up and down his back, hoping to continue lulling him into sleep. 

After a few minutes of silence, I thought Charlie had fallen asleep again, so I was surprised when he said my name. 

"Dad?" I hummed in response to his questioning tone, wondering what he was going to ask me. "When with George come and visit me again?" 

My hand involuntarily stopped moving when he asked his question, taking me further by surprise. That was nowhere what I thought he was going to say. I swallowed the lump in my throat, wondering how on earth I was meant to answer that question. Was I supposed to tell him the truth? Was I supposed to reveal the true horrors of my life to him? He would probably start to learn the truth about who his dad really was over the next few years, but I hoped to hold that off for as long as possible. Knowing there was no way I could tell Charlie the whole truth, I told him the closest thing to it. 

"Soon, son. Georgie will come and see you again soon." 

"Do you promise?" 

"Oh, I promise. I promise it more than anything," I whispered against Charlie's hairline, dropping a gentle kiss there, before leaning further back into my chair, trying to make us both comfortable. My hand resumed its small motions up and down his back as I did so, hoping now Charlie would fall back to sleep, and not ask any more difficult questions. 

I would find Georgina and bring her home, even if it as the last thing I did. I was not leaving her again. I would not let what happened last year, happen again. I just had to pray it had not happened again already.


	18. Not Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this story has gone a bit all over the place now, and I'm not really sure where I'm going with it, BUT I'm enjoying writing for it again, which I hope shows in the writing!  
> Also, we're back to Georgina's POV now  
> Hope you enjoy the chapter x

I could feel myself panicking. I knew if I began to panic, there would be no helping myself. I knew if I began to panic, all hope would be lost. I would not be able to form a coherent thought, a coherent plan, there would be no way of getting myself out of where I was. But I panicked anyway. I could not stop myself. 

I looked around the four walls that surrounded me, again, hoping to find something different. Hoping to find a way out of here. 

The men who had taken me, had not done anything to me yet. They had not even spoken to me since they had first taken me. The drive to building we were now in had been long, and quiet, and I had let myself fall asleep during journey. I had woken up when we stopped and had been led straight into this building; a run-down, house, in the middle of nowhere. I guessed we were just on the outskirts of Birmingham, but having fallen asleep, and not known how long I had slept for, we could have been on the other side of London for all I knew. 

Coming into the house, I had been led straight into this room, and had the door locked behind me. It was on the second floor of the house, making me guess it had been a bedroom once upon a time. However, the room was void of any objects, only the faint outlines of where furniture would have once stood. The one window in the room had been boarded up, either long before my arrival, or because of it, I was not sure. It caused the room to be shrouded in darkness, with my only light coming from the gaps between the boards on the window. It gave me a good guess on the time, with the light slowly getting dimer and dimer, I knew it had to be nearing night now. 

I hoped someone had noticed I was gone by now. Although, with the last person I had seen being Tommy, I did not have that much hope. I knew my lack of presence could go unseen for days. Tommy had seen me leave, in his eyes. As soon as I had left his office, I was gone to him, a secondary thought. And, with everyone else distracted by the boxing match, I could have slipped past them to leave the warehouse earlier in the day, no one would have noticed if I had or if I had not. 

No one knew I had decided to stay in the back, too scared to face the rowdy crowd. No one knew I had slipped into an empty room and fallen asleep. No one knew I had been there. No one would know I had been taken from there. 

I scratched my nails up and down my arms. I knew I was trapped here. And I knew it was unlikely that people would be looking for me yet. Sat on the floor, I tried to rock myself, to try and keep myself calm. It was a vain effort. Nothing would keep calm. Not until I got out of this room. 

It felt too familiar. It felt too much like another room I had been in. Another room where I had been trapped. Another room where no one had been coming to save me. Another room I knew had been surrounded by strange men. Men who could take whatever they wanted they from me, and easily would. 

I felt my breathing pick up as my mind easily made comparisons between this situation and last years. Everything felt the same. A different room, a different time, different men, perhaps. But still the same. The same feeling. The same sense of foreboding. The same pit in the bottom of my stomach. The same knowledge, that I knew what was coming. 

As much as I did not want it to happen before, I desperately did not want it to happen again. I knew if it did, I would not be able to cope with it. I barely coped last time. I was only just starting to string my life back together now. I was only just managing to cling onto my last shreds of sanity. If it happened again, I would lose it. If I thought I was a shell last year, I would be an empty husk this time. There would be nothing left of me, of my soul. It could not happen again. I could not let it happen again. 

In a further panicked state, my eyes darted all over the room, looking for something, anything, that could help me. A weapon, a strategy, a secret exit, anything. I needed something. I needed a lifeline to cling onto. 

I could not wait for anyone else to come and save me. I needed to save myself. 

Glancing around, I could not see anything visibly obvious that I could use. But, I began to wonder how secure the boards on the window were. If they had been here for years, they had probably begun to rot by now. I could probably pull them off with a few strong tugs, and hopefully use them to make some sort of weapon. 

With panic and adrenaline mixing in my veins, I quickly scrambled from my position on the floor. I remained stationary for a moment, listening for any sign of movement on the other side of the door. This plan would not work if I was interrupted straight away. 

Hearing no noise, except my own heavy breathing, I made my way to the window. 

The gaps between the boards was just wide enough for my fingers to slip through and bend slightly. I gave one small tug to how stiff the boards were. The one I pulled did not feel weak under my touch, but I had to keep trying. I tried again, pulling against the board harder, causing it to bend slightly at my efforts. I could feel it had some give now, so I pulled again, and again, putting all my energy behind the board. I could feel my fingers beginning to cramp at their odd position, and my arms begin to weaken at the strength I was trying to use. 

After a couple more attempts, I could feel my resolve begin to weaken. Sweat dotted my brow, and my breathing was coming out even heavier than before. But I refused to give up. I needed to get this board off. And I needed to get it of soon. Even though they had not been to check on me recently, I knew I was living on borrowed time. They were bound to come in sooner or later. I needed this board of now. 

With one final burst of energy, I put all my weight behind tugging on the board. I could feel my desperation mix in with all the other emotions I had flying about. I dug my fingers into the wood as I pulled, feeling the grain catch under my nails. 

With one last, desperate tug, I finally heard a crack, and the board give out under me. As I ripped it away from the window, it fell out of my hands, helping the blood rush back into my fingers. The split of the wood sounded loud to my ears, but I hoped it was not loud enough to catch anyone else's attention. But even if it did, I had done it now. All I needed to was make sure the piece that had broken off was sharp enough to hurt someone. 

I flexed my fingers as I made my towards the piece of wood I had cracked off the board, trying to get the blood flow back to normal as quickly as I could. I picked up the wood, to inspect what I had to work with, and found a decent sized chunk. It was about the size of a ruler, with uneven and jagged edges all the way up, thanks to the way it had spilt from the original piece. As I held it in my hand, I used the other to test how sharp the edges were. I pushed the tip of my index finger onto the longest point and gasped as it easily sliced through my skin. 

I pulled my finger off the end of the wood, and held it up as the trail of blood trickled down, across my hand and down my arm. The sight made tears mist over my eyes and begin to fall. The emotion was rush of relief, and exhaustion, with the adrenaline easily wearing off now I held some form of a weapon in my hand. But, as a I heard a distant set of footsteps make their way towards the room I was in, I knew I had to push my tears back, and quickly. If they were coming to check up on me, I had to be ready, and not overcome with emotion. There wold be time for me to cry later, when I was finally out of here. 

As I quickly got my tears under control, and readied myself with my wood baton, I heard a jingle of keys just outside my door. Whoever it was, was alone, as I heard no other footsteps besides his make their way up the hallway. If there was only one of them to deal with now, my attempt at escaping would be made easier. If I got one down now, I would be able to use whatever he had on him, to defend myself against the others. 

As the door swung open, light flooded the room, temporarily blinding me. I had to squint against the sudden brightness to make out who had just come through the door. I recognised him as one of the two who had taken me. I was not sure if any more people had come into the house, but I hoped it was just this one and his friends I had to deal with. 

He must not have seen me as he came into the room, as he called out for me, "come on, don't hide from me, I just want to talk to you." 

Using his distraction as a bonus, I was able to take him by surprise. I jumped up beside him, and hit him as hard as I could across the head, with my baton. He did not immediately fall, showing he was more stunned than anything, I hit him again. This time, I made sure the jagged edge was towards him, and whacked him once again, around his head. He was more than stunned now, as his body dropped to the floor with a slam, right in front of me. However, just to make sure, I hit him one more time on the back of his head, and watched as blood began to ooze out a cut I had created. 

I did not know whether to feel satisfaction or repulsion with myself. Either way, I had no real time to dwell on it, as I knew the sound of his body hitting the floor would have gained the attention of whoever else was in the house. 

Quickly dropping my piece of wood to the floor, I kneeled beside the now unconscious body, and began searching him for another weapon. I pushed him, so he was on his back, so I could feel the inside of his jacket pockets. Relief flooded me as my hand touched a gun, as soon as reached inside. I quickly pulled the gun out, and even though it was not one I was familiar with, I knew it would be the best thing to help me escape now. Surely, the end point of all guns were the same? Just pull the trigger, and fire. 

I got back to my feet, with the gun in hand, and made my way to leave the room. However, before I did so, I turned back to the unconscious body, and saw the set of keys he had used to open the door, beside him. As there was more than one key present, I knew one of them had to be for the car they had brought me in, and more hope flared up inside me. I had a real means of escaping now. Even if I did not know where we actually were, at least I could get in the car and drive away. 

I clutched the keys in one hand, and the gun in the other, and finally left the room behind. I already felt a sense of relief at that, having less reminders of last year was better. It made me feel stronger. I had no chance of saving myself last year. But now, I was getting out of here by myself, even if it was the last thing I did. 

Without stopping to think, I made my way through the hall, to the stairs, and down to the bottom floor. Not passing anyone else along the way, I hoped I could make it outside and to the car with now disruption. I hoped I could drive away without hurting anyone else. But, I knew no escapes were ever clean, and as I walked to where I remembered entering the house, I was quickly reminded of that. 

One of the other men who took me from the warehouse, crossed in front of my path. We were both shocked by the sudden meeting. He had clearly not heard the body fall, or if he did, he had thought it was mine rather than his friend's. He opened his mouth to say something to me, but before he could a shot rang through the air. It took me a minute to realise it had come from me. On instinct, I had fired the gun, the angle of it, causing the bullet to go through the man's arm. The force of it knocked him back, but not over, making me panic and fire the gun again. This time, as blood seeped through the fingers of where the man was clutching his arm, I shot him in the leg. It was enough to knock him off his feet and move him out of my way. 

Not wanting to stay and see who else was in the house with us, I took off in a sprint. I ran as fast as I could to the front door and scrambled to unlock it. My fingers were sliding all the place, trying to keep hold of the keys and the gun, whilst trying to undo the lock. With my adrenaline rushing back, and with panic seeping in at the edges, I did all I could to get the lock undone quickly. 

Soon enough, I felt the lock slide back, allowing to reach down and throw the door open; and without looking behind me, I ran out of the house as fast as I could. 

I stopped just outside for a moment, to look for the car. But as soon as I found it, I took off running again. Luckily, the car was unlocked, and I threw myself into the driver's seat as fast as I could. I tossed the gun onto the seat next to me and held up my sets of keys. I guessed the biggest one was the one for the car, having used a similar one on the few lessons Tommy had dared to give me. 

I stuck the key in the ignition, and started the car, just as the last man I guessed was in the house emerged. I paused, as I clutched the wheel and gear stick in my hand, taking in his furious expression. Our eyes locked for a moment, and I could not help but give him a smirk, as I pressed down on the pedals and swerved away from the house. 

I had no idea where I was going, but I had escaped. And I had done it all by myself.


	19. Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, this chapter took a turn I wasn't expecting. But, I like it, soooo, I hope you do to!   
> (sorry for any errors)  
> Much love, and happy reading xx

I had no idea where I was going, but at this point, I did not care. I was travelling down a country lane, having no idea which direction I was going, and no idea where I was going to end up. But the sense of freedom I felt was the best feeling in the world. I was not even feeling any guilt over what I had done to the men I had left behind. 

It helped ease the guilt of the men I had hurt before this as well. They had hurt me and felt no remorse. Why should I give them the same courtesy? Why had I felt any guilt in the first place? Just because I had spent a year not doing it, did not mean I should feel any guilt when I finally did so. Those men deserved what I did to them. They deserved even worse. They had done worse to me. And they would have done further damage had I not stopped them. 

Thinking back to the last man who had threatened me, and the way I had gone to Tommy for help, lit a fire under me. As soon as I got back to Small Heath, I had a job to do. Looking at the passenger seat, I knew I had the weapon to do it with. 

\- 

As I travelled down the next the next country road, I spotted a car coming towards me on the opposite side of the road. The car felt vaguely familiar to me. The shape, the colour, even the outline of the driver, all struck a chord in me. I knew it, I knew the person, I just did not know from where, or how. Squinting into the early evening darkness, I tried to make out who it was. 

As the car got closer and closer to me, I started it realise who it was. I had driven that car before, during my feeble attempt at being shown how to. I had been a passenger in that car, more times than I could remember. And the person driving it was someone I had known for nearly all my life. Thomas Shelby. 

Just as the car approached me, about to pass me, I slammed the brakes on mine. The force of my break slammed my body forward onto the steering wheel, taking the breath out of me. As my body fell back into its seat, I was able to spot the other car just ahead of me. It had stopped as well. Tommy was staring at me through his front window, in disbelief. 

Neither of us moved for a moment, taking each other us. I do not think either of us could believe what we were seeing. 

I felt such a sense of relief seeing Tommy's face. It told me that, even if I had not managed to get the board off the window, and get myself out, help had not been too far away. He had found out where we were somehow. He had found me. 

That thought sprung me into action, as I fumbled to get my door open. When I did, I pushed it open with enough force to bounce it back off the car and into me again. I pushed it again, getting it off me, and jumped from the car. Not bothering to shut it behind me, I left the door where it was and took off towards Tommy. 

He was stood by his car, waiting for me, as I ran to him. When I was close enough, I crashed my body into his, and wrapped my arms like vines around his neck. As soon as his arms caught me, circling me waist, I began to cry. I began to heave sobs like never before, unable to hold anything back. The emotion I was feeling was strong, too much for me to handle alone. I knew Tommy could handle it though, I knew he would not be afraid of it. 

"It's okay... I've got you... I've got you..." 

I heard Tommy mumble reassuring words into my hair. Even though I could not hear what he was saying clearly, they did their job, as I felt myself calming down slightly. The vibration of chest as he spoke was enough to do that though, giving me something else to focus on. Giving me an even feeling to counteract the racing thoughts I was having. 

After a few minutes, leaning against Tommy's chest, I felt my breathing fully even out. It evened out so much, I felt as though. I could fall asleep standing. But, before I could, Tommy pulled away from me, and led me round to the passenger side of his car. He opened the door, and gently pushed me to sit inside. As I did so, I watched as Tommy ran over to the car I had abandoned. He searched the inside for a moment, seemingly looking for anything incriminating. When he came up empty handed, he pulled the keys out of the ignition and came back over to me. 

As he got in his car, and shut the door behind him, he turned to look at me for a moment. "Let's get you home," he said, to which I could only nod my agreement. After he started the car, Tommy quickly turned it around, and took us on the road home. 

\- 

I must have dozed off, because the next thing I knew, Tommy was stopping the car in front of his house. His _real_ house. I opened my eyes to the shadow of his great house looming above us. I never would have called this place home, I had never in the past, and considering the memories I had here, I was unwilling to do it now. But I was glad he had brought us here, and not anywhere else. I could not deal with the overbearing presence of other people yet. I was happy for it to be just me and Tommy for now. 

Before I had the chance of getting out of the car by myself, Tommy was already opening my door and scooping me up into his arms. I went easily, too tired to put up a fight about not needing help. I gladly accepted it from Tommy, which surprised me. Either it only needed this one event, or the shock over what had happened, and what I had done, was finally setting in; but I could feel a change between us. Maybe there had never really a wall between us, just my hurt and stubbornness. 

I was feeling a level of trust come back for Tommy, that I had not been expecting yet. Maybe it was because I knew he had been coming for me this time, even though I had gotten myself out. He was on his way to me. He had found where we had been, which could not have been easy. It gave me some reassurance that he did care about me. That he would stop everything around him to come and find me. 

Tommy carried me through his house, but instead of taking me to his living room, or even a bedroom like I thought he would; Tommy came to a stop in his kitchen, and deposited me on his table. After he put me down, I could feel he was going to pull away from me, probably to get me something to eat and drink, but I did not want him to move. So, before he got too far, I reached out and pulled on Tommy's arm to stop him from walking away from me. 

"Don't leave me." 

"You need to eat something," Tommy replied. 

"I can eat later, I'm not hungry. I just want you to stay with me." 

I knew my clingy-ness surprised us both, but I did not care in that moment. I wanted Tommy with me, so I was going to make him stay. However, as Tommy stepped back in to my space again, he appeared just as relieved to have to turn his back on me, as I was. He stepped closer to me than before, fully entering my space, making me part my legs slightly to do so. He fit against me, like he belonged there, and it took me a minute to realise we had never stood this close to each other before. I had no excuse as to why in that moment, as we fit so perfectly together, like we had been doing this for years, not seconds. 

When Tommy had slotted himself into my space, he grasped my face in both of his hands, forcing me to look directly at him, directly into his eyes. He slid his hands down, until they rested against my neck. I could see him taking in every detail of my face, over and over again, checking to see if I had been hurt there. Trying to offer him some comfort, I reached an arm out to place on his bicep, allowing me to rub soothing circles through the fabric of his jacket. 

"Did they hurt you?" Tommy asked, with a desperation that surprised me. Whilst I knew he was worried, there was something else there, that took me a minute to understand. I knew what he was really asking, ' _how_ had they hurt me?' 

I made sure to keep our eyes connected, as I shook my head 'no'. He needed to see I understood what he was asking, and even though I had been worried about it, they had not touched me in the slightest. 

Tommy released a shaky breath, after I had answered, showing that the worry had been at the forefront of his mind. My lips twitched at that, somehow glad we shared the same worries. As Tommy breathed out, releasing some of the tension from his shoulders, he leaned forward. Keeping his hands on either side of neck, Tommy leaned in, until his forehead touched mine. I closed my eyes against the sensation of our skin touching, and heard Tommy take a deep breath in, as he decided not to move away. 

We stayed there a moment. Leaning against each other in silence. Taking each other in, when my eyes opened again. I was the first to break the silence, needing to speak my thoughts aloud. Needing to voice what was bubbling under my skin, and had been since I returned, if I were to be honest. 

"I don't want anyone to touch me without my permission again," I whispered to Tommy, causing him to tighten his hold on my head. 

"And no one will. Ever again. I will make sure of it." 

The power in Tommy's voice was enough to make me want to cry all over again. I believed he would make sure no one would ever hurt me again. I believed he would stop anyone who dared try. I believed him. And that made me feel powerful. 

"I want you to..." I drifted off softly, too embarrassed to finished my sentence. I looked down, as far as I could with Tommy's still holding my head against his. I could feel his intense stare still on me as I spoke, making my cheeks flare up, in what I knew would be a bright red colour. 

"You want me to what?" 

"I want you to touch me. I give you permission to touch me." 

"I am touching you," Tommy replied confused, not understanding my hidden meaning. I knew I had to look up again, so he could see the look I knew I had in my eyes. So he could see the feeling written so clearly on my face. 

"Tommy, I want you to touch me. Touch me everywhere," I repeated, with more obvious meaning. 

I watched Tommy swallow after I had finished speaking, making a soft smile turn up the corners of my lips. It was rare to stun a man like Tommy, but it appeared I had. 

"What are you saying?" 

"I think you know what I'm saying." 

A soft smile appeared on Tommy's lips now, as he leaned in closer to my face. He gently brushed his lips against mine, caressing them in the softest possible way. I closed my eyes at the sensation, revelling in the moment. 

Tommy pulled away slightly, making me open my eyes halfway. He was a breath away from me. It would be so easy for me to lean in and steal another kiss from him. But, I stopped myself, knowing he had pulled away for a reason. 

"Are you sure?" Tommy murmured, not wanting to break the moment between us. 

I nodded slowly as I spoke, "more sure than anything." 

Tommy stroked his thumb across my jaw for a minute, pausing to take in the look in my eyes. He must have liked what he saw, as he leaned in to me once again. 

Tommy's lips touched mine again, adding more pressure than before. There was much more intent behind his kiss this time. I could feel his want behind this kiss this time. 

Our noses brushed, as Tommy intensified and deepened the kiss. His grip on my head made sure I could not move away, not that I wanted to. This kiss felt even better than the last. It had not taken me by surprise, I could be involved from the start now. 

As Tommy brushed his thumb along my jaw again, he stopped against my chin. He gently stroked against my skin, encouraging me to part my lips slightly. As soon as I did, he pushed himself into my mouth, using the gentlest strokes to move our tongues together. At that sensation, I reached my hand out to steady myself against Tommy. I gripped the front lapel of his jacket, pulling him to me helping him surround every sense of me. 

I wanted the kiss to last forever. I wanted it to be me and Tommy, and no one else. I wanted us to be surrounded by, engulfed by, one another. But, as Tommy pulled away, I knew that could only be a dream and not a reality. 

We both breathed deeply as we parted, neither of us realising how long we had been attached. I kept my eyes closed as I tried to regulate my breaths, hoping the next kiss would not be far off. However, when I felt Tommy lean in to me again, he did not press his lips to mine. Instead, he placed a few delicate pecks along my cheek, until he reached the corner of my lips, where he pulled away from me. 

My eyes shot open, to see where he was going, but found he was not pulling away completely, merely just relaxing back from where I had brought him ever closer to me. I felt my brow furrow, as I looked at him, confused. 

In response, Tommy gave me a small smile, and smoother down the hair on top of my head. "Not tonight," he said, before leaning in to place another kiss, this time, on my forehead. 

I continued looking at him with my furrowed brow, as he leaned back again. He made no move to move away from me, so I was further confused by his actions. 

"Why?" 

Again, Tommy gave me a small, soft smile. "You have no idea how much it means to me that you trust me again, or at least, trust me enough to give me that side of you. But I don't want to take advantage of you. What you've been through today was tough, and I don’t want whatever might happen between us to be fuelled by that." 

"Tommy I..." I could not believe what he was saying. Was this the same Thomas Shelby before me? 

"I know, I don't know what's happened to me either," he said, with more mirth in his eyes than I had ever seen before. I had to share his small at that, glad we were both shocked by what he had said. 

"You have no idea how much I want you," Tommy continued, "but I want it to be when neither of us have this stress over our heads. I want it to be when all we can think about is each other, and not everything else happening around us." 

"I don't know if I can wait that long." 

"Me neither," Tommy laughed, "but we've waited long enough. I'm sure we can do it." 

I knew his words were not malicious. I knew he was not trying to remind me of all the years when he had chosen other women above me. So, I took the words for how he meant them. A promise. 

Who knew what tomorrow would bring, but tonight, I believed Tommy's promise. I believed he would follow through on it. And I believed when the time came, I would let him.


	20. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is all over the place, but also straightens a few things out.  
> Thank you so much to everyone who has commented recently, it really has given me inspiration and spurred me on to keep writing!  
> Hope you enjoy xx

After Tommy had finally managed to make us both something to eat and drink, he brought me into the living to try and relax. He set me up on his sofa, directly across from his fireplace, that he immediately lit up for me. He laid a blanket over me, surprising me with the fact that he actually owned one, before leaving me alone in the room. 

Tommy left, telling me he was going to ring to Polly. He needed to let her, and everyone, know the he had found me. A fact, I was starting to question myself. I had been in the middle of nowhere, no idea where I was myself, so how had Tommy been so close to finding me? How had he found himself on the exact road that would have led him straight to me? 

I stared into the flames of the fire, thinking over those questions, as I waited for Tommy to come back. 

I did not have to wait to long for his return. Before I knew it, Tommy was entering the room once again. He walked across the room with a worn down look on his face. But, as he came to sit next to me, he managed small smile in my direction. 

When Tommy approached me, he gently lifted my legs from where they were resting across the expanse of the sofa, before sweeping himself under them. After he sat, he placed my legs back down, over his lap, allowing the blanket to fall over both us. Encasing us in the warmth together. 

I could not take my eyes off Tommy, as he leaned his head back against the edge of the sofa and closed his eyes. I knew he was not trying to rest, as he continuously moved his hand up and down my leg in a soothing motion. But, he looked as though he was, as a peaceful look came over his face, making him look relaxed. It was the most at ease I had seen him since I had returned. My heart clenched at the thought. 

I did not want to break the silence covering us, enjoying that the only noise in the room was coming from the crackle of the fire across from us; but my questions were burning on the tip of my tongue. I had to get some answers. 

"How did you find me?" 

Tommy turned towards me at my questions but did not open his eyes. His hand continued its movement across my legs. 

"I didn't. You found me," Tommy replied, tiredness coating his voice. As profound as that answer was, I could not help but roll my eyes. 

"Tommy," I whined slightly, making him crack open his eyes to look at me, "you know what I mean," I finished gently, with a tilt of my head. 

After I finished speaking, Tommy shut his eyes again, and turned his head back against the edge of the sofa. He released a long breath. A moment of silence passed between us, making me think Tommy was not going to answer. I opened my mouth to repeat my question, but Tommy beat me to it. 

"I want to say it was planned. I want to tell you I knew exactly where I was going. That I knew I was within reach of you. But I didn't. I had no fucking idea. It was pure luck. I had been going up and down every back road I could think of. Every abandoned house I knew existed. I was going out of my mind." Tommy turned to look at me again. He opened his eyes fully this time, making sure to look me in the eye. 

"When I realised it was you behind the wheel of that car, I think my heart stopped. I thank whatever God is out there, that it was you. That you got yourself out, and our paths crossed. I wish I had been there to help you, so you didn't have to do whatever you have. But I should have known you'd get yourself out. You're strong enough to get out of anything. I think you’ve proved that." 

I felt tears line my eyes at Tommy's words. Tears that I knew would fall too easily if I let them. But, I held them in, trying to keep myself somewhat composed for now. Instead, I reached a hand out to grab hold of one of Tommy's. When I did, I gave it a strong squeeze, to let him know how grateful I was for his words. I was going to pull away after, but as I tried to, Tommy tightened his hold, keeping our hands locked together. Not wanting to separate us either, I did not fight him, choosing to drop our joined hands down onto my lap, holding them between us. 

Now, Tommy ran his thumb across my knuckles, in a soothing motion, as well as my legs, lulling us both into an even more relaxed state. His motions continued for several moments, as did the recurring silence between us. The only sound in the room once again, became the crackle of the fire, and our quiet breaths mingling between it. 

Tommy was the first to break the silence this time. Asking a question I presumed he had thinking about for a while. Made more obvious by the urgency in his tone. 

"Where were you?" 

"I don't know really. Somewhere on the outskirts of Birmingham, I think." 

"No." Tommy turned to face me, stopping his hand on my leg, but not stopping the rhythm of his thumb across my knuckles. "This past year. When you left, where did you go?" 

The question stumped me for a moment, as did the look in Tommy's eyes. He looked patient, and just as relaxed as when he had his eyes closed. I felt no pressure to answer him, knowing he would accept if I was unwilling to tell him. That made me want to tell him more though. It made me want to tell him everything. 

"I'm still not exactly sure where it was. But, it was a little village, not too far from here, and it was quiet, and peaceful. Nothing much happened there. No one bothered me. Compared to here, it could be seen as dull, boring," I took a deep breath, "but it was exactly what I needed. It made me feel like I could breathe again." 

I saw a look of guilt pass through Tommy's eyes, making me want to reassure him. "I don't want to make you feel bad, which is not something I thought I would say a month ago; but I did not realise how badly I needed that time away, until I was there. And it wasn't just time away from you, but it was from everything in Small Heath. From everything my life had become. What happened to me was the push I needed to do it. If it hadn't had happened, I know I would have stayed here, and continued the cycle over and over again. And that would have broken me. Much more than I had already become," I sighed, "but I think I've only just realised that. Even though I was still broken when I came back; I was much more whole than I had been. And after these past couple of weeks, I think I'm even better." 

I turned to look at Tommy again, finding my gaze had drifted away as I spoke. The look in his eyes was gentle, taking in every word I was saying. 

"There's still a lot of hurt here," I said, using our joined hands to gesture between us, "but I don't feel the hatred I did when I first came back. I don't blame you as much now... I know you didn't make those men do what they did. I know you were trying your best to get me out. I know you would have stopped them if you knew what they were doing. I know you weren't being selfish. I know you care about me." 

I squeezed Tommy's hand as I spoke, making sure he understood how much I meant what I was saying. 

"I do. I do care about you," Tommy replied, "probably more than I ever realised I did. You mean so much to me, and I don't think I ever truly showed you before. I took your feelings, your mere presence, for granted. And, not counting everything that happened last year, that's one of my biggest regrets in life." Tommy squeezed my hand back, making sure he held my gaze before continuing, "it took me a long time to realise, probably only even the last few days really. But I promise, from now on, I won't take you for granted anymore. I will make sure you know how much you mean to me, how much I value your presence in my life, and everyone else's. I could not do half the things I do without you by my side. A fact that was made blaringly obvious during your year away. I'm surprised I got any deals done, at all." 

Tommy's attempt at lightening the mood made me smile. I knew the openness we were sharing was unusual for him. Even when we had been close before, we had never spoken like this. Maybe these past few days had truly been the cause of the change within him. Either way, I was revelling in it, hoping it would last. It meant the world to me. 

"When Polly told me you had been taken," Tommy continued, turning to look away from me, "I felt my world shift. I have only felt like I did once before; and that was when Charlie was taken. It was different from you choosing to leave. I knew you needed to get away from me last year, and I was too wrapped up in myself to truly see what that meant for me. But, you being taken..." Tommy turned back to me, "I only just felt like I was getting you back... I couldn't lose you again... I can't lose you again. Not before I had the chance to gain your trust back. To show you I had changed." 

I could not tear my eyes away from Tommy as he spoke, engrossed in every word he was saying. 

"I don't know why I ever tried to fight it, we always come back to each other," I said. 

"No," Tommy's tone was harsh, "don't fucking say that. You needed to do that, you needed to get away from me. I was toxic... I still am," Tommy sighed, "But you leaving, and the way you were when you came back, made me realise what I had done, what I had been doing, for too fucking long. And it wasn't until you came to me, that night you killed that officer, that I realised how much I had missed your presence in my life. I blocked it out when you were gone. But, I need you in my life. I don't want you to go again." 

"I don't want to go again," I replied earnestly. "I have a lot I still need to work through, a lot I need to figure out in my head. But, I want to stay here and do that. I don't want to push you away to do that. I think, I still need you too... Not as desperately as I did before... but I do need you in my life. I do want you in my life." 

I was not going to lie. I knew I still had a lot to work through, with too many issues still blocking me from doing things. Even though I had hurt those men to get out of the house, and accepted why I had done it, it still was not any easier for my mind to deal with. I still had issue with the men I had killed since coming back, no matter how much they deserved what they got. There was still one man lingering at the back of my mind I knew I had to deal with. 

I also had the fear from the events last year hanging over me. The feeling that, whenever I left the house, someone was waiting for me. A feeling which would probably become worse, thanks to what I had just escaped from, before it got better. There was always a question behind every man I came into contact with; what did they want? What could, and would, they do to me? How badly would they hurt me this time? 

They were all obstacles I had to overcome, and would only overcome with time. But, just the feeling that I had Tommy's support, and care, already made me feel stronger. If there was something I could not do, something I could not face, I knew Tommy would face it for me, or help me face it myself. After tonight, I had no question over that. He would be there. He promised, and I believed. 

Tommy looked me in the eye again as I spoke, breathing out a sigh of relief when I finished. We both shared gentle smiles, before we both broke out into relieved laughter. 

"I think, we could talk around this all night," Tommy said, as our bout of laughter faded away. 

"We could." 

"But, I think the easiest thing to say is, we both want each other in our lives. This year has been hard. We've both got things we still need to work through, and I've still got a lot to prove to you. But, I don't think we have to push each other away to do that now. I think, we could even do it together." 

"Like we used to," I said, feeling a small part of heal at Tommy's words. Together. We could do it together. We would do it together. It was when we had stopped working together, that things went south. Tommy needed someone to talk ideas through with, someone who was not afraid to tell him if it was stupid, or wrong, or he would dive in at the deep end. Easily exampled by everything that had led up to the events of last year. We had not been a team then and look what happened. If we became a team again, imagine what we could accomplish. 

"I've missed you," I said after a few beats of silence, not knowing what else to say. 

"I've missed you too," Tommy said, with another gentle smile. I was glad he knew what I meant. We had been back in each other's lives again, but there had clearly been a wall between us. A wall that had been built before all the events from last year. A wall that had been invisible for so many years, we had never realised it had been there. But now, we were crashing through it. We had been tearing it down slowly, but we were knocking it down now. I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders now. I could breathe easier now. 

"Do you know what I've missed the most?" Tommy asked. 

"What?" I asked back, not helping the smile spreading across my face. 

"When you never called me Thomas," Tommy deadpanned. 

I laughed, easily understanding him. Calling him Thomas had helped me maintain my distance from him, helped maintain the wall between us. I had never called him that before, even when I was angry at him. 

"Really? I think I missed your guest beds the most," I said, enjoying the look that crossed over Tommy's face. He began to argue back with me then, both us trying to think of the most trivial things we had missed about each other. But we both knew what we had truly missed about each other. Everything. 

We talked and laughed for the rest of the night, neither of us paying attention to the time or the dwindling fire across from us. I only realised we had fallen asleep, when I woke up sometime during the early morning. Before I fell back to sleep, I looked down, feeling a pressure, and saw our hands were still tightly clasped together. I fell asleep again, with a small on my face, with that sight in my mind.


	21. Better Than Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't think it's the best chapter, but I think it's the longest!  
> Anyway, happy reading!! xx

Waking up properly the next morning, felt surreal. 

I woke up to find Tommy already awake, looking at me. Our hands had still been clasped together, but as I opened my eyes, I felt Tommy begin to pull them apart. At first, I was confused as to why, still enjoying the feeling of or palms pressed together. But, as Tommy used the same hand to reach out and push away some hair that had fallen onto my forehead, I understood his motives. Clearly wanting to keep us physically connected, Tommy did not immediately pull his hand away after he fixed my hair. Instead, he used his knuckles to caress down the side of my face, a motion that felt so full of care. My eyes closed on the sensation, before I let out a sigh of contentment. After a moment, I opened my eyes again, and found Tommy still staring at my face. We held eye contact as gentle smiles crossed both of our faces. 

I wish we could have stayed in that moment forever. Just the two of us locked in that moment for a lifetime. But, as much as I would have loved to stay in our little overnight bubble, I knew there was no way we could. We had gotten ready for the day as quickly as possible, to get ourselves into Tommy's car and back onto the road, knowing we both had things we needed to be getting one with. Charlie for one, who had spent the night away from Tommy for the first time in a while, so I knew even if he did not say it, Tommy wanted to check in with his son. I also wanted to see Charlie, already missing his cheeky smile, even having seen it a couple of days ago. 

I wanted to see Polly as well, or rather, Polly wanted to see me. Having heard I was safe over the phone last night, I knew she would want to see me in person just to see for herself that I was okay. I knew, like Tommy, she would want to ask me herself if they had done anything untoward to me, so she could read the look in my eyes to make sure I was telling the truth. 

However, Tommy also divulged some of his most recent plans to me last night, so I now knew Polly would need some extra support today; with Michael being sent away. With those plans, also came Tommy's extensive list of things to do today. A list, which we both hoped would get rid of the Italians in our city for good. With all of that, there was no conceivable way we could stay in our bubble, even if my heart longed for it. 

I was disappointed that I had not managed to help out more with the Italian problem, especially as it was the sole reason I had come back to Small Heath. But, as I spoke to Tommy last night, he reassured me it was something I should not be worrying over. We both knew I had too many other worries running around my mind, that there was no space for the Italians to enter. And I had helped in some way too, having killed two of them when they first arrived. Faces that were beginning to haunt me, less and less. 

Last night, before we fell asleep, we had also managed to touch on the topic of the policeman who had threatened me. A problem, I felt all too willing to sort out sooner, rather than later. Tommy told me he had a plan for that as well, but said he did not want to divest any of the details to me yet. I hope he did though, and soon. It was my problem more than his. I was grateful for his help and concern, along with anyone else he got involved, but it was my demon to lay to rest. It should be my hands that dealt with it. 

However, I tried to put that thought to the back of my mind for now, as we turned onto the street containing the Shelby offices, in Small Heath. This place was deemed the safest place for me for the day. It was where Tommy had told me to wait, with Charlie, and Polly, and the others who were not involved with his meetings for the day. 

When we entered the office, I could immediately hear children giggling. My eyes were easily drawn down to where Charlie was sat on the floor, playing with Karl. The two of them several toy soldiers, and horses, spread between them, talking to each other in their own language. The sight, and sound, instantly brought a smile to face; so wide it crinkled the corners of my eyes. 

The smile fell away when I turned to the rest of the room, but it did not completely disappear as I took in the others in the room. I found my company for the day was Polly and Ada, who were sat gossiping over tea together, on one of the desks in the room. There was no else in the room, not even anyone considered 'protection', which made me happy. I did not want or need another overbearing presence in the room; dealing with Polly would be enough. Besides, I knew we could look after ourselves, and the children, if it came to it. We were not fragile little women, at least not anymore. And I knew whatever meetings Tommy had planned for today would not require us to protect ourselves, this was just a precaution. I felt sorry for anyone who dared to try and come in here today. They would have no idea what faced them. 

"Morning," I said into the room, quickly gathering the attention of the two ladies in front of me. 

When Polly's eyes landed on me, she was straight out of her chair, making her way towards me. As soon as I was within reach, she stretched her arms out and enveloped me into her. Her grip on me was so tight, it took me breath away at first. But, I quickly fell into Polly's embrace, and evened my breathing out. Looking over Polly's shoulder, I saw that Ada had also approached us, watching us with gentle eyes. As our eyes connected, I gave Ada a smile, mouthing the word 'hi' in her direction. Ada's eyes lit up at my greeting, giggling slightly, as it felt like we were sharing a secret. 

A cough behind me, pulled me out of the moment I was in. With Tommy reminding the three of us of his presence, the other two women were pulled from the moment as well. Polly detached herself from me, as Ada and I broke our eye contact. Once I was free, I followed the other two, and turned to face Tommy. He was stood just on the threshold of the house, having only left enough room behind him to shut the door. He had a small smile on his face, and a fond look in his eyes as I turned to look at him, having clearly been watching the moment the three of us had been sharing. 

"Morning," Tommy said, echoing my words, with humour lacing his tone. He was obviously entertained by Polly's reaction at seeing me. 

"Dad!" A small voice broke out into the room, drawing all of our attention to Charlie, who was quickly making his way across the room to Tommy. 

Even though I did not think it was possible, Tommy's look grew fonder, as he took in the sight of son making his way towards him. Tommy bent down, with his arms open, to accept his son as soon as he reached him. As soon as Charlie reached him, Tommy folded him into his arms, and gently cupped the back of his head. Tommy quickly kissed the side of his son's head, before he began whispering to him. A sight that easily melted my heart. 

The father and son duo shared a few whispered words, as Tommy's eyes connected with mine over his son's shoulder. He spared me a gentle smile, before looking away to concentrate on what Charlie was telling him. That one look had me blushing, as from the feeling of two intense stares plastered on me, I knew Polly and Ada had seen, and taken note. I tried to ignore the pressure of their eyes though, and continued watching Tommy and Charlie's interaction. 

I had never seen Tommy act so gentle and delicate with Charlie before, even when he had been a baby. Tommy pushed some hair from Charlie's face, much like he had dne with me this morning. Tommy's attention did not waver from Charlie, taking in every word he was saying. It was nothing like I had ever seen before, giving me further hope that Tommy had begun to change for the better. 

Sighing, I finally looked away from the duo, to face the other duo in the room. Polly and Ada were back to gossiping with each other again, but quickly separated when they saw they had my attention. They both gave me smug smiles, and a raised eyebrow as they faced me. 

I rolled my head at their actions, but gently shook my head, hoping they would understand what I was silently saying. I would not mind answering whatever questions they had for me, but only when Tommy had left the room. Otherwise, I thought my body might self-combust from overheating. 

Thankfully, they appeared to understand, and neither of them asked me any questions. Which was just as well, as I heard Tommy send Charlie back to playing, before he made his way over to my side. As Tommy reached me, he gently placed his hand on the centre of my lower back, an action that immediately caught Polly and Ada's attention, if their narrowed eyes were anything to go by. 

"Can I trust you ladies to behave today?" Tommy asked, still with humour lacing his tone. 

All three of us rolled our eyes at his question, knowing too well he was merely trying to get a reaction out of us. Instead of answering, Polly asked a question of her own. 

"Have you spoken to Michael yet?" 

I could feel Tommy tense as Polly spoke. "No," he sighed, "he's the first stop on my list." 

Even though Tommy was speaking to Polly, he was looking at me. I gave him an encouraging smile as he spoke, knowing he was dreading the conversation he needed to have with Michael. The news he was being sent to America could bring out one of two reactions from Michael, and I knew we both feared it would be the more explosive one. But, he was going whether he liked it or not; there was a job over there that needed doing, and he was one of the few people I knew Tommy still trusted to the job right.  
Polly did not reply to Tommy but gave him a tight nod in acceptance. Tommy sighed at that, but did not say anything, knowing that was the best he was going to get. Instead, he turned to face me again. 

"I'll see you later?" He said but phrased it more as a question than a statement. I gave him an easy nod, already knowing I would want to see him again later. But, I also hoped he would need to see me again after the day he was about to have. Before he turned to leave, I saw a look of contemplation cross Tommy's face, before he quickly leaned into me and pecked my cheek. An instant blush spread across my cheeks at Tommy's innocent action, but we both ignored that, as Tommy bid farewell to the rest of the room and finally made his leave. 

I watched him go, and then, with a feeling of dread and a deep sigh, readied myself for the interrogation I knew I was about to receive. 

"What was that?" Ada immediately asked with a shriek. I checked behind me, and was happy to see Charlie and Karl still playing together, taking no notice of the three of us, or Ada's shrill question. Before I spoke, I slowly made my over to the table Polly and Ada were once again occupying, wanting to leave them both in some suspense. Although, I was instantly jumped on again, as soon as my back hit the chair. 

"So, I see you've forgiven him," Polly said, sounding much calmer than Ada, as if this was old news to her. As if she was expecting this. Her question earned a harsh stare from Ada, who probably wanted her Aunt to be as dramatic as her. I was somewhat grateful for Polly's reaction though, not wanting a whole drama to be created out of mine and Tommy's emerging situation; especially not with his son in the room. 

"I wouldn't say that," I started, "I haven't completely forgiven him, or easily forgiven him for the things I have. He's had to prove himself to me, and he still does..." The look Ada and Polly shared made me continue, "get those looks off your faces. Our friendship is just about healing. And that's only happened recently... He's started to show he cares. That he's there. That he actually wants me in his life. Come on, you saw him with Charlie, he's clearly different now. He does deserve a chance to show he's changed... you guys have all given him one, why is it questioned when I give him one?" I sighed in exasperation, "he's still got a lot to prove to me, especially if he wants what you guys clearly think he does..." I knew I was rambling, but I could not help myself. I felt like I had to justify everything that had happened between Tommy and I, in such a quick turnaround. Although, I was not sure if I was justifying to them, or to myself. 

Polly and Ada shared another look, infuriating me. 

"Stop doing that!" 

Now they shared smirks. 

Before I had the chance to further explain, or embarrass, myself, I heard a patter of small feet running towards us. I turned just in time to see Charlie running towards us, forcing himself to stop when he reached my chair. I turned myself away from the other two ladies at the table, immediately wanting to give Charlie my full attention. 

"George!" Charlie said my name with enthusiasm, I could not stop the large smile that spread across my face. 

"Charlie," I replied, trying to match his energy, "what can I do for you?" Charlie giggled as I tapped the end of his nose. 

"I was wondering," Charlie started, quickly turning shy, "if you wanted to come and play with me and Karl." 

My smile stretched further at Charlie's request. Before answering him, I looked over my shoulder at Polly and Ada, and found them already engrossed in each other again, completely ignoring myself and Charlie. Thank goodness. I was already tired of being their source of entertainment, for reasons I was not sure of. Seeing they were distracted, I quickly turned back to Charlie. 

"Do you know what Charlie?" I asked, leaning closer to him, "there is nothing I would love more." 

The way Charlie's face lit up at my answer, melted my heart. After I finished speaking, he immediately grabbed hold of one of my hands, and began pulling. Even though his pull was not nearly strong enough, I played along, and stumbled after Charlie as he lead me over to where he had abandoned Karl. He barely spared us a glance as we sat down next to him, too engrossed with the soldiers he was playing with. 

As soon as we were sat down, Charlie thrust a toy horse in my face and went about explaining the story he had constructed for himself. I followed along as best as I could, but generally sat back, and allowed the two boys to play together. Occasionally I could feel eyes on my back from across the room, but tried my best to ignore them, and stay in the moment with Charlie and Karl. 

Surprisingly I found myself having fun playing with the toy horses and soldiers, and based on their matching smiles I knew Charlie and Karl still were as well. Sitting on the floor of the office, making small horse noises, was the most content I had felt in a while. More content I had felt in years actually. I had thought we would fold back into how things had been before. But I was wrong. With the way I was feeling now, I knew things were going to be better than before. I would make sure they were.


	22. Something More?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three things:
> 
> 1) I have finally begun the prequel to this, and posted the first chapter, of Georgina on my Mind. I've now created a 'Shades of Blue' series, so you can find it under there, if you want to check it out!
> 
> 2) If you want a new, and excellent Peaky Blinders fic to read, please, please, please go and check out 'Soft on Rebellion' by 'youhaventmetme'! It is honestly one of the bests fics I've ever read, you will not regret reading it!
> 
> 3) This is such a short chapter, which I apologise for, but I wanted to get something up for you before I went away and wouldn't be posting anything for at least 2 weeks! I hope this is enough to tide you over, and hopefully I'll get fully back into the swing of writing/get inspired, after some time off/away!
> 
> Happy reading, and much love to you all! xx

"Can we finish our conversation now?" A voice asked from behind me as I was stirring my cup of tea. I turned, with tea in hand, to find Polly and Ada had joined me in the kitchen. They had not taken long to follow me, clearly eager to find out more information about Tommy and me. 

I had taken a break from playing with Charlie and Karl not too long ago. As much as I was having fun with them, they were both far too energetic for me to keep up with now. So, I excused myself to the kitchen, with the promise that I would come back when they were finished and read them a story. I thought that was a fair deal, and based on their eager nods, Charlie and Karl thought so as well. 

Having become too engrossed in playing with the boys, I had almost forgotten Polly and Ada were also in the office. When I had turned to look at them earlier, I thought they had forgotten about me as well, too engrossed in their gossip. But I was clearly wrong, as they stood before now, making their presence known. 

To be honest, I think I did need someone to talk about it with. A space to vent my feelings out loud. Not so much about now, and the way were now, but the future. Where might we be in the future? Where might we want to be in the future? Where I wanted to be, or where Tommy might want to be. If we wanted anything more than what we were balancing on right now. We had more than just ourselves to think about; a fact that I was continuously reminded of when playing with Charlie, and Karl. 

"What conversation?" I asked. 

Polly rolled her eyes, as Ada sighed. They both knew I knew what they were talking about, and they both knew I was being deliberately evasive. Just because I wanted someone to talk to about Tommy, did not mean I had to dive in at the deep end. 

"The conversation about what's really happening between you and Tommy," Ada asked, being her ever-blunt self. However, I still was not willing to play along easily. 

"What is really happening between me and Tommy," I asked innocently. Polly could see right through me though, and was clearly already tired of my evasion of their questions. She slammed her hands down on the kitchen table, startling both Ada and I. 

"Don't play coy with us girl. We know you. We know the both of you, and have done for a long time now. And we have never seen you look at each other the way you did this morning. Sure, you looked at Tommy with hearts in your eyes for years, but this morning wasn't that. This was something totally different." 

I blushed, overcome by Polly's words, because she was right. It was different. It felt different. 

"God, she's right. I have never seen Tommy the way he was this morning. The way he looked at you, the way he acted. I didn't know whether to cry because of it, or be sick... or both." 

I rolled my eyes at Ada's dramatics. Sure, I felt that Tommy had looked at me differently this morning, but just different to how he usually looks at me. I knew he had to have looked at other women the same way, if not more intently. His wife for one, the mother of his child. He must have looked at Grace in such a way. Such a meaningful, passionate way. Maybe Ada had never been around to witness that. I knew I had. 

I sighed, "I don't really know what's going on between us..." I paused at Ada and Polly's synched sighs. "No really. Like I said earlier, I think we're only just becoming friends again. We're only just beginning to trust each other again. I'm only just beginning to trust him again... If you were to ask if I saw anything more happening between us? In the future? I genuinely don't know. We just need to take it one step, one day, at a time at the moment..." I blushed again as I spoke, "maybe one day, we might get to a place where we could be something more. But that day is not today." 

"Something more?" Polly mumbled in question. 

"Yes. Something... more," I reiterated. Although, now that I properly thought about it, I was not sure what I wanted that something more to be. Being with Tommy, in a romantic sense, had always been something intangible. Something so out of reach it had always been a dream. But, now the idea of it was right in front of me, within reach, and I had no idea what to do about it. Sure, Tommy and I had shared kisses now, passionate moments in time that would stay with me for a long time. But, the thought of anything else, physical or not, made me feel anxious. I was thankful Tommy had stopped me when I tried to go further last night, knowing now I would have regretted anything that happened. In the light of day, the idea of crossing that line with Tommy, was scary. 

We had always known where we stood with each other, and whilst it may have broken my heart in the past, it was always a comfortable place to be. It had been easy in the past, even though it hurt. Crossing that line would be hard, and it would ultimately change everything. Not just for ourselves either. The whole Shelby clan would be affected by a change in our dynamic. Even though I had wanted that change for so long, it was hard to comprehend now that I could actually have it. I had never thought further than fantasy about it, because that was all it could have been in the past. But it was here now, real, and so close I could feel it. How was I meant to deal with that? How were we meant to make that change? 

What did something more even mean? Would we gradually transition into it, or would it happen all at once? Did it mean we would cross that boundary in a physical or romantic sense, or both? Would we have a relationship, a real relationship? Or would we continue down the same road we were currently on? 

There were too many questions, and thoughts to comprehend at the moment. I had no idea how to process it all. With a sigh, I sat down at the kitchen table; sloshing my tea over the sides of my cup as I did so. 

"Whatever something more even means..." I mumbled, ignoring the look Ada and Polly shared. 

"Well..." I heard Ada say tentatively as she sat down at the table, next to me, with Polly quickly following. "What did you always imagine would happen? When you thought about it?" 

"Ada," Polly admonished lightly, clearly understanding the reference to my former infatuation. I smiled softly at the tone, but we all knew it was true. It was no secret to anyone here how I used to feel about Tommy, and what my daydreams used to centre around. 

"A life," I sighed again. "I used to think of a life Tommy and I could have together. That after a few more years of building business, we'd finally come together, and admit how we felt about each other. We'd move to some piece of land, just outside of Small Heath. Far away enough to have privacy, but close enough to be able to see everyone regularly, and still check-up on the business. I imagined we'd settle down, get married, and start a family. And I imagined that would be enough for Tommy." 

I looked as I finished speaking, to find both Ada and Polly looking at me with wistful, if not broken looks on their faces. I'm sure they had imagined lives that like for themselves at a time. A dream life that we all wanted, but we all knew we could not have. 

Looking down, I made my last confession, "I imagined we'd be something more." 

There was a beat of silence, before anyone said anything. Polly reached out, to place her hand on top of mine, as she broke the silence. 

"And you still can sweetheart," Polly said softly. I looked up to see her directing soft smile towards me, which I returned with a grateful one of my own. I appreciated her words but did not think they were relevant. We would never have the life I imagined, not after everything that had happened. There was no way we could gloss over the past. 

But maybe... Maybe we could make the best of everything, and have a life that was even better than I imagined. 

\- 

Tommy did not return to the house until much later in the evening. I did not know how long he had been back when I first saw him. I did not hear him come in the house, so he could have been stood where he was for a while, before I saw him. I only looked up by chance when I saw him, leaning casually against the doorframe to the bedroom I as in, with a fond look on his face. He was not smiling, but the emotion shone through his eyes. 

Tommy had found me coming to end of the story I was reading to Charlie, with me sat with on the edge of the bed where Charlie lay. He had long been asleep, but I thought it best to finish the story, just in case. I made sure to keep stroking his hair from where he was laid out next me, knowing how comforting he found that movement, hoping that would make sure he would stay sleeping peacefully. However, I had nothing to worry about, as the end of the story was interrupted by me stuttering over Tommy's sudden appearance, Charlie did not stir. I breathed a sigh of relief. 

Ada had stolen Karl back, a few stories ago, after I had kept my promise to the boys, and more. We had read nearly every child-friendly book we could find in the house; which was not many, but brought back more memories than I thought it would. 

After I recovered from my shock at seeing him, I gave Tommy a gentle smile. As he returned it, finally allowing a small smile to grace his face, I raised my eyebrows in question. I was silently asking how today had gone, and based on the tired nod, and accompanying sigh, I knew it had gone as well as expected. That was all I needed to know for now, knowing I could find out all the details later. 

Without saying anything, I nodded my head in the direction of the bed, inviting Tommy to join me and his son. He quickly accepted the request, and rounded the bed to lay down next to Charlie, sandwiching him between us. As soon as Tommy was settled, I began reading the book once again, needing to complete the story for myself rather than anyone else. 

However, when I looked back down to check on Tommy after a couple of pages, I found his eyes were as tightly shut as his son's, with his face mirroring the same relaxed expression. I only knew for certain he was asleep, when I heard how even his breathing had become, a state of calm Tommy never managed to replicate when he was awake. 

The sight below me, warmed my heart, and filled some cracks I had no idea were empty. It made me feel a lightness in my chest that I had not felt in a while, if ever. It felt like so much more than anything I had felt before. I hoped it was not the last time I felt it, already becoming used to the warm feeling taking over me. I wanted to feel this way for a long time. I wanted to feel this way forever.


	23. What Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, I'm back, and hopefully better than ever! I really needed the time I had off, because I was really losing my will and inspiration to do any writing; but now I feel more than ready to start writing again, soooo, here is the new chapter. And, considering how short (and rubbish), the last chapter was, here is a nice long one for you to enjoy! 
> 
> Also, as it is the anniversary of the Manchester attack today, an attack which affected me personally, I just want to take this time to spread some love and positivity to all of you! I hope you're having a great day, and if not, I hope it gets better, or is at least somewhat improved by you taking some time out of your day to sit down and read this new chapter, preferably with a cup of tea and a biscuit! 
> 
> It feels goods to be back, much love to you all xxxx

To put it mildly, things had begun to calm down in the days following. Tommy still had yet to explain everything that had happened on the day he left me with Ada and Polly. I knew some of what had taken place, mainly regarding his reasons, and subsequent decision, to send Michael to America. But, I had not been informed of any of the other details of the day. All I knew now was that Arthur was actually still alive, and still causing Linda's headaches. Although, I only found out about it within the same hour of his sudden resurrection, his death had merely been a ruse. 

I needed to know more. I needed to know everything. Which was why I was currently making my way back to Tommy's home. His real home, in the country. His home that still held difficult memories for me, no matter how hard I tried to push that feeling away. 

I had not seen Tommy since the other night, where he had fallen asleep next to Charlie, whilst I finished reading them my story. The next morning, Tommy had been quick leave, eager to get himself and Charlie back home. Back to their normality. Back to whatever routine they had scrambled together over the years. 

As they had left, Polly suggested Tommy could actually take some time off now. Since there appeared to be no threat handing over us, it was the perfect time for him. That suggestion had led to me avoiding, or stalling, my visit, hoping that would spur Tommy into listening to Aunt's advice. Everyone knew he needed time off, and I knew if I went over to the house immediately, Tommy would have used it as an excuse to continue working. He would have told himself it was because was there, rather than his own obsessive need to keep check of everything, and everyone. 

However, going now, had given Tommy time alone to relax. To hopefully give him and Charlie some time alone together. To give Tommy the chance to act more like he had the other day with Charlie. Like a loving, caring father; rather than the controlling, emotionless, business he had only shown the rest of the world so far. That was the only type of man Charlie had seen his father being until now, and that needed to change. 

I took a deep breath as I approached Tommy's front door and let myself in. I was too tired, too overwhelmed, to notice the other night, but I could feel it no. The eeriness of the house creeping over me, the lingering memories coming back to haunt me. None of the memories I had in this house were good ones, even the ones from before last year. It was when he moved here that Tommy truly began to pull away. From me. From everyone. 

I was trying my best to move on from the memories in this house now. When I made the decision to start forgiving Tommy, I knew I could not allow the memories of this house to haunt me anymore, or they would ruin any progress we tried to make, before we had made it. But, that was easier said than done. 

Standing in the entrance hall I could almost hear the commotion of last year echoing around me. I could almost feel the ghost of the police pushing past me, pushing into me, pushing me against the wall. I could almost feel the numbness of the moment washing over me again, the moment I accepted defeat sinking in. The echoes of the voices around me were hard to ignore. Remembering the way John and Arthur argued with the police; the way Polly pleaded with them to take her and not Michael; the way Esme screamed at Tommy to do something, anything. The clearest thing I could remember though, was the silence. The silence of my mind. The silence of Tommy. 

I shook my head, knowing I had to stop those thoughts before the took over me. It happened less now, but it still happened sometimes. Moments where I lost myself, frozen in another time. They were all memories now, I had remind myself, figments of my imagination. The smashing of glass truly brought my focus back to the present. That was definitely not my imagination. That was Tommy. 

Without waiting for anyone else to go past, I ran down the corridor in the direction of the noise. I reached Tommy's office in no time. My hand hesitated over the doorknob, still not over my time lapse in memories. I had to push through it, especially seeing as no one else had come to the office at the noise. Something was wrong if the staff were able to easily brush the noise I heard aside. What was Tommy doing now? Without knocking, I let myself into the room, holding back a gasp at what I found. 

Entering the room, I expected to find Tommy sat behind his desk; pouring himself over paperwork. I assumed the smashed glass was due to annoyance over work, guessing Tommy had ignored the suggestion to take some time off. However, I was more than surprised to find Tommy kneeling on the floor in front of the large window in his office. He looked the most unkempt I had ever seen him as he held his face in his hands. His shirt was creased, and looked buttoned wrong; haphazardly tucked into his trousers, which had also not been done up correctly. His hair looked greasy, and the air had a staleness to it that told me head probably not left this office since he returned. 

Firstly, my mind went straight to Charlie, wondering where he was. Who had been looking after him, if Tommy had been like this? Had he actually seen his father like this? I quickly shook my head at that though. I knew Tommy would make sure no one saw him like this, especially his son. So then, my mind became over-active with worry for Tommy. What had happened? What had caused Tommy to become such a state? I thought we were over everything now. I thought we were in the clear. What had happened to gain this reaction from him? How had things deteriorated so drastically in so few days? 

Knowing he would not want anyone else to see him like this, to even catch a glimpse of him in this way, I quickly shut the door behind me. The sound of it seemed to be enough to catch Tommy's attention, as when I turned back to look at him, Tommy had lowered his hands, and turned to look back at me. The sight of his face, made me hold back another gasp. He looked awful. His eyes were bloodshot, and watery, as if he had been crying. He had deep purple bruises under his eyes, deeper than I had seen in years. As deep as when he had come home from the war. In fact, his face, his whole demeanour, reminded me of when he came back from the war. My heart clenched, realising what had caused this deep-rooted emotion. 

The reason Tommy never took off was because business had always been his best distraction. It took his mind somewhere else, it forced his mind to focus on one thing, and one thing only. Ever since the war, he was always on the move; always planning, plotting; always on the go. He told me once it helped calm his thoughts. If he was thinking about business, strategy, it meant he was not thinking about anything else. Things that made his brain go a mile a minute. As the years wore on, and his experiences got worse, and his life got more traumatic, more disjointed; the harder he worked. He worked until it became his life. Until he had no separate thoughts, no separate life. Work was his life, and his life was his work. He never allowed himself to think about anything else; to give himself the time to process anything that happened to him. The woman he loved left, and he worked. The woman he loved remarried, and he worked. The woman he loved died, and he worked. His whole family left, and he worked. His brother died, and he worked. 

It was all catching up to him now though. Probably to a point that was so overwhelming he had no way to cope. All he had was a spilling over of emotion, where it came out as a physical show of anger, rather than anything constructive. I had been through something similar, except mine had been a physical show of anger towards myself, not an inanimate object. Mine had spilled over from a place of confusion, and pain, and misplaced anger. I had no other way to show my emotion, other than trying to hurt myself, to end my life. I hoped I had arrived at the right time here, before Tommy's emotion turned into mine. Before I had to be the one to pull him out of the bath. 

Taking in his appearance again, I quickly strode over to Tommy, and knelt on the floor next to him. However, before I had the chance to do anything, Tommy was reaching out for me. He pulled me into him, so he could fit his head between the crook where my neck met my shoulder. He nuzzled his head into that spot and breathed in deeply. Only then did I come to my senses, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, pulling him into me tighter; making sure he knew he was secure in my hold. 

After a couple of minutes, I felt Tommy's lips brush against my skin, as he started to speak. As he started to say the same words over and over again. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." 

My brow creased in worry, as I gently rubbed my hand up and down his back, trying to soothe him as best I could. I knew there was no response I could give to help him feel better. This was something he needed to get out of his system. I rested my head on top of his as I tried to shush him, occasionally dropping gentle kisses against his hair line. All I could do was wait as he got apology after apology out of his system. 

I felt somewhat guilty after each apology, as I felt a weight lift off my chest with each one. Every 'I'm sorry' made me feel lighter than before. I knew it was because I believed him this time. I believed he was truly sorry now. I _knew_ he was sorry now. 

\- 

Somehow, I managed to get myself and Tommy over to his settee, allowing us to be more comfortable. Even though I was still the one trying to comfort Tommy, we had ended up replicating our positions from the other night. We had a blanket stretched across us, with my legs in Tommy's lap. The only thing missing was the roaring fire we had the other night, but we did not need it. 

Tommy had his head languidly resting on the back of the settee, with his eyes shut, looking peaceful. I had my arm stretched out, helping me reach the top of Tommy's head, where I was gently running my fingers through his hair. From the occasional hum he emitted, I knew he was enjoying my movements. I knew I had managed to relax him. 

I was reluctant to break the peaceful silence between us, but with so many unanswered questions circling my mind, I knew I had to. I took one last, long, look at Tommy's relaxed state, taking a deep breath, before I opened my mouth. 

"What... what happened? The other day?" I asked, already looking away to avoid any eye contact with Tommy. 

I felt Tommy shift beside me, no doubt lifting his head to look at me. He did not answer me straight away though. After a moment of silence, I felt Tommy's hand brush against the one in my lap. I brought my eyes far enough up to look at what he was doing. When he saw he had my attention, he curled his fingers around mine, essentially trapping my fingers together. He began to brush his thumb against my knuckles, making me relaxed enough to realise I had been tense. I took another deep breath, and finally turned my eyes up to look directly into Tommy's eyes again. He seemed to be waiting for me to do so before he spoke. 

"I don't want you to be afraid to me questions like that again, okay?" Tommy's said first, catching me off guard. 

All I could do was nod in response. I had not even recognised I was afraid asking the question, until he made me relax. I do not know why I was afraid. Clearly, there were still some lingering feelings, lingering fears, that he might do something unexpected again in response. It would take time for that fear to truly disappear. However, taking in the earnest look on Tommy's face, I knew the fear would disappear, eventually. 

Tommy took a deep breath before speaking again, "we... took care of everything... everything we should have done from the start." 

"We?" 

"Me," Tommy stated, making me give him a look "...and Finn, Isiah, a couple of the other boys... Michael, in his own way... and... and Arthur," he smiled on his brother's name. 

"So, he's alive?" I asked with a smirk. 

"Yes, he's alive, very much alive. It'll take a lot more than an Italian to kill Arthur." 

I huffed a laugh at Tommy's words. It would probably take more than bullets to see Arthur off. 

"So, it's all done? They've all gone?" 

"It appears so." 

I breathed out at the same time as Tommy. The whole thing felt very anti-climatic. Probably because I really had nothing to do with it, except for the one occasion. The Italian were the reasons I came back to Small Heath in the first place; and whilst that had been awful to begin with, it was different no. Now... I was sat in a room, alone with Tommy, holding his hand, making him calm; a picture I could have never imagined happening again. 

I hated the Italians, there was no doubt about that. But, they bridged a gap I would not have been able to alone, without a push. So, for that, there was a small part of me that was grateful for their appearance. A very small part. I do believe now that a reunion between me and the Shelby's would have happened at some point in the future; the threat the Italians posed to us had just sped the process along. 

"So... what now?" I asked. 

It was a valid question. We had no threats, no hidden secrets, no looming stand-offs, no darkness, except greif. That had no happened in a while. There was always something, always business, always pushing. What were we meant to do without that? What lives did we have to lead? Were we just meant to come to terms with everything that had happened over the years? Remember those we had lost? Remember what we had almost lost? That sounded too morbid. And, based on the state I found Tommy in, too overwhelming. We needed something else. 

We needed happiness. We needed peace. 

Tommy breathed deeply, "what now?" he repeated, "what a question." 

The look in his eyes countered the seriousness of the question. There was a twinkle in them I had never seen before. It made me feel hot and cold at the same time. It made me feel like a teenage girl again. However, I as very aware I was not one, so I made sure to keep my hopes down. Whatever happened next, we still had a lot to work through, a lot of mountains to climb. I knew we could do it together now, but it would not be easy. 

Tommy gently picked up my hand he was holding, and brought it to his lips. He softly pressed his lips against the palm of my hand, sending a shiver through me, and bringing a reluctant smile to my lips. My thoughts had made me lips curl downwards, but it was a testament to how our relationship had come, that Tommy could so easily curl them back up again. 

"Is there... is there anybody else?" I asked sheepishly, hoping Tommy would understand what I was asking. 

"Anybody else?" He sounded confused. I rolled my eyes. 

"You know, anyone else," I raised my eyebrows, trying again, but when Tommy continued looking confused, I knew I had to be less subtle. "Lizzie? Jessie? Any other women out there?" 

Realisation flashed across Tommy's face, before smirk took its place. I huffed a sigh, only making Tommy's smirk more prominent. I tried to pull my hand away at that, but Tommy's grip got stronger, making sure I could not move away. 

"There's no one else," Tommy said, making me look at him indignantly. "I promise, there's no one." I remained silent. "Lizzie's gone, forever hopefully. And Jessie... Jessie was a means to an end. We kissed, but... I couldn't do anything else," Tommy's tone was serious as he made sure to catch my eye, "I couldn't stop thinking about you, and... and I felt guilty. That's never happened before." I raised a brow. "Something feels different now. I'm different now. So, no. There's no one else." 

Miraculously, I believed him. I truly believed there was no one else. And that belief, settled something in my chest. It felt like every chapter on the past few years had been closed by those words. It felt like we could just be now. Without worry, or paranoia. It felt like we _could_ do anything together now. It felt like our future was full of hope. 

Maybe that is what we had now. Hope. We had never had that before. It felt wonderful.


	24. Nerves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this has been a long time coming, and I am truly sorry for keeping whoever's waiting, waiting; but this chapter has been a struggle to write and I'm just thankful I have finally written and posted it!
> 
> I apologise now if the next chapter takes just as long to get posted, but I hope you enjoy this one in the meantime. Much love and happy reading xx

“What are you doing tomorrow night?” someone asked, coming up behind me. 

I turned in my chair. I was seated at my old desk in the Shelby Company offices, trying to comprehend what had happened in my year away; and how we were meant to carry on as normal again. I found Tommy strolling out of his office, making a beeline towards where I was sat. I smiled as I took in his appearance. He looked very handsome today, which was true on most days, but it felt different today. He looked relaxed, calm, which made him all the more attractive. He no longer looked weighed down by the world. 

“I’ll probably be sat right here, still trying to get my head around all of this,” I said, gesturing to the paperwork piled high on my desk. Whoever filled in for me this past year had done a good job, but nowhere near as good as I had done. I felt confident enough to admit that to myself. 

“Well... as your boss, I would never let you do that,” Tommy said. 

“Really?” I asked, sceptical, raising an eyebrow. He had left me all night in this office too many times to count. Tommy coughed at my question, remembering the same things as me. 

“And as your friend,” my other eyebrow raised, “I was wondering if you’d like to come out with me tomorrow?” 

“Out?” 

“Out... to a nice restaurant...” Tommy reached his hand up to rub the back of his neck. I had never seen him this bashful before. It was sweet; a word I never thought I would use to describe Thomas Shelby. When I did not answer, Tommy crouched down next to me. 

“I just thought we could spend some time alone... catch up properly,” as he spoke, he reached his hand out to rest it against my knee. His thumb gently smoothed against me, causing me to blush. 

“Okay,” I replied, ducking my head, “that sounds nice.” 

“Okay,” Tommy echoed, as a small smile came across his lips, “okay.” Tommy stood up straight again, “I’ll pick you up around six. From here?” Tommy pointed to the floor. 

“From Polly’s,” I told him, catching his eye. 

“Polly’s?” 

“Yeah, I’m staying with her for a bit. It's god company for us both, rather than living alone. I think Ada might join us with Karl actually.” 

“Oh God, that’ll be fun for us won’t it? All the hens in one house,” Tommy said dramatically. 

“You mean all the woman who’ll freely cook, clean and babysit for you?” I quipped back. 

“No, I mean all the women who’ll nag and moan at me whenever I stop by.” 

“Oh hush,” I admonished, gently pushing him away from me. He smiled again. 

“Okay, okay,” Tommy held his hands up, “I’ll pick you up at Polly’s, at six, tomorrow?” 

I nodded in reply. I could feel a blush rising on my cheeks again at Tommy’s intense stare. 

“Good,” Tommy said, punctuating himself with a nod. Before Tommy left, he quickly bent down and gently pressed a kiss to the side of my head. The look he gave me as he walked away made sure I thought of nothing else all day. 

\- 

I was a bundle of nerves getting dressed. It took me much longer than usual to get ready. And now I could barely fasten my necklace my hands were shaking so much. After many failed attempts, I sighed and gave in. I decided to go downstairs to ask Polly or Ada to help me. 

I do not know why I was so nervous. It was just Tommy. Just me and Tommy. Alone. We had been alone before, we had even recently begun to kiss on those occasions. This evening did feel more serious somehow. Maybe because this was planned. I had been given time to make myself nervous. All our recent times alone had been spur of the moment. There had been no time to think about anything, it just happened. However, now I had been given time to think about every possible outcome to this evening. All of them made me nervous. 

“Polly,” I called out as I reached the bottom of the stairs, “Ada?” 

“In here,” came a voice from the dining room. 

I walked into the room to find Polly, Ada and Karl sat around the table, with cards spread out in front of them. The whole scene felt very domestic. There as familiarity to it that brought a warm feeling to my chest, and a smile to my face. I got swept up in the feeling for a moment. I did not realise I had not spoken until Polly called out my name. 

“Sorry,” I said, shaking my head out of the moment. 

“It’s alright love,” Polly said, a small smile covering her lips. She had a glint in her eye that told me she knew what I was thinking. 

“You look beautiful,” Ada exclaimed, pulling both Polly and I away from our moment. 

I blushed, and ducked my head. I pretended to pluck some fluff off my dress, as if I was inspecting it again. I was worried I had gone too fancy, but with no clue as to where Tommy was taking us, I had no idea what to wear. I had decided on a floor length, mint green dress. It was simple to look at, with no embellishments on, but it could be made to elegant. However, it could made casual, especially with short sleeve design of it. Based on the way he asked me, and how much I knew about him, I guessed Tommy would not just be taking us to The Garrison, so this dress should be suitable. 

I felt Polly grab my hands, pulling me out of my thoughts again. 

“You _do_ look beautiful love.” 

“Thank you,” I said quietly, freeing a hand to brush some hair behind my ear. I was never used to receiving compliments, and it appeared I still was not. I cleared my throat, trying to clear my embarrassment. I needed to distract the two ladies from appearance for a moment. 

“Could one of you help with my necklace?” I asked, dangling my necklace in front of me. Polly immediately jumped up. 

“Of course my love.” 

Polly took my necklace and swung it round my neck. She went to stand behind to clip it together. As she pulled my hair out of the way, to see better, there was a knock at the door. 

“Oh, I’ll get it,” Ada said, throwing a smirk in my direction as she hastily stood and went out to the door. 

As Polly finished fastening my necklace, I repeatedly smoothed down the front of my dress. It was a vain attempt to try and steady my hands. But, it did not work. I took breath after deep breath to see if that helped. But, that did not work either. I caught Polly’s eyes as she circled round to stand in front of me again, and I could not help but let a small, nervous giggle escape. 

“You need to calm down, it’s only Tommy,” Polly said, picking up my shaking hands. 

“I know, I know, but I can’t help it. I feel like a little schoolgirl again.” 

Polly’s expression turned soft as she looked at me. “You have nothing to worry about darling.” I blushed as Polly tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, “you look beautiful.” 

“You do,” a gruff voice said behind me, making me jump slightly in my place. It was Tommy. I turned to look at him, and found he looked just as, if not more, beautiful. I knew he would not appreciate that compliment, so I let my wandering eyes do the talking. 

Tommy opened his mouth to speak again, but before he could, a small figure darted out from behind him. They ran through the room, between us. 

“Karl!” “Charlie!” 

The cousins shouted at each other, both their voices holding such excitement. I thought they looked too cute together, even if I was confused by Charlie’s presence. 

“Charlie?” I asked, turning to look at Tommy. He shrugged his shoulders in response. 

“I’m just making use of the free babysitters.” 

I smiled at the glint in Tommy’s eyes. Ada slapped her brother on the arm for his comment, stretching my smile further, “nothing about this is free Thomas.” 

Tommy just rolled his eyes back, knowing Ada was also joking. None of us wanted comment on how out of the ordinary this was. Tommy usually got one of his many maids to mind Charlie if he ever went out. This was nicer though. Allowing Charlie to spend time with his family, and the cousin he seemed to be getting on the best with. That was the real reason why Tommy brought Charlie here. ‘Free babysitting’ meant nothing. 

We all continued watching the two boys begin to play, enjoying the innocence of the moment. However, before long, I noticed Tommy trying to catch my eye from across the room. When he succeeded, he nodded his head towards the door, silently asking me if I was ready to leave or not. When I nodded my head back, he cleared his throat. 

“Shall we get going?” Tommy asked out loud, reminding the others in the room of our plans. I nodded my head again, when Polly and Ada turned to look at me, blushing as I did so. I tried to contain the beaming smile I wanted to let loose, but when a smile of his own spread across Tommy’s face, I knew I had failed. 

When I reached Tommy, I quickly threaded my arms through his and tugged gently. I wanted to make our leave as quietly as possible, already tiring of the fuss being made. Tommy easily got the hint, and lead us from the room; not before shouting ‘goodbye’ into the room we were leaving behind. 

“Hope you kids have fun,” Ada called after us before we had made it too far out of the house. I could hear the cheeky smile in voice, knowing it would look much like the one her brother was currently sporting. I shook my head at the pair of them. They were too alike sometimes. 

“Come on,” Tommy said, pulling me to the left and out of the house. As his car came into view, I could feel a nervous buzz in my veins once again. I could not help but wonder what the evening would bring. 

\- 

I was pleasantly surprised by the restaurant Tommy pulled up to. It was quiet, and understated, and unlike anywhere I had known Tommy to take people before. It felt like we were in the middle of nowhere, with no other buildings immediately surrounding restaurant. I wondered how on earth Tommy had discovered this place. I did not question him though, not wanting to ruin the moment, and too in awe to do so anyway. The secluded nature made the evening feel more like a secret, more special. 

The journey to the restaurant had been quiet. Just the two of us sharing looks back and forth across the gear stick. Neither of us wanted to disrupt the peace, before we had to. It felt like we were having a conversation with eyes, saying and hearing all we needed to. Much like now, as a waiter led us through the restaurant to our table. We were both waiting to be comfortable, and alone, before we truly started talking. The looks we shared as we were seated made a fluttery feeling erupt in my stomach. I could still feel my hands shaking slightly in my lap, but at least my blushing had died down. 

Inside the restaurant felt just as secluded as the outside. It felt very intimate. It was dimly lit, with most of the light coming from the candles on the tables. Each table was enclosed in a booth, giving everyone seated their own space. It did not feel like we were intruding on people’s meals, as the chatter was so low we could barely hear it. The only noise I could really hear was my own breathing, accompanied by the clatter of knives and forks. 

I was feeling much less nervous now we were inside, sat down. This felt like the perfect place for Tommy and I to chat. I did not feel out of place at all, and looking around made me feel much more comfortable with my dress choice. The way Tommy had eyed it earlier made me sure it that decision, but now all lingering doubts were gone. It made me notice how every time Tommy looked at me, he struggled to pull his eyes away. That made my blush resurface with much more force than last time, it probably looked as though I as doing my best impression of a tomato. From the smirk balancing on the corner of his lips, I knew Tommy had noticed, I knew he felt very pleased with himself. 

The waiter who guided us inside soon returned to our, asking for our drink order. I let Tommy take over, trusting him to get me something light, and sweet. Our waiter quickly scuttled off, making me look around and notice Tommy and I were alone. Truly alone. I felt a breath I did not know I was holding escape, and finally felt some of nerves leave me. Not all of them however, I had a feeling I would always have some nerves being alone with Tommy. 

From the look in his eyes, I could tell Tommy had noticed our lack of company as well. For now, it was just us and the flickering candle between us. We still did not talk though, not until the waiter returned with our drinks, and left us again. Then we were alone. Now we could talk.


End file.
